The View From Here
We love our beach hikes! I've shared before Phil's avid harvesting of seaweeds as fertilizer for our garden beds -
- and today I picked up some dulse from the tideline, hoping to dry and eat it.
Something that makes us sad when we hike on the beach is seeing the stuff that gets dumped there. Anything that my Herculean husband can lift, we haul out…
… but this gutted-out ATM machine was just too darn heavy!
It's getting quite cold here now, and we have less than a week left before we go down to Oregon to stay on the family farm, visit Phil's mom and family, help out with harvest, firewood, etc.
I'm worried absolutely sick.
When I first went to the farm with Phil, I'd been living on communal farms in Hawaii for several years, where the ability to see what needed doing and get on and do it was prized, and where things were generally quite rough and ready. That was the preconception from which I came, and the way that I understood things. Unfortunately, that did not equip me to hear subtly phrased comments like 'that's not how we do this here.' In my Hawaii background, that would mean 'let's have a conversation, how do you do it?' But almost everywhere else, it means that you're not doing it the way it's supposed to be done in someone else's place. So, although I was trying to listen well, I wasn't able to hear what I needed to hear.
Have you ever been in a situation where you think you're understanding what someone says, but actually what they're implying is completely different? Or have you tried to tell someone something and been frustrated that they simply don't get it?
I've learned better over the last couple of years, but have still not gotten it right. I am periodically eaten up with remorse, guilt, shame, grief for the offense caused by my misunderstanding, and by fear that I'll somehow make too much mess or do something wrong this next time. I feel like I can't trust myself. I also feel anxiety over my very real need to control my own food in a place where I don't have kitchen access.
So, how does this fit in with today's reflection on self-love? Tina talks about how we have to seize the day - there's no point in wasting our life on the small things. In order to live life to the full, we have to love ourselves. She says, "if we want to live the most fulfilling and satisfied lives as possible we need to love ourselves. We can waste our lives away with worry, regret, doubt, and negativity. We can spend too much time concerned with trivial matters of what size pants we wear or what other people think of our hopes and dreams." Tina asks, "What can you focus on today so that you end your day knowing you cultivated your best life? What should you ignore that tries to rob you of joy?"
Well, wow. I think I have the answer to that question. I'm preventing myself from focusing on enjoying the gorgeous colors and objects around us, as well as the people around me, by worrying over something in the past, and something else in the future.
I worried myself crazy over my Fairbanks trip in July and had a wonderful time. Things are often not as bad as I think they will be. I used to work so hard at the farm that I didn't have the energy to pay extra attention to people's subtle communications or clean up fast enough. This time, I can resolve to treat myself with more respect so that I'm not running myself into the ground and unable to be attentive. I can resolve to keep smiling, keep listening, keep paying attention, and be constantly respectful and sensitive. I know that I know how to do that! I can prepare as much food for myself in advance of the trip, take my little hand-blender to make smoothies in our bedroom if need be, and just relax. I can put this whole pain of anxiety aside and go into the situation determined that things will go well.
Up For This Week
I'm going to continue to make kraut and pesto, and other things to use up the last of the garden goodness. It's supposed to get close to freezing here this week, and will be pretty thoroughly frozen by the time we get back in October!
I'm going to keep on sharing the message of self-love. Yes, I've been in a funk the last few days, but I think it's still lifted me above where I might have been with it.
I'll write whatever else I can make time for in here, about gardening, adventures, words, etc.
love to all.