But on this "anything goes" HAWMC day, I want to share some updates on how the prompts and my responses to them have helped me in my life.
First, though, can I get a "YAY"?! Last night, I sent in my eighth and final "packet" of my first year MFA to my mentor! This was an ambitious packet, including a Sonnet Crown and an intense 24-page personal essay (covering some of the health-related stuff we're talking about this month, amongst other things), and my critical papers each compassed not one but two collections by the authors in question. When I went to bed having sent it all off, my saying "I write with my ears" came back to me, as I lay awake listening to various phrases and stanzas from the essays and poems I'd just sent off playing back in my head. That's one big obligation accomplished--and I'm so looking forward to writing and reading more, addressing those piles of needy poem drafts.
At the beginning of last week, I was a mess. I was afraid to go to my writers groups on Monday and Tuesday--afraid that something ugly would spill out of me. Well, thanks to a couple of the prompts on here, I came home from the Monday night group feeling much better. On the thirty-minute walk to that meeting, I realized I was singing rembetika songs by Vasilis Tzitzannis. I love that music, but it has a strong association with a very dark time in my life. I changed channel--to my theme song! I was sorry not to have made up my own song, but love that I reconnected with this happy Hebrew children's song that could be construed as a metaphor for my own crazy whirlings. So yes, I walked on down to town singing "Uga uga uuga" to myself--lucky it's a small town and no one else was on the street! And I felt lighter-spirited when I arrived at the meeting than if I'd been singing "periplanomenos, distichismenos..." (wandering far from home, out of luck...) all the way there.
I also took my fluffy duster with me to the meeting and clutched it the whole time. That helped, too.
Cosying up to Fat
Although I'm sorry it worried a few people, my "crisis" post was an opportunity to be frank and open about a difficult subject that I've been very tempted to dodge and soft-pedal. It's harder to do that when people you care about are affected by concern--but I still seem capable of dodging! That said, let's be glad for small successes. I haven't doubled my food intake yet, but I am eating significantly more.
I've also chosen to think of this situation as an opportunity to figure out my ideal macronutrient ratios, since I'm working pretty much from the ground up. For whatever it's worth, whenever I do "body-typing" tests, whether they be ayurvedic, adrenal, slow/fast oxidizer, or whatever else, I always test out as someone who would do better with more fat in the diet, protein too. The first time my Naturopath laid eyes on me two years ago (when I'd lost too much weight, but in reference to my bloodwork rather than my appearance), he said "you need to eat more fat--protein too, but fat. Fat." I know from my brutal low-carb stint that this does not mean don't eat carbs at all... On the other hand, what do I always end up eating? CARBS--mostly non-starchy veggies, making up the difference with fruit and starchy veggies; dried fruit for a quick fix. What am I phobic of? FAT! And what do I have trouble digesting, except for spirulina/chlorella? Protein...
So, I've invited myself to cosy up to fat, bearing in mind its greater caloric density. As hard as I'm finding it to increase caloric intake, if I can add in some fat, thereby adding calories with little volume, that might work well. The trouble with this is that the only fats I'm comfortable eating are coconut and flax/chia/hemp. And last time around, when I first started with my Naturopath, I ate a lot of coconut oil, not as much as he wanted me to, but way lots for my body, mostly in recipes like this mint chocolate bark, which also included nuts and seeds. I wasn't eating a lot of calories overall, but eating these kinds of thing every day, I gained much more weight than was comfortable for me, which ultimately led me back to where I am now. Amber was talking about coconut on her blog recently, and I expressed my frustration at having gained so much weight eating it a couple years ago when everyone always says it's impossible to gain weight on. We agreed that it was possibly due to the lack of fiber in the straight oil (plus my serpentine metabolism). So this time around, I'm going for more fibrous versions of coconut!
Yesterday's breakfast was carrot 'slaw with the addition of a couple grams of shredded coconut--chewy, coconutty, add cardamom--yummy!Today's breakfast was shredded jicama with a little nut milk (1/4 cup unsweetened almond breeze, which really doesn't have many almonds in it!), with a couple grams shredded coconut, a teaspoon of maca, and a few cacao nibs. Since I think maca and coconut are such a delicious combination, I added a couple drops of medicine flower coconut flavor extract also. Also yummy!
Coconut butter, aka creamed coconut, aka coconut spread, also has all the fiber intact! I mentioned that this is one way you can get it...
You can also simply make it yourself in the food processor or vitamix from shredded coconut, just like making any other nut butter! But yesterday, I opened my jar of Wilderness Family's version, and measured out a careful teaspoonful to add to my spirulina smoothie!
Are YOU cosy with fat?