What Can Pass, and What Is Needful

It may not be surprising that over the past few weeks of semi-participation in regular life, I've been thinking a lot about what is essential in life and what can come to seem essential but may not be.

For two months I have NOT:

• Driven a car--or ridden a bike.
• Taken a photograph. True fact! The camera was in storage while I was inpatient, and its battery fared better than the computer battery, but now I have it with me, and have seen many beautiful plants and interesting buildings and scenes worth recording, but I simply haven't wanted to use it.
• Talked on the phone, except to Phil, my parents, or healthcare professionals. We had long-distance calling while inpatient, but very little time to do it, and I was happy to write letters.
• Paid a bill.
• Used my Vitamix, or made or drank a smoothie (some more thoughts on this in a post soon). Or my dehydrator.
• Fixed food for other people
• Watched TV--but then I never watch TV
• Eaten spirulina or other green powders--and I survived!
• Seen a movie, except one or two documentaries we were shown as part of treatment
• Been obsessive about what is/is not organic and whether it's in the "dirty dozen" or not
• Weighed myself--ooh, except for one whoopsie time early on in this phase of the adventure
• Taken a beach hike
• Stayed up all night working (although there were nights at foie gras farm that I didn't sleep hardly at all).
• Weighed my food
• Sat in our cabin and looked out at the ocean
• Slept in our bed with Phil
• Planted herbs or vegetables
• Been to one of my writing groups
• Participated actively and assiduously and daily in the blogging community
• Bounced on my beloved rebounder. They don't want us to think about exercising, or to exercise much at all, but I like to imagine they would make an exception for this wonderful, relaxing, fun form of exercise that I miss so much.

Some of these things seem pretty sad absences; some of them may be husks, discarded skins or exoskeletons, to be left aside and grown out of; some may be growth opportunities, offering the realization

that life can continue without certain rigidly held lifelines. I can go without spirulina and chlorella; I can even go without many vegetables or much fruit, and I'm still here! I managed without clinging desperately to the internet, one more page, one more page making time pass and keeping me here. I'm still here. I even survived having to drink the nasty Ensure Plus, which lacks lactose and whey, but does have some dairy-derived protein. I'm still hacking it out, still feeling its effects, but I'm still here. Thank goodness I'm having coconut cream rather than Ensure here--when I resent having to drink it, I just remind myself of Ensure. 

Another thread that comes across is the tendency to be busy busy busy. In this in-between life right now, I'm looking for ways to remind myself to pay attention, take a breath, slow down; to focus on what is really needful. "What is needful" is a phrase from the King James Bible version of the story of Mary and Martha, where Mary simply sits at Jesus' feet, while Martha fusses around getting everything ready. Jesus says Mary's choice is "what is needful." 

Religion, Christianity in particular, was a big thing at foie gras farm, whereas at this treatment center it's practically taboo because of its potential for division. But scripture, not religion itself, is periodically very useful to me as a word-based reminder of what's important. Anything can be a talisman to call us back to the moment--more thoughts on this soon also.

Staying in the moment, my body is asking for a shower and soon, sleep, as we prepare to greet Monday morning and a new week.

Coming out of Hibernation--A Few Facts

This little blog has been in hibernation. A curtain drawn over the chronicle of a time of confusion, frustration, attempts at remaking in a different image.

Now, in full-blown summer, with several eagerly anticipated events duly missed, and just two weeks until the MFA program residency: just two more weeks of foie gras farm, being stuffed and engorged, this blog is sniffing the air, peeking its head out of the burrow, pondering how to exist in the virtual world given all these changes.


After several weeks inpatient in Arizona, the Elamonster is now in a partial hospitalization program (PHP) in Bellevue, WA, perfectly poised for the much anticipated residency in Tacoma, just an hour or so away. After five weeks without any internet or computer whatsoever, finding the right balance and comfort level with computer time is a challenge, especially with all the internal changes being processed, and with the long, tiring days at the clinic.


So, let's keep this first post out of hibernation short. Here are a few points of information:

• If your laptop is going to be put away for five or six weeks, disconnect the battery! This netbook's battery was completely dead when it came back from lockdown
• Whole Foods is nicknamed "Whole Paycheck" for good reasons. But if you come from Alaska, you get sticker shock from Whole Foods in the other direction--"Wow! Everything's so much cheaper here!"
• Hospitals and clinics dealing with these kinds of disorders have many rules, for good reasons, that can seem ridiculous at times; the enforcers of these rules can appear to treat patients as if they are elementary school children
• The Elamonster doesn't stand for this very well, and is often to be found in the role of McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
• If the Elamonster is McMurphy, then McMurphy was pretty genuinely crazy and generally disruptive quite often also
• Attempts to remake the Elamonster in a different image lead resistance
• Items considered contraband when inpatient: dental floss, Q-tips, pantyliners, make-up, curling and straightening hair stuff, other cosmetic stuff, anything in a glass container, plastic knives; many more
• Anti-anxiety medications: the minimum dose of the 'mildest' one sent Ela to sleep and then gave her hallucinations. The minimum dose of a relatively mild benzo made her pass out. The minimum dose of xanax, which is supposed to stay in the system the least amount of time, knocked her out and then left her drunk and seeing double for the best part of two days. Half of that minimum dose just sent her to sleep for two hours. What a productive week of groups and therapy with all that passing out!
• Biting the bullet and going on Lithium does not seem to have had terribly destructive effects on creativity. Its effects overall are still to be figured out
• Typing is somewhat like riding a bicycle: a five-plus week enforced break from typing has not caused fingers to forget how

The Elamonster? A snake that has grown legs, remembrance of the oceanic origin, looking forward to the terran convenience of legs.
To be continued soon.