Food As Crime and Punishment

Just a quick thought for today, as, like everyone else, I continue to strive toward balance, like the ball circling the hole or the moth around the flame. And although I have no energy today, how lucky that I can post a blog sitting on the futon at home as opposed to having to go on a mission!

Being back home invokes a whole backlog of paperwork, gardening and general rearranging that needs to be done - and the beat goes on for everything else too. I'm now recognizing that even though it's 'home,' this engenders a stress all of its own that probably requires special self-care.

We have guests at the moment, as I've mentioned, which means communal dinners, sometimes at odd times, depending on how late they get back from whatever adventure they're on. Aside from the obligatory meat and carbs, I'm always making a big salad from our garden and also some veggies. Last night I roasted those beautiful beets from our garden, with sprinkles of salt and pepper and a little coconut oil. About 20 minutes before they were done (I roasted them for about an hour and 15 minutes at 400), I added some fresh dill and mint from the garden. 

I mentioned when I was up in Fairbanks that one of the ways I made sure to stay functional was to eat very conservatively - not to try anything unusual or different from what I normally eat. Well, now I was home and these were beets Phil and I planted, harvested that very day - what could go wrong? They're also supposed to be one of the most nutritious and protective foods.

Well, I ate four or five little slices (maybe half a small beet total) and a whole day later I'm still feeling sick to my stomach. I would never have guessed that they'd make me react like that! No one else had a problem and everyone loved them. So perhaps the message for me is that this is still a 'stressful' time and that I should still be 'conservative' about what I choose to eat. Raw beets hurt my throat, so if I decide I want to eat any more, I'll have to pickle them or maybe I can get away with light steaming.

But here's a perverse thing I did in response (confession time)! Since my stomach was already hurting and I already felt sick, I had a few bites of 'nuttella' I'd made from filbert butter (that I'd made from nuts we'd harvested at Phil's parents'), cocoa powder, xylitol, a little sea salt. Sugar free, quality ingredients, it sounds pretty harmless, right - just like the beets. But it was definitely something I'm 'not allowed.' I'm not supposed to have cocoa because of adrenal problems, and my inner dictator fears that something like that will make me fat. And for some reason, that nuttella also makes me feel sick (maybe because of guilt?) But the chocolate aspect of it is definitely addictive to me, so then I had a couple more bites of it this morning!

Crime and punishment? That's often how I feel around food. Not very uplifting - perhaps having brought consciousness to it, it's now time to work on transforming it. And of course, it's an example of how different we all are. 

I want to remember that food is a gift, and a means for sharing joy, and to invite my body to participate in that.