Paradoxical Preparations for My Absence

Paradox rocks, also known as yin-yang rocks. In fellowship with my friend Terry, who also collects them.

My final attempt to persuade my treatment team not to force me inpatient went like this: I'm doing worse, because of all the stress of talking to this, that and the other place. Can't we just accept that nowhere's going to work, and I'll be much better off working with you guys in my own home? It didn't help my argument that by this point, a center had come through. And yes, both doctors and my therapist all said "a resounding no."


One pointed out that "doing worse" when the going's tough and I'm under stress is actually an argument in favor of going away, as it presages that every time something stressful comes up, I'll "do worse" again. Another pointed out that that was actually what had happened for the past six weeks: every week I'd do a bit better, then something stressful would come up and I'd slip back. Another averred that it's too late for that anyway, physiologically speaking. I have my ticket, I'm going, so this is moot.


But now that I have my ticket and I'm going, it's much harder to work on the caloric issue! I have no contracted goal amount with my naturopath. I'm neither here nor there. I'm running rings trying to get "everything" done before I leave. I've had 'the runs' since Tuesday, likely due to anxiety, so of course I'm eating less; I'm hardly sleeping.


At this point, getting on the scale is like watching a trainwreck in freeze frames--with a hint of the child's gleeful "all fall down" delight at the demolition.


So, it's moot because I'm leaving very soon indeed, but doesn't it look like I would surely be doing better if I were staying here, working on better ways to handle stress, actually working with the situation?


I'm neither here nor there, but at least I got our taxes done! And having some sweet valedictory times with Phil, which feels very good. It occurs to me that rather than thinking in terms of being absent from here, I need to start thinking about being present, there.


I'll try to get one more post up before I head for hiatus.