A Bottom--Where From Here?

There have been many beautiful and challenging and post-worthy things since I last wrote, but I haven't been present to write them down.
People talk about hitting bottom; I always say, based on my experience, there is no bottom, only bottoms, one and then another, at different times.
Right now, I'm in/on/surrounded by a bottom. And sharing what I'm sharing here may shove me down even deeper.

I'm in the hospital with acute kidney failure.

I crashed my friend's truck, who had given me so much wonderful hospitality and such shared time and visiting and general loveliness and friendship that I wished to cherish and continue--and this is my reciprocal. And I want so badly to make it right...

but I'm in the hospital with kidney failure.

and here comes of course it affects my car insurance which is still joint with Phil's, and my far-from-flawless record is impacting Phil's flawless record--
poor Phil buried in letters from the health insurance from my various hospital stays because I'm still on his health insurance too, that I haven't been able to take care of because

I'm in the hospital with kidney failure.
This is what I give to those around me. I am frightful to be around--a bad-luck curse, an evil eye.
It's like I've made a huge mess using other people's resources and equipment, and have no idea how to clean it up all on my own taking finally some responsibility.
No pity party here--I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me. This is what I see when I face myself.
This is what I came to right off the plane from my bright-hued residency trip literally near-comatose; this is what I see more clearly today when my brain is beginning to function more normally.

So, what does a writer girl do at such a soul-achingly deep bottom? Surely she writes, right? No, at first, she doesn't--brain still hurts too much, but more she's afraid of writing again, anything at all. I tell her, write. It's all hopelessly messed up, and I have no idea how to make it okay. But please, write. And that is what I must do.