Rock Jockey Gets to Keep Riding--Toward Where?

Yesterday was the other end of the ultimatum that's been causing me so much anxiety for the past month or so. I know I have the potential for leaving things to the last minute, but the combination of last minute-ness, physical and physiological effects of full-on masochistic foie gras action, and anxiety, was indescribable. 
Yesterday's drive to Anchorage was cold, but not freezingfreezing; the radiator was managing to put out at least a modicum of heat.
In my pocket, my most special of special rocks...

...in my cooler, wrapped in down pants, my scale: I couldn't bear the idea of losing this bid because of some
"nearly but not quite" owing to dehydration from a long, cold drive. As stupid and arbitrary and imprecise as I know scale numbers to be (especially in the afternoon with clothes on), I had to respect the "minimum" with the inflexibility of a Lubavitch rabbi or a Roman flamen (no disrespect to them).

I'm so glad I brought the scale. I was right about the dehydration: who knew you could lose three pounds driving less than three hundred miles? So, a big, hurried lunch. Anyone who knows me at all knows that "hurried" and "eating" cannot co-occur. I showed up to my appointment, head spinning; had my vitals taken...all very good. But then, let's say, my rabbit almost came out of the hat! I had to excuse myself from my appointment before it had even started. Not the start I would have hoped for. 

I was much better after that, and was able to offer my psychiatrist enough confidence that I had seen a full spectrum of reasons why it's worth it to me, even lithium aside, to stay physiologically stable, so she's willing to let me continue--but still under the same rabbinically strict stipulation.
Relief...

Rock Jockey keeps on riding!
Why "rock jockey?" -- Lithium means "made of rock." 
-- For as long as I've been taking medications to help stabilize my moods, whether naturopathic, homeopathic, or conventional, I've had a visceral perception of myself as riding the medication. Sometimes it's a better ride than others. Sometimes I'm just running alongside; sometimes the mount is bogged down and I'm running ahead. Sometimes I'm bogged down and the mount is out of sight.

This picture is as much about the rocks as it is about the persimmons.

Obviously, it would be ridiculous for me to imply that everyone who loves rocks has bipolar disorder or schizophrenia!

However, I'm working on an essay about water as an element. I'm writing a section on elements (earth, water, fire, air) as used to categorize people's natures and characters, including my own. Where I'm getting to (although I didn't know it when I started) is that I'm predominantly an "air" person, and greatly lacking in "earth." So I'm floating away on my helium (= of the sun, element #2) balloon, and am grounded by being tied to my lithium (made of rock, element #3).

Oh, and the "jockey" part reminds me not to put myself on a guilt trip for imagining anyone who doesn't have to live with me would be interested in my cliffhanger over enforced and significant weight gain, or in whether I got to stay on my meds. Jockeys have to put on or off weight all the time.

I have to go finish that essay. On Monday, I'll have written a post both about the "masochistic gratification" I keep going on about, and about what it means to have met the ultimatum--what scary places of growth it's hurled me into, what I was hiding from, how I hope to utilize and share the renewed positivity and energy. What am I riding for now?
A beautiful weekend to you!

Fall Coming! Reflections on Self-Love - Rest; and Old Blogging Locations

I'm in town - the Big Town, Anchorage - got rides to and from my appointment thanks to Craigslist.

I'm at the Anchorage Barnes and Noble - which is, incidentally, a member of the list of places at which I'd blogged before getting internet at home. The connection is slow and I'm not sure when my ride is coming, so I'm going to just write now and add pix later so I'm not caught waiting.

First - I mentioned the herbs I was drying and apologized for no photo - silly me, I had taken photos! Here they are!

Clockwise from top left - raspberry leaves, jalapenos (bargain produce, not from garden!) yarrow flowers, and lovage leaves and seeds. Lovage is a kind of wild celery that grows on the beach - herbal, intense and aromatic.

And here are arugula seed-pods

We have been so lucky so far this fall here in AK: thus far, we've had beautiful fall colors and no windstorms. Here's the hillside of Homer with some fall colors maybe discernible :)

And you can see golden birch leaves behind Phil here:

 Last year, just about the very day the colors turned, a couple huge windstorms blew all the leaves down in a day or two!

But after a glassy-calm day yesterday, last night the wind came in. Phil and I got up at 5am - way earlier than even my early start on the road required - because the wind was howling and wuthering and thumping. It's not just blowing down leaves - whole branches too! Walking around in Anchorage after my appointment, I was literally almost blown over several times! Must have looked like a comedy act, trying to walk along...

I was trying to get a picture of all the leaves and berries being blown down...

Reflections on Self-Love - ah, rest - so important! Tina reminds us that both our minds and bodies need rest - that in order to have the well full, we need to have empty time too. She asks, "How will you rest today?" I love this invitation to commit to that. It's so easy to think that any second that's not accounted for can be filled with more activity. Only recently and slowly have I begun to learn that I need slots of time every day with nothing in them. Especially with my recent body image worries, I've been pushing myself to exercise more, and didn't sleep well last night due to muscle soreness. It's also getting cold here - didn't reach 40 degrees F until well after 9am, and I think I'm more tense when I'm cold.

So, I'm not putting the photos up here yet, and might not even manage to do so until tomorrow. And when I've written this, soon after, I'll go get myself a hot herbal tea and warm myself from inside. And if I can snag one of the comfy armchairs here, I'll lay back in one for a while. Even if I can't, I will sit back and 'rest my eyes' some.

Hope you are having a restful Friday!