On Integrity (Part 1) I Know I Will Fall

My thanks to a very wise friend for our conversation around today's post topic. 
Before I get to it, today's funny thought:

All year, I've been habituating myself to the 'cold rinse'--cold water for the last seconds of my shower, as long as I can stand it up to 30 seconds or so. This practice is supposed to be so good for you, it can help you lose weight, lol, by stimulating 'brown fat.'  (I'm not going to risk giving a mangled explanation, so there's a link if you like.)

As most of you know, we don't even have a shower, so our washing is inevitably a chilly process when not skipped altogether. Showers are another luxury of house-sitting, or being in treatment ;) . Well, after all that habituation, with outside temperatures down in the teens and twenties now, let me tell you my enthusiasm for the slap-in-the-face-tingle stimulation has plummeted. Wimp that I am! Or not... See next topic.

On Integrity
As I've been settling back into working and, hallelujah, writing, I've been trying to learn co-ordinates. What the co-ordinates of my own life are now, with all the different parameters like medications, ultimatums, needing to be accountable to others over basic things like nutrition. My co-ordinates given the apparently endless upheaval of moving, traveling, shifting in our life. Basic things that become oh so complicated. What the co-ordinates of this blog. What the co-ordinates of my creative writing, with the specific issues and topics I'm working on this  year.

The concept I keep being sent to, over and over, on the Internet, in books, in conversations; as if it's pinned on the teleprompter or supertitle or in the sky everywhichway I turn; on the insides of my eyelids as I sleep, is:

Have Integrity of Speech

Speak in Congruence with Reality 

Be Impeccable with Your Word

I started getting this message soon after beginning to realize how awful my self-talk is (has been). So, above, I confess to being deterred from cold showers by its being very cold outside, and immediately call myself a wimp! Is this being congruent with reality? What kind of reality am I trying to co-create?

A lot is at stake here, as I have been tapping on the communication 'nut' for several months now--I've mentioned it before here several times. Initially, it was just a matter of developing greater sensitivity to the 'between the lines' portion of what people say, that I never used to understand (and that isn't really speaking in full integrity anyway). Then, it was intense vigilance of myself, mostly choosing not to say things that I knew would not be productive of anything except a same-old same-old fight. Vigilance including not beating up on myself when I messed up. (That might have been the hardest part.)

So, up to this point, my efforts have touched on exterior areas, ensuring that communication is a functional bridge between people.

Now, though--truth, impeccability, congruence? In my speech, in my writing, in my actions?

This is exciting. Also scary, as I know I will fail over and over as I learn how to do this. I have the feet to walk this path, but they've been tucked away for centuries as I slide around on my butt, so they are fast asleep and will have to go through painful pins and needles to awaken. I will do my best as I find my feet and my feet find the path.

I've messed up at least once today already. But when I'm sitting quiet, not really thinking about anything, the idea "I'm having integrity in my words now" often enters my head, with excitement and a smile.

The most recent poem I worked on also made efforts in this direction, with the intent to include both heart and rational impulses as its wings. I feel like I'm making the same efforts with my blog writing too, including expression of my honest uncertainty where to 'position' the blog and how/when to add food/recipes back into the mix.

Speaking of food, the 'food' area may be the last unconquered territory. The ultimatum issue is very scary for me. Perhaps the scariest part of it at this point is the prospect of having to eat a caloric surplus at all, let alone consistently enough to add a lot of pounds. (See, I can't be complete even there!) I've had two weeks, I have two more weeks. I can do superficial things with water and clothes, but my cosmic message is to move away from the exterior and into core truth. Can I be impeccable here? Can I be impeccable without manipulating the nature of intentions around this? Impeccable in my actions and in what I say about them?

Maybe not yet.

If you can bear it, in my next post I'll give a short explanation of why there's a circle graphic around 'integrity.'

Much love.

Finding a Rhythm at the Wobbly Point, Comfort Zone Communication

As the week gallops by, the days are lengthening, and we have a big full moon hanging up there, casting shadows even at night.

I'm already harkening ahead to the dizzy solstice days when there's almost never any darkness to hide behind, no excuse of darkness not to be busy and out there--and it's not even the equinox yet, although the clocks going forward so soon brings it closer (grumble). (On the other hand, Phil also points out that during those summer days, light riots in such luxurious abundance that it's easy to postpone projects because it'll still be light all the way to midnight.)

On a happier note, I've spent significant time the past two days writing poetry, reading poetry, and writing a critical essay. In this awkward, cuspy time of year, as snow lingers and light lengthens and shadows shift and everything feels a bit off, I cannot quantify how much better I'm feeling in myself as a result of this. The cow's being milked and oh, it feels good.

I'm going to keep this brief tonight, as there's still some work to do, but speaking of work, I wanted to share some thoughts about an odd kind of "comfort zone communication" I've been experiencing recently. I don't know whether to call this a "problem" or just a "phenomenon." What I'm noticing is that for many people, myself included, it's more comfortable to open up, be chatty and conversational, remotely, than it is to interact face to face with actual people, body language, and all the rest of it.

Last week, with all the haywire technology around my course's midterm, I spent an inordinate amount of time on the phone with the technological folks and with the distance education services co-ordinators. And some of the tech guys in particular, not otherwise noted for being socially outgoing, were positively chatty! While we tried to chase down the bugs in my course shell, their conversations ranged over a variety of topics, they were inquisitive about my course and the languages referred to therein, etc, etc. I'm grateful for this in a way, as it's the closest thing I get to collegiality much of the time, as a distance-education faculty. On the other hand, with my writing time so precious and so threatened, I worry about the ease with which I can end up, essentially, chit-chatting while we try to fix broken software. Then, I see myself chatting on facebook, or writing lengthy and socially appropriate emails, at times when I'm not together enough to talk "in real life" to anybody in a remotely civil or socially appropriate way.

How is it that we can adapt to conversation without any of the cues and immediacy that make it meaningful and relevant? Isn't it backwards that I find interacting with someone I can't see less stressful than I find interacting with someone naturally, with their sight, smell, sound, affect and their presence right there with me?

Interesting that I'm posing the question on my blog, another asynchronous and not-in-person communication medium. I just hope that hiding behind a screen isn't eroding my ability to communicate in person.

Any thoughts?