Wisdom versus Adventure: How I Decided Not to go to AWP

Finally I get to write this blog post! Last Friday, both my computers developed problems. Yes, on the same day. You'd think having two computers would mean a backup plan. I spent hours trying to fix things myself and hours on the phone with Microsoft, and hours stuck with configuration failure reboots. Given the almost unique ability of computers to get the calmest person banging his/her head on the wall, I am so grateful for all this attention on wisdom and personal development audios of late. Some deep breathing and mindfulness practice helped get me through yet another configuration failure (and hence hours of lost work time) this evening.

Yes, returning to the breath, focusing on the breath, as a perpetually available meditation, is one commonality among all the different sources of advice.

It helped me more too, eventually. I mentioned agonizing over a decision and finding it extremely hard to settle one way or the other. I was hoping to go to the enormous AWP Writers' Convention in Seattle at the end of February. So enticing! Especially being enrolled in a low-residency MFA, with all my cohorts scattered all over the country, I have many beloved fellow travelers and mentors whom I only see once a year. Add to that the opportunity to meet many of my "writer crushes" and inspirations. Add to that a mind-bogglingly rich array of panels, talks, readings, for over twelve hours of each of the three days, so that at every session there are probably at least four you don't want to miss. An opportunity to learn so much, be so stimulated, in such a short space of time. Even the possibility of catching up with friends in the Seattle area who are not at the conference. I had free admission as a student in my program (although of course the flight down and hotel are far from free). How could I not go?

Well, on the other hand. Stability. My eternal frontier. Still settling after a two-month trip last fall. I've submitted my Critical Paper (yay! Early!) but still have a Creative Thesis to finish revising and make as good as possible for an MFA! Two new job projects both of which require an initial learning curve. Good habits under installation (instillation?)
And, as I confessed, I'm the smallest I've been in a very long time. I really think I'm doing okay, but I must admit I'm not brimming over with excess energy. If I have a 9-5 day in town I generally have to spend most of the next day on the couch. And that's a 9-5 day of mostly one-on-one interactions in a small town. AWP would be three consecutive twelve-plus-hour days around 11,000 writers!
My healthcare providers voted "don't go." As did friends.
I asked for a dream, and got a clear "don't go."
I asked explicitly in my soulful journaling practice, wherein I connect with my spirit guide /subconscious/angel/what you will. She said "don't go."

And yet, there I was searching for a flight, all ready to go!

And I agonized. Why did I ask for guidance if I wasn't willing to heed it? Was I asking for guidance in order to do the opposite? This went on for almost two weeks, hanging in the balance. I didn't want to abuse the guidance I'd been given. I didn't want to abuse the hospitality of my program by turning down the conference ticket. I didn't want to admit to being physically weak.

I think many of us are rebels, or are inexorably drawn to risk as opposed to wisdom. There must be an evolutionary balance there. It wouldn't be called "wisdom" if it weren't advantageous. On the other hand, if no one pushed out of their comfort zone, how would we ever evolve? On the other other hand, since my tendency is always to push beyond my comfort zone, my eventual decision not to go was actually an evolution beyond my status quo. 

With all my recent talk of paradox, this is the sublimest paradox of all, that taking a risk/pushing beyond the comfort zone would have been staying in my comfort zone, doing what I'd always done (Einstein's definition of insanity).

So, if I wish to, I can feel a sense of adventure as a result of having chosen not to go. Staying where I can continue to nurture these good new habits and practices, and not putting myself in an environment and schedule that would surely bury me, is adventure of a new kind; is evolution. 

This decision is also recognition of the magic that is receipt of guiding dreams and channeling of guidance from beyond in my journaling practice.

That sounds new and adventurous to me!

I'd love to hear others' learning stories like this. Thank you for letting me share. 

Edited to add: here's another really cool connection that came in the decision process; I can't believe I forgot to mention it. Someone made the point that to 90% of people, if you serve them a meal and tell them it's "healthy," they will immediately have an expectation of "yuck/joyless/unsatisfying." The point, in that context, was obviously that it's important to describe food in aesthetic terms that engage the senses alluringly--beautiful, vibrant, delicious, succulent. But the parallel with my difficulty in making what I knew was the right decision was striking. "This would be the wise thing to do." "Yuck boiled kale." Yes, I was being a brat.  But no more so than anyone who thinks healthy and delicious don't go together. There's more to be said on this; in fact, it's one of my biggest life lessons. We shall return to this.

Five Stumbling Blocks, Five Saving Graces; Writing Event In Town

Before I start with today's prompt, a heads-up about another writerly event here in Homer. The inimitable Andromeda Romano-Lax, one of the founding inspirations for the literary blog 49 Writers who used to work for the Homer News years ago, is back in Homer to give two free classes and a lecture and reading from her newly published novel, all tomorrow, Saturday! Here's the full scoop, in the Homer News itself. On a personal note, I was honored to be invited to join a small group of local writers for a dinner to welcome Andromeda, at Two Sisters down by Bishops Beach. I snagged a photo for the 49 Writers weekly round-up which I had to scurry home to do. I was sorry to break off from the conversation. We talked about MFA programs--low-residency, full-time, different emphases. We talked about fiction versus nonfiction. We gossiped about mutual writer friends. We talked about how to teach the novel. We heard about Andromeda's research for her next novel, which was fascinating and shocking at the same time. What an honor to be part of such a group!

Andromeda is on the left, and then we have Nancy Lord, Teresa Sundmark, Eva Saulitis, yours truly, and Miranda Weiss. Look at that sunlight--this was about 9pm. 


I think I got all the cranky out of my system yesterday! Today's prompt is examining the Top Fives--the five major challenges of my health focus and the five small victories that keep me going. Ironically enough, after how irritated I got about the gagline post, I'd say the five main difficulties all boil down to those two symmetrical sentences--"What goes up must come down," and "What goes down must come up." Let me try to unpack it a little more. Surprisingly, "five" sounds like quite a lot of detail!

Five Difficulties

1. Control--Gotta have it, gotta know when to let go. At this moment, if I don't show myself capable of turning the tide around and increasing my intake more than I've been able to thus far, my control of my own environment will be taken away from me. I can't imagine how that could possibly be a good thing long-term, except for difficulty number two...

2. Body--I need one! This is something I don't always even believe, as I know that many dead people still have much influence and power. However, it's difficult to share poetry, or hugs, or sunsets, if you don't have a body, and there are a lot of poems I still need to write. 

3. Counter-intuitions--You have to listen to your body. But what if eating actually feels bad, causes your stomach to tie in a knot? What if a soupcon of hunger shyly poking out feels good, feels life-affirming, feels far better than the chest-tightening that immediately follows ingestion of food? What if the crazed expansiveness of mania feels really good, and it's much more attractive to take a caffeine pill and float higher rather than take mood stabilizers and come back to the middle?

4. Other People--If there was no one else in my life, I could just let it all go. Wouldn't that be easy? But what would be left of my life with no other people? What would be the point of anything I wrote, created, gave, grew, if not to share with others? Where would the love be?

5. Short-term thinking--For a supposedly smart person, I'm pretty retarded when it comes to long term thinking or making projections of the consequences of my actions. Perhaps it's a perennial naive optimism that things will be different this time--I won't get depressed after a while in the maniasphere, I won't go too far if I decide I need to drop half a clothing size; if I start "that" conversation again, it won't end up in a fight...

Meanwhile, daffodils are blooming by the south-facing wall of Save-U-More, the wonderful warehouse-come-supermarket in town. Something even more marvelous was there too--I'll share the picture in a moment, but let me first balance the negatives with some positives.

Five Small Victories

"Small" is ok, right? Baby steps...

1. Showing up. I keep showing up for my appointments. Even if I show up unslept, unfed, unwashed, and psychotic, and having not kept my self-care agreements, I surrender that much control; I place that much trust in my care providers, I allow them to talk sense back into me. I recognize that even for an individual, control is something collaborative, give-and-take.

2. Nutrition geek! If I'm not going to eat much, at least I know how to get massive bang for my caloric buck. I choose foods and herbs so nutritious, they keep me somewhat level and fueled. I do recognize that at this point I should be looking at more caloric density, getting away from my prejudicial equation of caloric density with empty calories that isn't really true, even looking at herbs that stimulate rather than suppress appetite... And I have the knowledge.

3. Intuitions. As well as knowledge, I'm also blessed with a high degree of intuition and insight. When that gets clouded by all the counter-intuitions mentioned above, I can just think back a few years to when I was actively practicing bodywork, and how I was able to help people through problems they hadn't even told me about.

4. Other people. I have so many wonderful people in my life! Some, I have never met in person. Some live thousands of miles away. Some are in my MFA program and I only get to see them once a year. But they're all in my life and are part of what make it beautiful.

5. Living in the moment. Although learning to think long term is a basic piece of maturity, the present moment is all we have, and is the only moment in which we can effect any change. I can allow my lack of linear thinking or forward planning to lead me back to the NOW.

I was led back to the now outside Save-U-More by this beautiful butterfly, who preferred the blooming dandelions growing from a crack in the ground to the blooming daffodils pampered in the raised bed.

In Alaska! In April!


Another ultimatum at the doctor's today. I went to Save-U-More on the way home and let myself wander around, looking for something, anything I might want to eat. Even packaged gf snacks (they all had rice flour in them, which has been upsetting my stomach lately too). Even stuff not on the bargain shelf. Even coconut ice cream (has agave in it, makes me itch). I ended up with some odd energy powders in the cart, and zevia soda, and gluten free flours to bake things for other people...but I also ended up with some beautiful apples. And I did get a large tub of almond milk yogurt--not something I'll ever ordinarily buy unless it's marked down--recognizing that the texture has been soothing and appealing to me of late. This post has actually been helpful--I'll focus on the victories as I work up.

I'd love to hear your five challenges and victories too! I'd better go write this final exam--perhaps even better go eat some lunch first. Much love to all.

Getting Ready to Leave 2 (Challenges)--Driving Away From the Storm

Leslie and I left for Anchorage at 5 this morning. We got her to Anchorage in good time for her flight, despite driving slowly in the blizzard conditions. Actually, we drove right out of the blizzard: we emerged from the snow right around when it started to get light. Things got easier. But I called Phil back at home, and he said there were 70mph winds there and more trees down, including the tree with the eagle nest in it downtown.

For the past two years, eagles have nested in a spruce snag just 100 yards off of the main highway, right by the only traffic light in town, attracting all kinds of fancy camera equipment and gawkers. This year, they raised two young ones. I've always had mixed feelings about the scenario: on the one hand, it's awesome to get to see so much of their private life. On the other hand, it always felt intrusive to me, just a little too close. The avid photographers were a traffic hazard also. I confess I might be just a tiny bit glad that tree blew down.

Metaphorically, I feel I drove away from a storm of a different kind, too. I-in-my-home-environment have been so 'stormy' lately. This couple days of limbo in Anchorage will be an opportunity for quiet and reflection, I hope.

Getting myself packed entailed some extra challenges. Since we're house-sitting for our neighbors (their house is just beyond the trees out of sight in the photo below), my stuff was scattered between two homes. Additionally, Phil put up a rather experimental fence made from discarded seine net, to keep the snowshoe hares out of our raspberry canes. Getting my wheeled carry-on over that was fun.

Oh yes, and the snow also...

I had a challenging moment getting all my pills together. This isn't even all of them.

And by the time I get home, these will be all gone! It's kind of shocking to see such a stack, especially given that I make efforts to avoid 'artificial' things and 'drugs.' And yes, part of the reason why the quantity is so vast is because I don't take pharmaceutical drugs, but it's still a heck of a lot of pills. Some of these are nutritional supplements--enzymes and probiotics, minerals (magnesium) and vitamins (D, B12) that I don't absorb well. Many of them are hormonal replacements and supplements. Many of them are aimed at keeping my self equilibrated, away from one pole or the other.

It's easy to recoil in horror, especially remembering the years that I refused to take any kind of pill, reflecting that in my typical 'one extreme to the other' style, I brought this on myself. But rather than beat up on myself or feel despondent about the pile of pills, I choose to acknowledge that I'm taking them because I am working toward being my best, even when I can't tell that's what I'm doing.

My bag is full of goodies, including three writer magazines (some serious catching up for the plane ride), Vega protein powder packs, various home-made energy bars and kale chips, dried fruit.

I choose to allow this paraphernalia to remind me that I am doing my best.
How do you do your best when traveling? What are your essential travel take-alongs?