The Gifts, you say? What gifts?
Well, let's see.
- Sandblasting of the cocoon keeping me safe from my fears of myself and other people
- Energy and Optimism, both of which push against fear
- Spatial awareness
- Lithium, two ways.--(1) continuation of the prescription, and (2) it had quit working below a certain weight (I could feel it stop) -- not enough myelin sheath to transport in the brain -- it's working again, which is awesome for the whole world of nuances it allows me to perceive (as mentioned before)
- Generally, feeling less "frail," less likely to break if I ran into something (which I'm doing less now anyway)
- Yet more experience going through this 'plunge,' coupled with strong motivations not to let things get out of hand again, aided by my careful and consistent journaling of the process. Somehow, this time, I'm seeing my way toward using those journals to recognize danger signs, guard against them...and write about it!
So many gifts--but in order to receive them,
Masochistic Gratification was necessary
(How's that for a Purgatorio-Paradiso model? I'm not sure I care for it, but that's how events occurred)
I regard every act of eating as damage limitation--the less I can get away with, the better.
And yet--I've worked as a chef and a farmer; I have a fantastic palate and enough food allergies to encourage my native flair for recipe development. I know how to taste good tastes!
Inevitably, then, there are hankerings I don't gratify. Desserts I make and feed to everyone else but barely nibble myself. Things made to my own peculiar specifications, that I love, that sit in the freezer forever. Fruit sniffed and inhaled and not eaten. Recipes or preparation techniques pored over but not made; prepared 'store-bought' items scorned.
Then suddenly these past couple weeks, all those hankerings, gratified en masse, ad nauseam (literally, to the point that I almost lost it all at my appointment!)
Not only that, I had to make recipes with the full complement of fat and sugar, whereas the first thing I usually do is sub out all or most (of the sugar in particular).
My green powder and marine phytoplankton in juice, not water.
Two persimmons at breakfast, not one, and something else like oatmeal, besides my coconut oil.
The gratifying brownie had to be eaten after a big lunch including a cup of coconut cream in a smoothie and some sweet potato fried (!!!) in coconut oil (never had them fried, always wondered). Then another brownie mid-afternoon. As well as fixing, I had to eat some of the raw cheesecake (with persimmons) I'd made for dinner with friends, even though once again, I almost lost the whole thing. Then, when we got home lateish, another brownie.
Another evening, having bought some Daiya nondairy cheese (!!! I had this in treatment and, to my surprise, liked it quite a lot. But 'prepared from scratch snob that I am, I couldn't have imagined buying it)... I wanted it with cauliflower, but had to have it with cauliflower and gluten-free pasta. And some sort of dessert afterward.
The aim wasn't only volume, although that was essential with the amount to do in such a short time. Perhaps even more important was density. Every bite or sip I took had to have as many calories per bite as possible. So, gluten free bread with almond butter; not apples or carrots as I would ordinarily prefer. Pasta and cauliflower; not instead of. Basically, I was reversing many of the most obvious weight loss tips you'll see everywhere, all the way down to eating some packaged foods. This reversal felt very very weird for my identity.
Yes, the food tasted good, but since I was eating until it hurt too much to eat more, then eating more as soon as it would stay down, the "tasted good" part was pretty much eclipsed. A few nights, I couldn't lie flat. Of course this was better than refeeding in treatment centers, being unable to lie down but in my own bed at home at least, and being able to choose foods for which I'd hankered or had curiosity, rather than bland treatment center pabulum.
Still, after all the virtual gratification of recipe gawking, food fixing for others, making things for myself and eating them by the crumb, making myself ersatz versions minus the density, it felt absolutely masochistic to be having tasty, aesthetically satisfying foods in such an aesthetically repulsive food situation. I actually wonder whether "the tube" would have been better, to remove the association between food and discomfort. Right now, I just want to eat carrots and lettuce again: I know with vivid visceral gut knowledge how awful "those" "naughty" foods can make me feel.
But, see above, slamming them down for a short period has also enabled me to feel so much better.
Now I need to learn to maintain. Now, 'polar girl, time to find some balance!
