Well, This is Embarrassing...How did we get here? (Fifty First Weeks)

Fifty First Weeks: this week my "fresh start" will be a move toward more transparency. Since I seem to be crashing and burning for all to see, I might as well own it and quit soft-pedaling, in hopes that my sharing from within the situation might be of help to others. This is uncharted ground, so I'm learning every step. Perhaps I'll still manage to pull a phoenix out of the ashes.

Blossoming currants. The birds always get any fruit.

I'm as thirsty as ashes

I hadn't thought anything of it until a conversation on Friday brought home to me how narrow my food choices have become in contrast (see below), but I'm drinking enough to float the Ark!

I waken parched.
First thing every morning, I drink a pint of warm lemon water with some powdered supplements in it (MSM, lysine, magnesium). Then, after working out, I make Phil's coffee, and I make myself a quart of one kind of herbal tea and a two-quart thermos of another kind. The quart jar gets topped up several times over the course of the morning. I've probably drunk a gallon by lunchtime, and continue through into the evening. I seldom have to wake up to pee at night.

Now, it's true that this has all been my pattern for many months, but I think the quart jar gets topped up more often these days, more extra tea gets brewed in the afternoons, more stevia sodas get drunk... Whenever I hike, I have problems with thirst. Never hunger.

Kudos to me, though: for the past eight days, none of this liquid has been caffeinated and I haven't taken any caffeine pills either! Small victories!

I can't eat that...but I know all about it

Over with friends on Friday, I was asked "Do you eat quinoa?"--they'd fixed it with me in mind. I thought for a moment and responded honestly, "I do eat quinoa in theory, but I only eat it at your house (or anyone else who made it with me in mind)." "It is plant in nature," said my friend--i.e. a good candidate for Ela-food, and mentioned he'd been eating more of it lately to soothe some stomach issues. Off I went, enumerating the nutritional virtues of quinoa, why it's so good for you--for him...I caught myself spouting nutritional information about different foods a couple times that evening.

Perhaps because my friend was so sweet about it, I was forcibly struck by the truth of the fact that theoretically I can eat quinoa, that I know it has nutritional benefits, but I won't eat more than a tablespoon of it at a friend's house, and will usually avoid even that. Yes, this is partly because I don't know what else got put in there, and partly because I don't like to eat heavy in the evenings, but it's mostly, as I admitted in the conversation, "too calorie dense." Same story for beans, sweet potatoes, other starches. I won't eat nuts except a little coconut or seeds except chia/hemp/flax and I can't remember when I last ate flax or hemp other than in protein powder. With the possible exception of sweet potatoes and chia/hemp/flax/coconut, these are all things I definitely feel better off without. But who am I going to be able to convince of that, when I can't eat gluten/dairy/soy/animal product to begin with?

A few months back, I was eating quinoa for breakfast--this is an old blog pic!

OK, it was less than a quarter cup of quinoa buried in turmeric-water and fruit, and OK, if I had even a teaspoon too much of that breakfast, I would spend the whole morning trying to keep it down, even after I nixed the banana, which was making me sick. So, true, I wouldn't dream of going back to quinoa for breakfast. I'm so happy not to be spending my mornings nauseous, as I did when this was breakfast, when chia pudding was breakfast (even made with one tablespoon of chia seeds), when carrot slaw with my favorite protein powder (which unfortunately makes me sick in more than minuscule quantities) was breakfast, when...you get the picture.

Nowadays, this is a more typical breakfast.

It's a few wild blackcurrants with spirulina and a whole teaspoon of molasses, with some stevia, and some psyllium to thicken the whole thing up. Maybe some fruit or dried fruit on the side. I'm using my nutritional knowledge, see, and trying to make sure I get some iron in. I don't want another iron shot after the one ten days ago--my butt hurt for almost a week! Spirulina and molasses are both great iron sources, and dark berries probably have some too. I'm pounding the nettle tea and eating nettles--sometimes the breakfast pictured above has had nettles in place of the currants.

I say this is great, I adore not being nauseous all morning. But realistically, if I go to any treatment center, they're not going to let me have that kind of breakfast! They're going to want me to have something more like the first breakfast, at least. Makes me nauseous just to contemplate. How will I manage with crappy institutional food and none of my normal superfoods--spirulina and chlorella--and supplements that keep me functioning so well?

It's a brutal paradox--I know so much about the nutritional properties of so many foods, but apparently am unable to feed myself sufficient quantities to stay out of trouble. Obviously, it's a matter of degree. Ordinarily, I do great on way less than anyone else around me. But maybe way, way, way less is too much "less"! Since the idea of going away to a treatment center is both so horrifying to me and apparently almost impossibly complicated to arrange, it troubles me that I'm apparently unable to work back up even to avoid the horror. I couldn't even explain why I can't. Hoping to find a way out. Hoping something will give before I have to deal with it that way.

Phil and I sat down this morning and brainstormed a little about how I ended up in this situation. Not surprisingly, the overwork of the past several months was a major culprit, but of course there are others. A long manic episode, the left-field caffeine addiction, some self esteem issues maybe...My mum immediately asked whether it had anything to do with the trip to Israel last November. One of my old great aunts, who hadn't seen me since I was 70 or 80lbs, greeted me delightedly with "You're fat!" Naturally, I was extremely upset... But I don't think that's the 'cause' of this situation, although I can't deny that it's crossed my mind, in Hebrew, to tell my great aunt I'm not fat anymore.

Let me know if this is too much information and you want me to return to my usual, more guarded sharing. I'll listen to any feedback I receive.
Thank you to everyone for all your friendship. My deepest thanks to those who are giving Phil support. This situation is hard on him: he's so used to being so good at helping people, and he feels helpless and frustrated.

HAWMC--Ekphrasis; Inspiration from Steve Almond, Connecting Joanna, and A Recipe

For today's HAWMC prompt, we're asked to go to http://www.flickr.com/explore, which displays a random image, and to write about that image, connecting it with our health focus. As a student of literature, especially ancient and medieval literature, I've thought a lot about the concept of ekphrasis, which is creative writing in response to works of art. I've written papers comparing passages from epic poems of different eras that do so, and even written some ekphrases myself. However, I haven't thought about ekphrasis in the connection of health writing before, so this should be interesting.


Before I get to that, I want to say two sentences about an inspiring craft talk in town last night, and relay a message for a friend. And after the ekphrasis talk, a recipe!


Steve Almond gave an inspiring talk at the college last night, titled "Funny is the New Deep,"in which he showed that the comic impulse is a deep-seated survival mechanism allowing us to deal with all that is humiliating, painful, tragic, or unbearable in life. He had some very important things to say about dragging your audience with you into your "dark corner" rather than "trying to be funny" in order to please the audience and flatter yourself, and drew a crucial distinction between writing and merely masturbating--yes, profane language was part of the toolkit! That was two sentences. One more thing: I appreciated that he had standardly published books, but also a selection of little self-published books, with the intent of returning to the model of personal connection between author and recipient. Awesome.


My friend Joanna Steven recently moved to Portland and is looking for likeminded people, especially parents of young children, with whom to connect. Here's what she wants you to know:

Raw Food Potluck & Playgroup in SW Portland (Oregon)!

Do you believe in the higher nutritional content of raw, unheated, unpasteurized foods, as well as sprouted foods? Do you enjoy eating sprouted seeds and nuts, sea vegetables, fruits, vegetables, and for some of us raw dairy? Do you get excited at the idea of juicing, blending green smoothies, and more? And most importantly, do you long to connect with like-minded families so our children can play together while enjoying nutritious raw snacks?

If so, this group is for you! Please join us in SW Portland so our children (from very small ones to 3 years of age) can play together in the backyard and parks when the weather allows it, or indoors. And we can chat together about our new health related findings, or anything we feel like talking about, make flax crackers, green smoothies, eat raw cakes and other goodies.

Please note: Open-mindedness is required to belong to this group. I don't expect every family to feed their children a diet identical to another family's diet. Still, we must have a few things in common! We believe that:
- Some of the most nutrient dense foods are raw and unheated
- We try our best to feed our children nutrient dense foods.
- If a food is not nutrient dense and is fed to the child, this dramatically lowers the child's chances of getting enough nutrition that day because the stomach is filled up with non nutritious foods.
- We try our best to eat organic, sustainable foods.

If you are interested in joining us, please go to our Meetup page. We hope to see you! 


Good luck, Joanna, and here's to many good connections.


Now, for the picture I'm going to write about:

This photo is titled Blossom Expectation and the photographer is Vangelis Bagiatis--a Greek, so I feel closer already! Right now, I'm taking all the apotropaics I can think of to avoid succumbing to the 'flu that prostrated Phil for two weeks (he's just now starting to get up, eat, etc, again), and I'm on my third day of sore throat/runny nose/sneezes. So right now, these expectant blossoms remind me of nothing so much as the expectant accumulation in my nasal passages building up to a sneeze. I hold my breath, pant a little--soon, soon--and am rewarded with the blossom of a sneeze. But of course, they also make me think of Anais Nin, and her eternal lines "And the time came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk to blossom." There's something joyful about coming into bloom, about the exuberant return of green to the northern landscape after a hard winter, about becoming functional again after sojourning in the world of the sick for a while. 
However, it's also scary. The inertia of winter and sickness becomes part of an identity--will the expectant blossom, furled tight, recognize itself with the winds blowing on it and the bees tugging at its petals? Will a recovering person be able to go out in the world again and knock elbows with all the people out there who have no idea of what she's been through and will treat her just as they treat anyone they encounter? Auden was skeptical that there's anything volitional about the process of coming into blossom--"perhaps the roses really want to grow," he says, a little sarcastically. But when we take the metaphor and apply it to people--such an apt metaphor as it is--not all people want to grow all the time. It takes courage. It takes willingness to look to the future. And sometimes, it takes a little push from the "beyond," to which we're more open when we pay attention to metaphor.


Recipe Time--Artichoke-kissed Quinoa
Every Wednesday evening, we have dinner with Phil's daughter. I usually make a salad, some sort of veggie, and a gluten free dessert for her. I'm not much for dinner or dessert, so I usually make the dessert gf but not vegan so that I don't have to eat it. Last night, I didn't go to the dinner because I was at Steve Almond's talk, but I did make some goodies worth sharing. I appreciate these evening writing events as a nice opportunity simply to skip dinner, and I have some tricks to make that even easier that I might share sometime.


The salad was super-simple and beautiful, featuring green-leaf lettuce from Full Circle Farm, tomatoes, avocado, and half a red grapefruit also from Full Circle Farm. Some minced dill. A drizzle of balsamic vinegar over it--light and lovely!

I also decided to make a quinoa dish. We love to use all parts of whatever food we buy, and when my friend Jeanie made a quinoa dish one time using the liquid from a jar of artichoke hearts, and Phil, who's not usually a quinoa fan, loved it, I knew that I'd have to do that at some point! Since I wasn't going to be there last night, and I'm not a fan of the artichoke hearts or the liquid, it seemed a perfect opportunity.

The quinoa was cooked in the artichoke liquid (with a few artichoke tendrils remaining also) and gently sauteed Full Circle Farm veggies went in there too. This is a very simple, adaptable recipe, and comes together quickly.

1 cup quinoa, well rinsed
2 1/2 cups artichoke liquid (if there isn't enough in the jar, rinse the jar with water and use the rinse water) NB--veggie broth or plain water would work fine here too
1 teaspoon coconut oil (optional)
1/4 medium onion, chopped
1 small carrot, chopped
1 small zucchini, cut into half moons
4 medium mushrooms, chopped
1/3 cup slivered almonds
salt and pepper to taste


Cook the quinoa in the artichoke liquid. Keep the lid on for the first 20 minutes and then remove it to let excess water evaporate. 
Around the time you remove the lid, saute the onions and carrots in the coconut oil (or in a drop of water). 
Set aside, then saute the zucchini, and then the mushrooms. You could probably do these all together, but I had a tiny pan to work with, hence the serial processing!
When the excess liquid has evaporated, gently stir the veggies into the quinoa, together with the slivered almonds (save a few for topping, if you like). 
Test for taste and add salt and pepper as needed. The artichoke liquid is pretty flavorful and has herbs and spices too, so the mix should be pretty well seasoned from the get-go.


This was well enjoyed. It would be good with any combination of veggies--try bell peppers and corn, or broccoli and peas--or whatever your favorite veggies are!


Oh, and for dessert I made my version of Lori's version of Bodyrocked Banana Bread, which is very popular with Amy! Thanks again, Lori!

Signing off here--what would YOU say about that photo?