Hope everyone's having a great weekend! Today's reflection on self-love was an extremely powerful one for me: not only did Tina raise the ugly demon of 'fat talk:' she also gave a striking example of how she had countered it and talked herself out of it. What a lifeline of an idea this is, that we don't have to be stuck with berating our bodies: that we can consciously choose better ways to talk to ourselves.
I'll come back to that with some reflections on my own in a bit. First, though, my confession of the week. My confession is this: I love to have so many projects going on, especially growing/culturing/fermenting projects, and I don't always stay on top of them. And the worst thing about it is, sometimes I haven't just plain forgotten: it's in the back of my mind that something needs doing but I just don't get around to it. This makes me sad. Sometimes I have kombucha, kefir, sauerkraut, sourdough culture, sprouts I'm growing, mead wine…all on the go at once! And more often than I'd like, I don't take the best care of everything for it to be its best possible. I've just been using yeast to make Phil's bread lately but recently started a sourdough, and then didn't take sufficiently regular care of it, and it went bad. Sourdough culture gone bad is a variety of stench that you're really not missing if you can avoid ever smelling it!
One thing that helps me not to mess up like this, and also keeps my anxiety down in general, is to make a to-do list. Somehow, if it's on the list, it'll get checked off! Even if it doesn't make it that day, it'll go on the next days list and eventually get done. I've noticed I'm less anxious if I make a list every day. Otherwise, it's easy to think I've done nothing because I discount all the myriad little things that I do.
OK, so with our garden season coming to its end, I'm pleased to be able to report that my first batch of beet kraut came out great, and that the past couple of days I've put on two more batches of kraut and am determined to pay them good attention.
Back in August, our cauliflowers were the best I've ever had…
…and then the slugs came. What a difference a month makes! It's not just that they're not as pretty (the purple on this one is because I had beet on my hand lol) - they get embittered by the predation of the slugs. So, I chopped the cauliflower up fine, ensuring that there were no slugs still lurking in there ;<), added some of my batch of cabbage-jalapeno kraut to get things started, and about a tablespoon of rock salt, and ensured that the kraut is submerged in liquid.
Today I did the same with chard. I'm going to keep them as warm as possible given how chilly it's getting here, and within a couple of days they should be fermenting nicely.
OK - back to today's reflection on self-love. Tina calls it "that inner dialogue of self-doubt that puts down our image and denies us our true beauty. I actually like to think of it as 'self doubt talk,' because I believe it plays in more than physical appearance." I am so strongly in agreement with this. I have never been a person who read the 'fashion icon' magazines, dressed fashionably, or even paid much attention to all of that side of things, and yet 'fat talk' has dogged me pretty much forever. And it's all to do with a feeling of unworthiness, a feeling of taking up too much space, a sense that nothing you can do could ever be good enough.
What if we are enough? What if doing our best is plenty, even if the level of it varies from one day to another?
I am so profoundly grateful for Tina's story about how she has learned to stop that kind of self-talk in its tracks. And along these lines, here is a bonus confession for the day: I am aware that this talk has been such an integral part of my inner voice for so long that there is some ambivalence about stopping it in its tracks. There is some comfort in familiarity. But it makes me ashamed to say that evidently there is a part of me that wants to beat up on myself like that: surely, this runs counter to my goal of doing my best; to my recognition that to love others authentically, I must love myself, with love being a comprehensive, pro-active state of being and doing?
So, how about stopping it in its tracks? Going back to the gifts of the body, when I get down on my thighs and butt (like I did when I saw the above photo), I can remind myself that I'm able to hike every day now - maybe not so far some days, but a few months ago I'd have to rest for several days after one not very long hike. I could point out to myself that they are long and shapely, even if I see some cellulite when I put them in certain angles. I could remember to feel gratitude that they carry me so far and work so tirelessly. I know that I eat very healthily and not too much, and that I can't give my body the message of starvation because it's being trained not to have that message all the time. In the same way, why not train my body to believe that it is beautiful, lean, proportioned just how I want it to be, so that it reflects externally my inner beauty rather than my inner frustration with myself?
