My Dream Day

HAWMC decrees it's time for a pleasant surprise, the shape of a dream day! As we near the month's midpoint, we're expanding dimensions and domains of ever-fertile imagination. I'm setting myself the additional challenge that I'm going to phrase every element of my dream day in terms of what is present, rather than in terms of the absence of some irritant.


My dream day would include rainbows and other plays of the light, to remind me of the principles of play and beauty in the universe. No unicorns, though!

On my dream day, I would awaken naturally early and get up to summertime daylight infused with the excited buzz of morning, of stirring, of a whole day ahead. I would do my Five Tibetans and 15-20 minutes bouncing on the rebounder, just like any other day--it's always one of the best parts of the day.


Then, I would sit down and write for a while. I'd do some journaling, and then turn to my poetry notebooks, write down some ideas, and decide which drafts I'd be working on that day. At some point during that process, the phone would ring, and it would be Phil. He's off adventuring across the bay, or else he's on a guys' weekend with his old and dear friends. Checking in, letting me know he's having a wonderful time and will be home mid-afternoon. I'd start to think about what good food I could fix to welcome him home.


On my dream day, there would be beautiful plants, both in my indoor space--aloe, mint, parsley--and outside.

Mint and chocolate would flow--at any time in the day that I wanted any sustenance, I would drink mint chocolate coconut milk, and my body would love the mint and chocolate just as much as my taste buds do.


I would take time to enjoy all the colors and smells of out-of-doors, and to feel grateful.

The symmetry and abandoned abundant asymmetry of plants, the wisdom of earth and root.

In fact, on my dream day, the weather would be warm and gorgeous enough that I would take my pen and notebooks outside and write en plein air. The air would kiss my bare skin, and the mosquitoes would be elsewhere. I'd be fully engrossed in my writing, and would feel alive in the most complete, connected way.


I would take a break and play in the kitchen, which would be tidy and well organized and clean. I would make some goodies that I knew for sure Phil would love. While I was doing a part of that that wasn't noisy or complicated, I'd talk with my mum on the phone.


Early afternoon, I'd have a short meet-up with some poet friends in town. We'd critique each other's poems and enjoy being around each other.


Sometime mid-afternoon, Phil would arrive home with his piles of stuff. As so often, he'd get home and be ready to go right back out again. We'd head out for a beautiful hike, catch up, have some great conversations, be pleased to be together.


We'd have dinner, either just the two of us, or out visiting at the home of some dear friends. Whatever I'd made earlier that day would be exactly on point for what Phil was craving that evening.


We'd come home, I'd do a late email check and hear from some of my favorite people. There would also be a message saying that several poems of mine were accepted by one of my favorite literary magazines, and another favorable message from a potential publisher for a manuscript of poems.


We'd enjoy a late sunset together, and feel harmonic, happy, and blessed. 

I did my dream day as if living right here where I am, but of course, it could be off somewhere else too. For now, this feels good.

How would your dream day look?

Ten Essentials (HAWMC)

My sincerest thanks for all the love and comments, both on and off the blog, in response to my previous post. The freedom to express myself and the loving responses are really helping me through this challenging time.

Happy Friday the 13th! A lucky day for many, I know. Today's prompt: Ten Things You Can't Do Without--the desert island emergency kit. I like how WEGO suggest that this list could be expanded on in future posts as well, focusing on why these items are important. I should start by saying that the whole concept of "ten things I can't do without" strikes a discordant note for me. There has been so much emphasis in my life on "doing without." Even now, living in what feels like relative luxury, I live without a bathroom or toilet in a not-quite-two-room cabin, driving 20-some-year old beat-down automobiles. I've lived without electricity, without a convenient water supply, without food, without friends. Probably the "no friends" scenario was the hardest of all. I get really into certain foods and think I'll eat them every day for the rest of my life, and then I can't look at them. So, whenever I try to think of something I'll certainly need and couldn't do without, the chances are that there's either been a time in my life when I've done without it, or that I can envision a time when I'll do without it in the future.


With that disclaimer, here are ten things I love, not necessarily in order:


1. The Sun!
Like the moon, I need the light of the sun to respond to--I reflect its light and shine back myself.

full moon last September

Even when the sun is filtered through snow clouds, it fuels me and lifts me up.  

I feel blessed to see the colors the sun throws through our atmosphere--winter sunsets are one of the best things about winter here. 

These last few days, we've had the "solar oven" effect in our cabin, which I love. I miss the warmth of the CA and HI and Israel sun--but find so much to appreciate about the sun here.


2. People
If it wasn't for other people, I definitely wouldn't still be around. I mean that both figuratively and very literally.


If it wasn't for my mum--and my dad, of course--I wouldn't be here in the first place. And my mum has also been a wonderful rock and help to me through some dark times in my life.

Phil, of course. Even if he's ashamed of me at the moment, his love, his kindness, his generosity, his general all-around awesomeness are green shoots in the parched and chilled soil of my existence. He's so beloved by so many people, and I feel truly blessed that he directs so much of his abundant love toward me.

Everyone who reads this blog! If you didn't read it, I wouldn't be writing it, so I "wouldn't be here" in that sense either. Having lived in so many places throughout my life, I have the bittersweet Persephone blessing of dear friends scattered all around the world. I am grateful, so grateful, for all my friends--both those whom I'm blessed to see on a regular basis and those with whom I have to keep up by electronic and spiritual means, including some I've never met face to face.
(Now, how would I take "people" with me to a desert island??)


3. Writing (Pens, notebooks, computers) 
If not for writing, I'd have no sense of perspective on my life, and I'd perpetually feel like the unmilked cow. I wouldn't be giving as much either to my community or to my immediate environment.


I'm so grateful for notebooks and the trees from which they came.

And for my computers, as frustrating as they can be at times! Yes, this is a snapshot of using both computers for recording a lecture (slides on one, script on the other)--but even writing lectures is a valid part of writing!

4. Rocks, and Hiking to Find Them

We're blessed to live right on the edge of a beach that is rocky, dynamic, and often deserted. I'm one of those who has to limit the number of rocks she brings home from a hike, and I'm somewhat obsessed with rocks with holes in them! Last weekend, when Terry was visiting, she and Phil hiked without me while I nursed my 'flu and worked, and both days they brought me home a "hole" rock. I'd have loved to have been able to join them for the hike, but those gifts made me feel so special and loved, and included.


5. Creating Food for Other People and Gifting It
Another thing I couldn't take to a desert island so easily!

As non-visual and messy as I am, it's really meaningful to me not only to make delicious food for people, well-chosen food for each person's tastes and preferences, but also to make it beautiful and to present it in an attractive way.


6. Herbs
I make up for all the things on the list that I couldn't take with me to a desert island by including something I would likely find right there! 

This reminds me that I should resume my series of Herbal Projects blog posts! Wildcrafting, growing, harvesting, playing with herbs--I've been doing it since I was about 4 years old when I served our coal delivery man a brew I'd made from herbs in the back yard! As mercurial and changeable as I am, this is something I've always come back to, and whether or not the herbs themselves are efficacious (often they are), it seems like the activity of being engaged with them is a total positive for me.


7. Carrots!
I should do a compilation post of all my carrot recipes sometime! This is one of the things I'm afraid I might end up "going off of," but carrots have been a staple in my diet for an impressively long time by my standards. I wish they had fewer omega-6's and more omega-3's, but they have very little of either. I love their taste, texture and versatility.


We still haven't figured out how to grow wonderful carrots here, they've tended to be woody...

...although this carrot is a winner, and it's even paired with another of my favorites, mint, and with a beloved notebook and Vitamix in the background...

8. Pills

I hate to say it, and would love to think that this may not be true sometime in the future, but I'd be remiss not to include medications in this list. As resistant as I can be to taking them, they're the first thing I pack whenever I go on a trip, and I know that if I go without them for long, bad things happen.

9. Green Growth, Inside and Out
I'd hope that my desert island wasn't a sandy desert but had at least some rainfall and water--but even in parched sandy soils, green things grow. As the sun lifts me up, the green in the ground calms me and gives me a sense of connection with life beyond the bounds of my own body.

 Plants in the house breathe for me.

10. Muscle...and Fat
I've buried this all the way at the bottom, where perhaps no one's reading anymore, so if you're still reading you get to tell me whether this is brave or just bravado. Part of my incredulity about the danger and criticality of my current situation stems from the fact that in the past I've been at much lower, scarily low, weights than I am now--and here I still am, so what's the big deal, right?! So I'm reminding myself that with 20 fewer pounds on me than I have now, what I would lose would be mostly muscle. It was hard to move around with that little muscle back then. I need muscle. I'd go as far as to say it's essential. And I hate even more to say this one, but in addition to muscle, I need some adipose tissue. I still see plenty of fat on my body--that's not negotiable, that's not there to be gotten rid of. Thyroid and steroid hormones, like progesterone, are held in fat tissue, so if I don't have anywhere to put them, taking my pills won't do me any good!


That's my Ten, and it got long! I've seen some wonderful Ten Things on other people's posts already this morning, being "behind the curve" in Alaska Time. What are YOUR ten things?

Gone TOo Far--Can I Turn Things Back Around? HAWMC

Today is "Stream of Consciousness Day." My first thought--"What? Stream of consciousness on my public blog?" WEGO explain that they're making precisely that challenge--that we put ourselves out there, raw, uncensored, unedited, unexpurgated subconscious thoughts and preoccupations. Their challenge: "Start with the phrase, "Today I looked in the mirror and..."--fifteen minute stream of consciousness.


OK--that's the prompt--I'm game, but afraid it'll be a stream of self-consciousness. I also worry about narcissism inherent in such a prompt, but perhaps there's something potentially narcissistic about a blog in the first place. They do say only fifteen minutes, so at least it'll be short(!) Here goes...

Today I looked in the mirror and saw dark circles under my eyes, hollow cheeks. It's nearly the end of the semester, I just have to push through a little more. I've re-established sleep at nights and taking of medications. I think I'm keeping up appearances really well: I can't imagine that any of my friends and acquaintances think anything's amiss at all.

But in truth, I'm fading.

Conversations with my husband in which he expresses deep concern about how busy I am, how little time I have to do any of the things we like to do together, how I'm not taking good enough care of myself, are becoming more frequent and more intense. This morning, he returned from a breakfast date with a friend and informed me he's ashamed of me. Ashamed that when the friend asked after me, he couldn't say I was doing well. Ashamed that my healthcare professionals are seriously concerned about me to the point that if things haven't changed within three weeks I won't be able to stay at home.

It hurts to be told that your husband is ashamed of you! It also feels kind of remote, because I'm in such a tunnel of work to be done. I know I'm running a little ragged and go a little--ok, a lot--crazy at times... But can't me being ashamed of that be enough?

The truth is, I have to acknowledge I've gone too far. In my Superpower post last week, I boasted of my minimal needs for fuel and mentioned that lately I'd been eating even less than my minimal norm. I've gotten habituated to 300 calories a day. Aside from some fatigue in the aftermath of last week's 'flu, my energy has remained fantastic, which makes it hard to understand that this isn't a good situation. The issue isn't even weight loss, although it is true my clothes are falling off of me--even with my superpower-efficient metabolism, it's a strain on my heart to be required to get so many miles to the gallon.

So, I confess--I've gone too far. And while my continued freedom makes status quo seem enticing, makes it harder to believe that this is a crisis point, said continued freedom is conditional on my keeping to a contract with my Naturopath to turn this train around and gradually, incrementally, increase the amount of fuel put in the tank.

And I can temper my incredulity that I'm in a dangerous situation, when I'm keeping up appearances so well and nobody around me has any idea about it, with the consideration that perhaps there are people around me quietly having crises to which I'm oblivious myself!

Let's all take care of each other, guys. 

What's in YOUR stream of consciousness today?

Pictures of Receding Snow, Two Recipe Reviews, Theme Song HAWMC #11

Today's the "Theme Song" day on HAWMC. Poignant and funny for me given that in my last post I mentioned how big a part of my life music was back in the day and how little part it plays anymore. Doubly poignant because it's been a horrendous and stressful couple days. I've had overloaded semesters before, and as the end approaches they get harder, and my coping mechanisms get more skewed. Our Anchorage trip brought some of that home in scary ways, plus the travel itself is long...

But enough of that! I have some gorgeous pictures of our springtime and our drive to Anchorage to share, and a couple recipe reviews, as well as a happy theme song I managed to find.

So much gorgeous snow still on the Kenai mountains...

But the road is completely clear of snow!

...and on the southfacing mountain slopes lower down, the snow is mostly gone! The alder tips are all red, and the birches are getting ready to bud too.

The night before we left for town, we had a big moose visitor again. This one is a cow, and she looks to be in good shape!

While we were on the road, the snow melted steadily back home. Here's the view from our cabin door--that field of snow is almost gone, running down the bluff toward the ocean as fast as it can go.

And look at this grass--it's found a southfacing rock near the edge of the bluff, warmed by the sun, baked by the rock--tall and green and thriving!

OK--what would my theme song be for this blog, for my health issues, for this space?

While I was lying awake last night, I puzzled over that. I'd love to write my own song, but wasn't in a space to do it last night. I don't listen to many songs much and don't have a very up-to-date internal jukebox. I found myself going back to the nursery rhymes, looking for something happy, but that encapsulated the rollercoaster fact of my life, the cycles, the change.
I ended up with a Hebrew nursery rhyme! I wish I could reproduce the melody as well, because it's so happy! It also involves word-play, which is right up my alley. Here it is:

Uga uga uga, ba ma'agal nachuga
nitztovev kol ha'yom
ad asher nimtza makom
la'shevet la'kum, la'shevet la'kum
la'shevet ve la'kum

And it means--well, "uga" means "cake," but it's also related to the words for "circle" and "twirl around," and it's often sung at kids' birthday parties. So it means,
"Cake, cake cake! We'll twirl around in a circle.
We'll dance around all day long
until we find a place
to sit down, to stand up, to sit down, to stand up,
to sit down and to stand up."

And of course you do the movements as you sing the song!

Speaking of cake, I tried out a couple other bloggers' cakey recipes recently. I'm incapable of following a recipe precisely, and actually I love that when I review other people's recipes, because if it doesn't come out well, I can blame myself, but if it comes out wonderfully, I can credit them for the idea!

First up, I tried out Evan's Lemon cupcakes when Terry was here this weekend--I just had a hunch that she'd really appreciate the lemony coconutty action. I billed them as breakfast muffins, and made them without the frosting, and with less sugar and some erythritol, and used four regular eggs and one small rather than two eggwhites and four eggs.

I swore I took a photo, but apparently I didn't! So my major fail is that I didn't take a picture of these, but they were beautiful! I didn't eat any, but Terry loved them--and Phil did too, which was an unexpected bonus! Thanks so much, Evan!

Second--and this time I did manage to take pics--I tried out Chocolate Covered Katie's Deep Dish Cinnamon Roll Pie. I think I've posted some bean-based cake recipes here before, but hadn't made one for ages, and was excited to try the combination with gf oats--love cinnamon too, of course. My tweaks for this one were: I used great northern beans (which are white beans, I guess). I cut the coconut oil down to just 2 tablespoons (just because); I replaced the sugar with a cup of erythritol and half a teaspoon of stevia, which was sweeter than I needed, but I was making it to share. I baked it in a 9x9, which may not be the prettiest presentation, but it was easier for me to cut into equal pieces so that my calorie-counting math would actually mean something!

The top came out a bit dry and flakey--I've had that happen before with bean-based cakes, and I suspect that my reducing the fat encouraged the tendency, as well as our tiny toaster oven. Otherwise, though, moist, delicious, subtle texture, lovely!
I didn't go to the Easter gathering with all our friends because of my 'flu, but one of my favorite people is on a diet right now and often skipping beloved dessert, so among the various goodies I sent to the party with Phil, I made sure to send some of the cinnamon cake with a note about just how diet-friendly it was!

According to Phil, it was very well received. Thank you, Katie!

Whew! That was a long post! What would your theme song be?

HAWMC #10--To My Sixteen-Year-Old Self

Another quick post from the road. Today's HAWMC prompt is to write a letter to my sixteen-year-old self. I don't have a photo of myself at that age, unfortunately--would have been a fun addition to this post. I love this recent photo of our beach for the play of light and darkness and the implication that you don't know what's coming around the corner.

Dear Sixteen-year-old me,


I'm still going! Well past 30! You would never have guessed that, would you? As psychic as you are, a lot of things are going to happen that you haven't ever imagined. In some ways, they are just the details, and your insight about the "big stuff" is right on. But in some ways, when it comes right down to it, the details are really all we have. The place we call home (for me now it's a place you couldn't even conceive of), the relationships we have--the people with whom we surround us, how we choose to spend our time and energy. The big, important, cosmic spiritual stuff really is dependent on that. 
Right now, you are pouring so much energy into your music and oboe playing, and getting to be really good. Would you believe me if I told you that you will perform the Strauss Oboe Concerto with an orchestra at Oxford University? I know you'd love to be able to perform that work some day: you will! You'll also become extremely good on the english horn. You're a fantastic player, and you'll never know how good you are. But how would you feel if I told you that ten years from now you'll stop playing altogether? Can you imagine not spending up to four hours a day practicing, more time making reeds, rehearsing with ensembles almost daily? Would you believe it if I told you that it can all just fall away when you let go of your body? And that when you find your way back to your body, you might never pick it back up? 


I feel that I should apologize to you for the fact that I still haven't figured out a way to be at ease with having a body, or found a comfortable space that navigates food allergies, desired body shape, etc, without damaging health--but perhaps I should blame you for that instead, as you built that bridge and set that course.


What I will tell you is that it's not so bad to get help--people mean well, by and large. Accepting love from other people is one of the surest tethers to life, and one of the surest ways to find meaning in life. It's not at all demeaning to you that your struggles with food and body have a name, and that your tendencies to be either exultant or raging or deathly depressed also have a name. These "names" simply mean that there are other people who go through similar things. We're all unique, but we can support each other when we see ourselves in one another. On the other hand, never let go of the fact that you know best about yourself, your body, your spirit. It's inevitable that you'll make some choices you regret in life, but looking back, I have to tell you that all the most regretful things you'll do will be based on changing yourself to try to please or fit in with other people--to the point of temporarily destroying your own integrity. Please, know you are worth more than that.


One more thing, to make up for the loss of the music: What you never will let go of is your writing! Those little notebooks hidden in the mattress, those pencil-scrawled poems, eight or ten to a tiny page, let their light shine, write them big! They are your great work in embryo.


With much love,
Ela

HAWMC #9: Keep Calm and Carry On Ulterior-Harmonically

Heads-up: today and tomorrow, I'm on the road to Anchorage, so my posts will be short and sweet! I have several "other bloggers' recipes" that I tried and tweaked for this holiday, and will share when I'm home and settled.


Today's HAWMC prompt is to make our own version of a "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster. I'm sure I'm missing some essential cultural information here, as I'd never heard of the poster before (shoot me)! (Updated right before we hit the road--WEGO's blog provides the history lesson, and essentially what we're doing is a parody.) Additionally, as you all know by now, I'm not a very visual person--words and sounds all the way, so I wasn't very confident about this activity. Additionally, the computer's misbehaving, and I'm getting the 'spinning pinwheel' every few letters I type (and I type fast normally)... not conducive to poster creation!


OK--this was supposed to be short and sweet! I wanted my poster to recognize the "ulterior harmony" philosophy that often, unseen connections are the most powerful ones, and the importance of sound and silence in grounding me. Generally, if I'm listening to the silence behind the words and sounds, I run a little less crazy. I also wanted to include the wordplay on:

mediate/meditate/medicate

because, hard as it can be to accept, the torrent of input/output and garbled reactions needs to be mediated! I need to find ways to be in the middle of the stream, not submerged, not careening through the rapids, not running aground. Meditation and medication are both key for that. My favorite color is green, next is purple, closely followed (sometimes surpassed) by rusty orange-brown. 


So, here's my poster:

I love how the bird has three strands on its right wing but only two on its left! Balance despite asymmetry. 

I wish I could have manipulated the font sizes--my small "mediate" corresponds to "and" in "Keep Calm and Carry On," I guess--but in a way, having it small at the center makes sense, in an inverse sort of way.

Thanks for looking! What would YOUR poster say?

Great Conversations, and Full-on Maca Mojo for Terry--HAWMC #8

Remember this white chocolate maca bark I posted at Terry's urging? Since Terry herself is spending the weekend with us, I made her some dark chocolate maca bark for full-on mojo! Recipe down below.

Today's HAWMC prompt asks for a recreation of the week's best conversation. Something I enjoy pointing out in the Linguistics class I teach is the power of speech as a means of bringing something into existence. Even beyond performative speech acts (like "I pronounce you man and wife;" "I name this ship Sachem"), we create relationships, gifts, connections, and so much more, purely through our use of language.

One of my favorite conversations this week was one I wasn't involved in! But I was involved in the conversation that spawned it. Yesterday, Phil's daughter called from the library (where she works) to say a book had come in for Phil. I confessed to her:

"I thought I'd knocked that 'flu on the head, but as soon as I went out on Friday, I started to feel bad again, and it ended up I couldn't sleep last night---it was my turn to wake Phil up!..." (sympathetic noises from Amy) "I really want to go get a good hot shower or steam at the gym--but of course it's Easter, so everything's closed! Phil said I should ask Leslie (Amy's mom) if I can soak in her tub." Amy said, "Well, if you don't feel comfortable asking mom, you can take a shower at my place, but my water pump's on the fritz so I've been taking power showers, which might not be what you need right now. And you know mom would love to share her tub." "OK, thanks so much. I know you're right about that." 

A few hours later, the phone rang again, and Amy was up at Leslie's and had evidently told her about our conversation. That's the favorite conversation that I didn't even hear! So it was Leslie on the phone, saying "Come on up! Any time you like!" I said "I don't know if I should go anywhere tonight or wait until tomorrow." Leslie said, "I think the sooner you can sweat some of that crud out, the better, and the tub's just sitting there waiting for someone to soak in it."


So, Phil, Terry and I all went up to Leslie's, providing the bonus that Terry got to see Leslie's spectacular panoramic view and visit with her and Amy. And I spent probably 45 minutes in that big tub--big enough for me to lie full-length, or, if I curled in fetal position, I could float back and forth like a veritable fetus. I was grateful for the conversations that took place in my head in there too, this first moment for weeks that I disengaged from everything and just lay quiet in hot water. My thoughts went directly to the poems I'm working on, and it felt so good to have that time to process on them.


I'm so grateful both to Leslie and Amy--I felt so cared about and nurtured, and deep-muscle-relaxed, and I slept so well last night--an unusual thing indeed of late. At this point, I may not make it to our Easter/Passover celebration, which was sort of my idea in the first place, although I'll definitely send Phil laden with goodies. But this time, I'm getting over the 'flu for sure!


Recipe: Chocolate Maca Mojo (Sugar Free, Vegan, Raw)
Terry really appreciated the maca in the original version of this, and she doesn't need to avoid chocolate, so I thought this new version would take it to the next level. I knew she appreciated goji berries, so I added those and cacao nibs for texture. I've mentioned before that I think maca and coconut taste wonderful together: I think a hint of spice makes them even better, so I included some cayenne in this version.


The measurements are a little eccentric, because 3/8 cup cacao butter was what I had, but I think it'll make sense.


Ingredients:
3/8 cup cacao butter
1 cup coconut butter (or "creamed coconut," which comes in 7oz blocks, a little under a cup)
3 tablespoons powdered xylitol
1/4 cup cacao powder
1 1/2 T maca
"a good pinch" cayenne powder
"a good pinch" vanilla powder
"a good pinch" salt


3 tablespoons cacao nibs
3 tablespoons goji berries, chopped


How-to:
Melt the cacao and coconut butters together, and then simply add all the powders in gradually and stir very, very well. Once there are no lumps, stir in the cacao nibs and goji berry pieces.

Pour into molds of choice, refrigerate until set, pop out, and share with abandon! I was going to just give the whole batch to Terry, but then Phil came by and wanted to taste, and said "That's one of the best things you've made!" So he got one of the bars too. I'm so happy he liked it as well.

What was YOUR favorite conversation this week? And gosh, aren't I lucky with my friends?