...Lots of very good things are happening. Even the weather has been quite gorgeous the past few days. And yet, I confess that I'm clouded by a sense of apprehension. It's not that I'm refusing the hurdle, but I am feeling some stage fright. At a Writers Group in town today, I volunteered not to read my work because there was a big turnout, and then realized that I actually didn't want to read my work (which ordinarily, I'm quite happy to do every time).
Seeing my workshop submissions amidst the workshop materials for the upcoming MFA Residency, I feel hopelessly outclassed. I have a similar feeling toward a poetry group that a few of us here in Homer are starting up. At the same time, I'm jumping-for-joy-excited about both the MFA and the local poetry group. The truth of the matter is that I'm tremendously stoked to be facing these magnificent learning opportunities. They merit all the hyperbole I'm giving them: dream come true.
Stage fright and nerves are just tribute to what a big deal these opportunities are. And to the confuzzlement of all the other stuff that's happening at the same time!
I'm also not feeling so well, and am frustrated by it. I'd been feeling fantastic for a while, working out loads, getting in shape, feeling like I'd left chronic fatigue behind. These last few days, it's caught up with me. And my skin is worse than when I was a teen--I feel unsightly. I'm also taking one last round of medication for the yeast/gut balance issues; the same medication that made me feel like hell back in March, so that may be a part of it. Worst is that I don't like myself very much right now, and I'm not even sure why, except that stress is high.
Here are some more of the good things that have been happening recently:
Our Fourth of July festivities were dwarfed by our friend David's 65th birthday on the 3rd. Olga had gotten him a boat as a special gift, and we were complicit in keeping this as a surprise. It was driven up outside their house while David was distracted...
As for Phil of the bad back: he's pretty much back up to full speed, although he's talking about making the significant lifestyle modifications that his back condition supposedly requires. I called the Insurance on Tuesday, we got him in for an MRI on Wednesday, and today, Thursday, we saw the doctor about the MRI findings. Even though it wasn't good news, it couldn't have been good news: we were trying to find out what was wrong. Sometimes, it just feels good to get stuff done. MRI stuff can take months. The procedure itself merits a story all of its own--I got to watch! I may tell it sometime.
Given this crazy-busy, I've no idea what my blogging schedule will be able to be for the next few weeks. I'll look in as I'm able and share as much as I can.
Do you enjoy witnessing medical procedures like MRI's? (Phil got to watch my LASIK surgery!)
How do you cope with overloaded schedules?
I'll be thinking of you Ela. I can understand why you wouldn't be feeling so well, even without the yeastie medicine. Just reading this blog post left me feeling a bit tired. I've struggled most of my days with similar emotions to what you are describing. For myself, I've been getting the message that a decent sleep schedule would help a lot. Is it hard to sleep in Alaska in the summer when it stays light so late?....I also have degenerated disks, and I developed herniated disks in my forties. One chiropractor told me most people actually have some degeneration by the time they are in their thirties. I'm pain-free most of the time if I do my exercises and don't overdo. There's a lot of interesting info out there about back issues. Dr. Weil shares some interesting anecdotes in his book, Spontaneous Healing. Thinking of all you have to do, and contemplating your "hale and hardy" husband with an "irreversible" back condition is a lot. I hope you will be very gentle with yourself. I like you Ela. :) I'm smiling and thinking of Al Franken's old skit on Saturday Night Live years ago where he would look at the camera and say "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!" You are and we do! Love, Mindy
ReplyDeleteWow. You are busy.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you still like yourself. It must just be stress.
Sorry to hear about Phil. I hope something can be done for his back.
Wow, Ela, you have a lot going on and I can understand why your body might be feeling a bit stressed. My skin usually goes a little nutso during crazy periods as well. However, both your spinach and the blue skies look gorgeous, and it must have been so fun to be in on the boat surprise.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about Phil's back. Good luck to him, and to you with the wedding prep, MFA, poetry writing and the harvesting!
Mindy, thank you so much for this and thanks for the smiles. It'll be an interesting balance for Phil to find between doing the exercises that keep things limber but not overdoing to the point of perpetuating inflammation and doing more damage.
ReplyDeleteThings are going ok so far: I just have to make sure that I make time for myself in the midst of it all.
Sleep is so important too, you're right. And yes, the light does get to me in terms of finding sleep, but my head usually ends up under the covers anyway, so that tends to take care of it!
I hope I'll be able to get a brief post up today or tomorrow with just a few snippets.
love
Ela
Thanks, Shannonmarie.
ReplyDeleteI got a B12/B6 shot yesterday, and also got my period, and I think I'm going to be feeling much happier now! Also some of the anxiety has been realized with the arrival of the first bunch of company, so now it's just 'roll with it' rather than worrying about getting it all right.
love
Ela
Thanks, kt--
ReplyDelete--Yes, so many good things are happening right now. And now that the first bunch of people are here, 'rolling with it' and taking work breaks for myself is somehow less stressful than the buildup.
love
Ela