Continuing with Words; Resuming Habits; Picture Questions

My words are being judged and condemned--words I did say, words I did not say and might/should have said, words I did not say inferred from words I did say.

This, after all the progress I felt I'd made in the months away specifically on communication, hurts.

My hand keeps seeking the heart chakra area at the center of my chest, as if looking for a talisman to clutch; but perhaps I need to accept that my bones are my only talismans, my own thorax my only armor.

I find myself thinking I need to take a vow of silence: a thought that occurred many times during the hard work away from here, whether reacting to my perception that I talked too much in group therapy or recoiling from my horror at having said something inappropriate. Stop talking except to answer questions; delete the blog; write poetry only about the weather or the beautiful changing tidescapes of our beach and seasons.

But then again, I am a writer! In so being, I lay myself open a willing victim for judgment and condemnation of my words, and so must it always be! The fact that it's happening in a more domestic sphere simply gives me a very high-stake opportunity to evaluate what I say and how I say it (although there's less I can do about what I don't say that, in someone else's view, I should have said, or about inferences drawn from what I say).

So, I'll continue this writing habit and hold that little frisson of anxiety as to how it may be judged for a spiky, reminding talisman at my heart.

Meanwhile, I'm continuing to look at those habits last-mentioned, to attempt to sanify some elements of their resumption at least. I had grated carrot for breakfast yesterday, but I did at least have a decent amount of coconut cream, chia meal and fruit with it. I used my Vitamix finally-finally yesterday, and it contained more than just ice and spirulina ;) although how its contents would map onto the 'exchanges' of my supposed meal plan would have to remain a mystery.

Two days ago, the dehydrator came out. I made my own granola--not even something I ever ate before I left. Very simple--gf oats, coconut, dried mulberries and cherries, some cacao nibs, a little maple syrup, a little coconut oil, a little salt. As I would like it, but without all the calories stripped out! The presenting cause for the dehydrator was to make kale chips, as a friend who I knew loved them was coming through town. Perhaps this was easier because they were for someone else, but I put a lot more oil than when I made them last year (salt, pepper, balsamic vinegar, extra virgin olive oil). Since both last year and this, my oil-adding was by eye, that's an interesting by-eye measurement of how much less minimalist I've become. Even Phil thought these chips tasted good, and he loathes kale!

Before any of those things, since really I'm not obsessed with food, boys and girls, I had resumed daily beach hikes with Phil. This is a habit that was always good for us, and that had pretty much faded out to 2-3 times per week in the nadir of my overwork/health trouble vortex last winter/spring. So its resumption seems like an unqualified goodness. And my beloved rebounder (I always call it that, don't I?) came back out almost as soon as we were home. Hey, I'd forgotten how much that exercise uses your core muscles! I was super-sore right in the middle there for about two days. Impressed too by how fast the soreness went away.

Another sunny day today--we actually slept outside last night, in sleeping bags right on the edge of the bluff. Both of us slept better than for days. Almost time to head out for our hike in the sun and wind today. Speaking of which, as could be seen in my previous post, I do have the camera out and in hand again, but I've become somewhat loathe to post yet another picture of our raised beds, let alone of a green smoothie. There are often posts I write that don't have an obvious visual that isn't either redundant or hard to do. And yet, I like to have at least one picture in my posts. I've seen a lot of bloggers post several photos in a single post that clearly aren't their own--cartoons, fluffy kittens, and the like. And I never knew how to find such pics and feel a clear conscience that they weren't copyrighted. I have used a few pics in the past few months that fall into that category, but perhaps my poor sleep owes some of itself to that.

But here's a website I found, whose url handily declares its function. I think it'll help me a lot, so I wanted to share: http://www.stickyreaders.com/where-to-get-public-domain-or-free-images.html

Any thoughts or stories on your words and their consequences in a more intimate sphere?