So...Am I "Better"?

Sinking back into the bubble and bubbling awesomeness of the residency--how can it feel so familiar and comfortable when a whole year has passed since the last time? Welcoming the new cohort with equal delight to getting back together with my favorite people here, and getting to know better some other folks too; diving into workshops and classes: yes, we're getting into our writerly bubble, but it really is also a ferment of productivity and connection.

It's tempting just to submerge, immerse, forget and scar over my life experience of the past ten weeks. Additionally, my preference is generally to talk about things that pertain to more people than just to me. However, since family and friends are reading this blog and, no doubt, wondering; since there's a pretty horrendous price-tag attached to the experiences of the past ten weeks that places a burden of responsibility, I should briefly address the question: 

AM I BETTER?

Starting with the most superficial: I haven't weighed myself, but judging by how my clothes fit, I'm not a whole lot bigger than when I started at the Sandwich Academy, although that's still a very lot bigger than when I went to Foie Gras Farm. A bit smaller than I was at the residency last year, and some comments about that. I don't think this is a problem at all: my energy is great, my focus is good, I'm not obsessing or compulsing, my pulse stays steady if I sit up suddenly...everything feels good.

I carefully planned my raid on Whole Foods for when I arrived in Tacoma, scoping out which food items and non-food items I wanted to get, planning bus routes--all while still in Bellevue. I took the long bus ride and discovered that in Tacoma, "Whole Foods Market" is a tiny little hole in the wall 1980's-era healthfood store with a few ranks of supplements single file, and a few overpriced allergy-friendly products, some of which I bought out of sheer disappointment and mortification. There was a Fred Meyer close by too, but a ghetto Fred Meyer, half of the natural/allergy-friendly products of a normal one. Nonetheless, even with the smaller selection, I shopped.

I tell this story because it shows two significant ways in which I'm better. First off, I didn't totally freak out at the thwarting of my well-made plan. I did beat up on myself a bit for assuming that "Whole Foods Market" was the chain and not verifying it from their website, but I still went ahead and did my shopping as best I could under those circumstances, whereas many times before I'd have bought nothing out of sheer embarrassment and frustration. Second, and here's a way I'm likely considered "better": I bought products I'd never have dreamed of touching before these last ten weeks. Gluten free baked goods? Why yes. Whereas before I would read the ingredients list and find several reasons they were not 'healthy' enough or overly caloric, and would insist on buying only 'raw material' ingredients, which I then didn't eat; now, I've accepted that in situations like this, food that's easy both to eat and in terms of zero preparation are wise choices, even if they do contain some evaporated cane juice or safflower oil.

I'm better in the sense of keeping on my radar the need to be well fueled, and making plans to ensure that, even if I feel it's weird or awkward. So far, I've also avoided the burning the candle at both ends behavior that made the last residency so luminous but also so exhausting.

Best of all, a few people whom I trust have told me I don't seem to have lost my 'spark'. These stronger medications definitely allow me to be more even and less crazy, but I feared they might damp that spark down too, and was waiting to be around people who know me and can evaluate whether I'm 'altered'. This is a huge deal.

In summary, I'd say I'm not 100% cured and perfect, but who is? I am pretty sure I won't ever need to go back to treatment yet again: I've put a lot of thought into how to ensure I avoid that. I did meet some great people there whom I hope will continue to be my friends hereafter, but that's a very welcome side effect; not the stated goal of the exercise.

I'm still having some odd confusions--around the unmonitored bathrooms, the cafeteria sans latex gloves, the dinner buffets with no plate laid out showing the portion sizes in terms of grains and proteins, no mandate to plate the food wearing rubber gloves and display the plate to a monitor before proceeding; the ability to walk off down the hall without an escort and to sit in a workshop without suddenly being pulled out for a therapy appointment...These are welcome absences. People--these simple freedoms are so valuable!

Sound good? Any questions? If so, I'll edit to add...