Today I will share the recipes for the "small bites" I featured in my previous post. They're all really easy--they're basic put these ingredients in the food processor with the S-blade and process into a dough, chill a little, cut or break into pieces, done-type recipes.
But I will also share a bit more of the difficult time I'm having lately, which I hinted at in Monday's post without really going into detail. The HAWMC experience throughout April was very beneficial for me in encouraging me to write more about the hard, personal stuff. I've backed away from that a little since then because I haven't wanted to worry people. But it's been a process and a story since, and stories are always good.
"Exploring Options"--what I really meant
That's what I said we were doing on Monday. That was a euphemism for this: my Naturopath, my therapist, another doctor I started seeing, and my bloodwork all say I need to go away to a treatment center. I don't want to go. There are none in Alaska. It feels like I've spent this whole week on the phone exploring options, having doors closed. Getting myself into a space to accept one disruptive plan, only to be told that won't work, contemplating another, with the same result.
Our insurance won't cover "residential" treatment; only inpatient or outpatient. The program my therapist thinks is ideal has residential and outpatient only--great, so we explore outpatient and I get to keep some autonomy. My Naturopath (he who's had the most experience having me come into his office unslept/unmedicated/psychotic/crying/furious/otherwise noncompliant and crazed) thinks I shouldn't go outpatient, need to be in a more full-time, structured environment.
Add to that my gluten and dairy and soy allergies and non-meat-eating habitude, and many treatment centers won't even look at me. And what is up with that? A treatment center with a focus, among other things, on food issues, won't cater to patients with food allergies?
My Naturopath says treatment centers make it hard to get into them intentionally, so that the patient has to prove she wants to come in. Phil suggested it was just that they're inundated with people trying to get in, so they rule out whomever they can to narrow down the numbers. Since I don't want to come in, it's going to be tough for me to convince them that I do. Meanwhile, I continue not to believe that I'm in any physical danger, to push for agreement that I can stay here. And I continue not to get that.
But my Naturopath said something today that scared me. He warned me that this could start to affect my cognitive functioning and my writing. I already have some short-term memory lapses, which are not me at all, and I have to make sure to take my algae oil DHA capsules (disgusting though they taste) or my brain doesn't work. I have chest pain sometimes, and disorientating tinnitus, but both those can be chalked up to anxiety.
A friend was in the emergency room yesterday afternoon. Two other friends have had serious health scares recently. I was able to help out my friend in the ER, bring her necessities, take her home, take care of her, etc--does it sound like I'm a person in serious trouble? I don't think so. These people are having serious medical emergency issues, and folks are worried about me just because I lost a bit more weight than I intended to? I feel stupid and ashamed and self-indulgent and like I should have known better, like my damaged thyroid and other organs should have been a warning to know when to stop.
I still can't stop.
Small Bites--The Easy!
On a more cheerful note, I will share the recipe for the apricot kernel bites, with the strong suggestion not to use the apricot kernels but almonds instead!
Ingredients:
8 Apricot kernels (these made me sick--if you think they might make you sick, please use almonds instead!)
Scant half cup (33g) shredded coconut
Scant cup (270g) unsulphured dried apricots
1/4 cup (50g) carob powder
1/8 cup (25g) chia meal (chia seeds ground in coffee grinder or Vitamix)
1 tablespoon spirulina
1/3 cup (60g) dry dates
1 teaspoon almond extract
Process all into a dough. I processed the apricot kernels on their own, then added the apricots, then everything else.
If you cut into 30 pieces, they're 31 calories each.
I don't know what I'm going to do with these! How ironic that the first time I make myself some treats, they make me sick! And everything else in there is so good--spirulina/chia/carob is a wonderful combination. I'm afraid to give them to anyone else in case they have the same reaction as I do. But it might be just me.
Since I love dried apricots so much, I made another apricot-based 'bite' that might be even better. This one has protein from the hemp, mojo-boost from the maca, and a couple purple surprises.
1/4 cup (30g) hemp protein and fiber powder
scant 1/2 cup (33g) shredded coconut
1 T maca
1/3 cup (60g) dry dates
small handful hibiscus flowers, ground in a Vitamix or coffee grinder
small handful dulse, snipped into pieces
Process into a dough.
If you cut into 30 pieces, they're 24 calories each.
The slight hint of saltiness from the dulse and the tart almost citrusy flavor of the hibiscus are so special in here. You can't really see the little flecks of purple in the photo, but they make it very visually appealing too. I'm almost sorry I haven't given these a post of their own--they're quite special!
Finally, my take on Nicole's Fudgy Chocolate Chews
1 cup raisins
2 T chia meal
1 T carob
1 T cacao nibs
1 t spirulina
1 t coconut butter
In the food processor unto dough! This one's much wetter than the other two, so I spread the whole thing out flat and froze it for a bit, but ended up rolling into balls rather than cutting into pieces.
If you make 30 pieces out of it, they're 18 calories each.
And now, I need to go--a phone call from another treatment center, and I've almost effectively skipped lunch, so should do something about that...(And why am I making and taking all these calls when I so don't want to go?)
