Change a'Coming; OWNING the Biggest Paradox of All (my most important post this year)

The best titles say everything. A big change, a big move is a'coming for me; my key of intentions and seeking has found the lock that fits. I will share more soon, but for now, I must acknowledge that with the gift comes responsibility.

I've been talking a lot on here of late about paradoxical lessons; how two things that sound opposite are both applicable in what I've been learning lately about spiritual and business growth.

And meanwhile, perhaps unconsciously, I've been ducking the biggest paradox of all, alluding to it occasionally but with denial and unconsciousness.
Here it is:
I cannot produce more than I consume, or write books, or build a business--all of which are manifestations of the physical world--without a physical body!
There, I said it.
When I ask myself, as directed by both spiritual and business advisors, "What do I have to give?", the answer "Show how to be 80lbs and still able to shovel snow" is neither responsible, nor generous to myself or others, nor a meaningful contribution, nor--dare I say--is it playing my highest game, giving the best that I have to give.

So. I'm facing the prospect of a big road trip to a new home with gratitude and excitement.
And I'm owning and acknowledging that a migration of physical body and worldly possessions requires a well-maintained body as well as a well-maintained vehicle.
Even more important: I'm owning and acknowledging that just saying this isn't enough--like the African proverb, "Pray, but while you're praying, move your feet," I'm acknowledging, and I'm taking action.

I'll share more details soon, but I wanted to put this intention out to vibrate in the universe asap.
Please cheer for me!!!

Writerly Goals, Body Image, Clothing Size as Arbiter?

I mentioned in my last post that I had some body image-related issues on my mind and wanted to share. Here goes: it has to do with the whole area of goal-setting, self confidence, and my intentions for myself as a writer.

For most of my emaciated 20's, I was a small size zero, or less, and for the more functional parts of that time, I never even thought about clothing size. I was able to keep the body image demons in check through appeal to the undeniable objective fact that I was tiny. For the last four years, after my deliberate and masochistic weight gain, disordered and partial weight loss, and the beginnings of dealing with a consequent damaged thyroid, adrenals and reproductive system, I've been bigger than has been comfortable for me, and have felt relatively helpless to do anything about it, especially when I couldn't exercise at all.

Last year around May, I started being able to work out again, and have done so, strenuously and consistently. Last year too, although I was constantly dieting one way or another (it's the only way I know to eat), all the diets shared the philosophy of eating to appetite, albeit restricting something or another, with the plan that this would send thyroid function and metabolism into supercharge. Well, last November I had to have my thyroid dosage increased, so obviously that didn't work. And a month earlier, I lamented my apparent lack of succes in body composition improvements on here.

I realized that I needed to be successful in achieving my body composition goals, because otherwise I can have no confidence in my success as a writer. If I can't make the body I live in OK to me (and no, acceptance of it as it was was not an option), then how can I expect to send my work out into the world and have it received as I intend? It seemed like a gap in integrity.

A couple months ago, I set the small goal that I should be able to wear size 2 jeans by the end of February (I was wearing 4's), and have been working on it through both diet and exercise. That seemed reasonable, measurable (I don't use a scale) and not excessive in terms of being likely to trigger a relapse. It seemed to go well, and the universe was moving with me, apparently, as my appetite has been virtually nothing during this time. Now here's where it gets really interesting. We went to our favorite boutique, Value Village, when we were in Anchorage this week, and I thought it was time to grab a pair of size 2 jeans to measure my progress and have ready for a month from now. I tried on several pairs--and they all fit, comfortably, not at all tight--except for one that was too big and turned out to be a 3.

Part of me wanted to be delighted--made goal, and a month early at that. But another part of me was immediately second-guessing. I never tried to get into 2's before I started this. I always needed a belt for my 4's. I seem to have an awful lot of fat on me still for someone wearing size 2, although honestly I can definitely see a difference from three months ago. But maybe I could have worn these jeans before I even started?

Could I have been at goal without changing anything? And where should I go from here? The writerly part of me that needed this success still needs success and change body-wise. But have I gone far enough already to satisfy that, or do I need to go further?

Whatever I conclude about what I'm trying to do with my body and how far to continue, the size 2 jeans were my message to myself that I can "do it" as a writer, the impetus I needed to impel me into giving full, serious, reverent, confident attention to doing whatever it takes to be a successful, engaged, significant writer and poet. And I'm wearing those jeans right now, roomy enough for long johns underneath, so there can be no more delay or excuse.

As that t-shirt Tia sent me says, "here comes trouble"--and man, what a different season that pic was taken in!

Do you ever conflate goals like this, so that achieving one has implications for another? Curious for any feedback on this.

Directions--Translating the Dictionary Into Poems, Consistency, and About that Cake

Often, after I write something, its cadences and sentences will run through my head for some time. I lie awake at night tinkering with lines of poems and making sure my changes are committed to memory so I can write them down in the morning. After publishing a blog post, I often go back and add a sentence here, adjust a sentence there, several times over. This time, I realized that my "Goals and Intentions" post of yesterday left enough things unspecific to merit another post. The spirit of my goal for 2011 putting in an appearance, perhaps: the spirit of paying attention, revising, reviewing.

I'm not about to give up paying attention, revising, reviewing because it's 2012! And that's the major point I feel I need to make: my goals, both in the rest of life and on the blog, are for more, better, deeper of the same general directions rather than branching off into something surprising and new.

James Altucher's blog today has a wonderful graphic illustrating the concept of "focus." Seriously, check it out: I'm a non-visual person and even I was struck by it! All these psychedelic circles appear to be in constant motion, until you focus on the black point at the center, at which point, all becomes still.
I take this not as a message simply to tune out the black dots, but in fact, to find ways to integrate the distractions into the points of focus, perhaps even use them as bridges to connect the dots. For example, in some ways, teaching Linguistics 101 feels like something of a distraction in my goal of becoming the best writer I can be. But on the other hand, as I spend all this time preparing the course, I find myself constantly using examples from poetry, or thinking how a topic in theoretical Linguistics is interesting from the poetic standpoint. I'm going to need to get better and better at written communication, since it's a web-based course, and at "knowing my audience" and giving them what they need. In that way, the moving circles are centered around the "point" and contribute to it.

Similarly, for one of my other jobs, I translate dictionary entries from Italian into English, referring to Ancient Greek. I adore this job. I adore it because it has me working right there in the guts of language, and also constantly dipping into fragments of Greek Literature for examples. I want to do more in my own poetry in terms of bringing in themes from Classical Literature, and I'm endlessly fascinated by words. So, another "interconnection between points" is that one of the first poem drafts I've been working on is a meditation on the concept of "equal" (a very complex adjective I translated a while back) interwoven with the story of Sisyphus. I don't even have a complete first draft yet, but it's one of those that keeps me awake at night.

I do best when I don't lie awake all night, though, and I think I blew off the "consistency" concept a bit last time. I do have some resistance to it, and mostly because I'm afraid of losing my crazed flair or something, but even if my sole motivation is being a better writer, I have to admit that I'm not much of a writer when I'm psychotic or suicidal, and that consistency in certain areas helps me to avoid spending too much time in either of those places.

And on the theme of continuity, as Mindy pointed out, my series posting "food as pleasure" has kind of fallen by the wayside, but is not totally forgotten. That cake I made on New Year's Eve was supposed to fall under that rubric, so I should say more about it in the near future too. A hint: zucchini!

I mentioned feeling less "connected" to food writing of late. It's partly because, although I was commissioned to make food several times last year, it's getting on for four years since I actually worked as a chef! How time passes!

But nonetheless, when I made my smoothie this lunchtime, I caught myself composing a post, or several, about how smoothies are so much more than the sum of their parts, how you can pretty much make a smoothie version of your favorite "anything," and other enthusiastic tidbits.

So, building on last year and aiming to do everything better, and to use the psychedelic circles to join the dots--that gives a fuller picture of what's to come. "A new day's never a blank page..."
How are you building on last year?