More important, I've been very much by myself. Not completely alone, with writers' groups, meet-ups, appointments, chores and errands, etc. But by myself. On my own cognizance. And you know what?
It feels so good!
Phil is still in Tucson, until the end of the month, and is likewise having a great time. I'll be up here through the end of March.
I've been writing and working and writing and pulling things buried in my notebook out like pieces of worked rock from an archaeological dig, finding that I can now move forward with the myriad blocked drafts. Well, maybe they were blocking a draft, and now the wind is in a different corner!
More on the draft and the different corner later.
For now, gratitude, with caution. It is such a joy to be writing. It is such a joy to be in what is mostly a very low-stress situation. Yes, this house's driveway, sheer and straight with a hairpin at the top, is notorious, and has been especially challenging with all the recent snow. But it got plowed and sanded this morning after I called for help--there is help at hand. And with my competent car, I got in and out over and over, my anxiety and stress about it diminishing every time. And yes, the dogs are demanding and one of them whines and sometimes yaps in the car, which drives me crazy and makes me scared for my driving...oh and my goodness, sends me back to carpools in grade school with one or another parent going ballistic over the noise we were making. Those parents' age now myself, I feel the role reversal with sickening clarity. But if you hike the dogs well in the morning, they're less demanding the rest of the day, and that even enjoins a welcome regular beach hike upon me.
But otherwise, the great majority of stressors are simply not present. Being alone most of the time feels restorative and agreeable, even if I'm not writing or working every moment.
And there's the caution (i.e. what happens when things get more stressful?), together with the observation that it's easy to ignore a problem in one area if you're feeling good in every other. Great thanks to ML for helping me with both those observations. And so, I have recommitted to a regular and adequate sleep schedule after a week or so of not sleeping much at all, in recognition that (a) I was simply getting exhausted and (b) much more of that and inevitably I'd start being crazy. And so, I am grabbing a hold of my physical self, puzzlement as that is. I haven't been "keeping it up" very well, through some sort of negligence; small differences being hard to see, they don't convince that it's necessary to do anything different. Plus, as I said, I feel so good--orders of magnitude better than other times I've left too much of myself behind. But the meds need something to ride on, and plumbing the limits of that in exploration would be a fool's errand; negligence would be criminal.
So, what remains? What gets left behind? The questions framed by a living space and situation familiar but utterly estranged from my normal home, with the possibility of moving even farther afield. And I've been talking for ages about changes to this blog. Writing, poetry, this blog remain, for sure--they might even be the foundation. Or the magic carpet. Seeking more outlets for my writing, submitting my work--those things fell by the wayside some when I got sick last year, but I've been solicited to write some book reviews (which I love to do) in a couple places, and am getting inspired to start submitting my creative work places again.
In the bigger picture, of what my persona, my life, my living situation is going to look like, of the depth of my relationships with the people closest to me here, how they are going to be...well, bigger picture, bigger questions! I'm feeling some urgency to demonstrate that I can manage by myself, with some fey ebullience in the "Of course I can" direction.
I've left so much between the lines in this post because I don't even know how to talk about a lot of this right now. Hopefully what I've left out won't be left behind. Feel free to ask me if you have questions--you know how willing I am to be frank one to one.
Meanwhile, of course I'm going to be fine, when I am sleeping in the master bedroom with this pile of pups...(and let it be noted--I've watched dogs (these and others) many times before, but this happens to be the first time they've decided to sleep with me, and I've been ok with it).
