What Remains, What Gets Left Behind

Hello everyone! Mornings here are becoming so light, and with some light still in the sky at 6pm, the sense of curfew, of having to hurry home, is eradicated. It's snowed us into black-and-white again this past week, but with the influx of light, the black and white are merely the poles upon which color plays.

I've been the dog-auntie for almost two weeks now, the denizen bedizening this beautiful big house--yes, I do feel gaudy and extravagant here! I've written about that before. 

More important, I've been very much by myself. Not completely alone, with writers' groups, meet-ups, appointments, chores and errands, etc. But by myself. On my own cognizance. And you know what? 
It feels so good!
Phil is still in Tucson, until the end of the month, and is likewise having a great time. I'll be up here through the end of March.
I've been writing and working and writing and pulling things buried in my notebook out like pieces of worked rock from an archaeological dig, finding that I can now move forward with the myriad blocked drafts. Well, maybe they were blocking a draft, and now the wind is in a different corner!
More on the draft and the different corner later.
For now, gratitude, with caution. It is such a joy to be writing. It is such a joy to be in what is mostly a very low-stress situation. Yes, this house's driveway, sheer and straight with a hairpin at the top, is notorious, and has been especially challenging with all the recent snow. But it got plowed and sanded this morning after I called for help--there is help at hand. And with my competent car, I got in and out over and over, my anxiety and stress about it diminishing every time. And yes, the dogs are demanding and one of them whines and sometimes yaps in the car, which drives me crazy and makes me scared for my driving...oh and my goodness, sends me back to carpools in grade school with one or another parent going ballistic over the noise we were making. Those parents' age now myself, I feel the role reversal with sickening clarity. But if you hike the dogs well in the morning, they're less demanding the rest of the day, and that even enjoins a welcome regular beach hike upon me.

But otherwise, the great majority of stressors are simply not present. Being alone most of the time feels restorative and agreeable, even if I'm not writing or working every moment.

And there's the caution (i.e. what happens when things get more stressful?), together with the observation that it's easy to ignore a problem in one area if you're feeling good in every other. Great thanks to ML for helping me with both those observations. And so, I have recommitted to a regular and adequate sleep schedule after a week or so of not sleeping much at all, in recognition that (a) I was simply getting exhausted and (b) much more of that and inevitably I'd start being crazy. And so, I am grabbing a hold of my physical self, puzzlement as that is. I haven't been "keeping it up" very well, through some sort of negligence; small differences being hard to see, they don't convince that it's necessary to do anything different. Plus, as I said, I feel so good--orders of magnitude better than other times I've left too much of myself behind. But the meds need something to ride on, and plumbing the limits of that in exploration would be a fool's errand; negligence would be criminal.

So, what remains? What gets left behind? The questions framed by a living space and situation familiar but utterly estranged from my normal home, with the possibility of moving even farther afield. And I've been talking for ages about changes to this blog. Writing, poetry, this blog remain, for sure--they might even be the foundation. Or the magic carpet. Seeking more outlets for my writing, submitting my work--those things fell by the wayside some when I got sick last year, but I've been solicited to write some book reviews (which I love to do) in a couple places, and am getting inspired to start submitting my creative work places again. 

In the bigger picture, of what my persona, my life, my living situation is going to look like, of the depth of my relationships with the people closest to me here, how they are going to be...well, bigger picture, bigger questions! I'm feeling some urgency to demonstrate that I can manage by myself, with some fey ebullience in the "Of course I can" direction.

I've left so much between the lines in this post because I don't even know how to talk about a lot of this right now. Hopefully what I've left out won't be left behind. Feel free to ask me if you have questions--you know how willing I am to be frank one to one.

Meanwhile, of course I'm going to be fine, when I am sleeping in the master bedroom with this pile of pups...(and let it be noted--I've watched dogs (these and others) many times before, but this happens to be the first time they've decided to sleep with me, and I've been ok with it).

Briefly stated...

...When the shit hits the fan hard enough, in sufficient quantities, the energything goes very quiet and calm.

Is this feeling of limpness resignation--stunned recrimination--or is it...relief?

Homeward, Still Not Home

We're back in Anchorage, but still not home.

My apprehensiveness about being home remains beyond tangible to salient. All the way back to Odysseus, arrivals home and settlings in are even less smooth than the sailing that preceded. I know there awaits a veritable Odyssey--unpacking and dealing with reams of paperwork from two treatment centers and a writing program, taking care of the garden where slugs will be going gangbusters, getting my linguistics course into shape for the start of term, preparing for my mum's visit, writing and reading lots like I can't wait to do... Oh, and taking seriously my appointments and therapy sessions and meds; preparing meals, and otherwise maintaining my physical/mental/emotional health. Meds notwithstanding, low blood sugar and/or sleep deprivation in the evenings do seem to see me reliably monsterfied, and despite all my work and effort on communication these past few months, there are certain conversational ruts Phil and I get into that lead nowhere good. Awareness is the key, may it be so.

Right now, we're distracted by Phil's patienthood. His elbow was first cracked on ice then bashed on an outboard motor then slammed on an alder limb as another alder he was ripping out kicked back (doing his version of resting the arm)...and the kibosh delivered with a massive crushing bodyslam by his largest younger brother playing kickball at the farm a couple days ago. Torn tendon and who knows what else; surgery required. Depending on what we learn an hour from now, we may head home this afternoon or might stay in Anchorage a day or two more.

I have driven a car again--very briefly. I have touched a stove--just barely. I have done a few things for other people and, best of all, started to see our friends again. I still haven't taken a photograph or done any of normal-life things, but I'll be at one or other writers group within two weeks tops. I'll hope to post something about gardens and fresh produce next time.

The View From Here/Up For This Week

The View From Here

Happy Solstice, everyone! The sun is out today! We now have a camera, so internet connections permitting, I'm hoping to illustrate my posts more liberally at least some of the time.

We got our first harvest from our garden yesterday! It's still astonishing to me how quickly stuff grows here considering what a late start it has to get. 

So lovely to curl fingers in the dirt in the raised beds and feel that it's warm in there!

And there I was hoping that the rest of this post would be a bunch of photos of our garden, etc. But whereas with every other camera that I've played with, I've just plugged it into the computer and downloaded the pictures, the computer doesn't seem to recognize this one at all. It did come with a software cd but I was really hoping to be able to use the native Mac software and not clutter up the hard drive with more software. The camera we got is a Canon PowerShot SD 1200 - a slightly older model because Phil felt that having a viewfinder was absolutely necessary and the newer ones don't. Plus, his brother is a professional photographer and won't use anything except Canons or Nikons.  I was pretty sold on the Panasonic Lumix for about the same price - would have adored that 8x zoom - but have to agree that the viewfinder is important. What do other folks have as a camera? Powershot owners: is there something about them that necessitates the special software? 

At any rate, I hope to have pictures up soon.

Up For This Week

Like many people whose blogs I follow, I'm reconciling myself to the realization that I probably can't blog every day at the moment. Not having an internet connection means that even if I do write a post, it doesn't mean that I can automatically get online and put it up. 

My desire to make more room for writing and to take that whole part of life seriously and make it important means that I'm going to have to sacrifice some trips to town, and other things. The garden has an endless amount of work that it would like to have done. 

The State of Alaska is providing an incentive for homeowners to insulate their homes and make them more energy-efficient, by offering to pay for the materials and labor. There is a limited time-window in which this needs to be done. Phil set this in motion for our cabin some time ago and we're coming down toward the deadline. So yesterday, I spent the morning caulking windows. I carved out a little time to work on poetry and felt so much better as a result, but checking email and blogging had to be postponed. 

And it's pretty clear that I need to get a more regular income stream going, so I need to put some time and effort into identifying and securing that.

That said, I want to make sure that I'm posting here at least three times a week. This week, I'll do some more photo posts of all the amazing plants that jump up when they get the chance. Another wordstalk. Possibly another book review. And another 'theme and variations' post, although I may have covered most of the possibilities by now. A product review, and maybe something on our new camera. Ok, I might not get all of this done!

I'm putting my request out there to the universe for any tips on keeping the relationship 'ship' afloat when there's a lot of changes underway and a lot of work to be done. It's one of the most important things in my life and at the moment my heart is very heavy - things are not going well. I would also love and gratefully accept any advice and input on activating income streams, whether it's using the internet for passive income or bringing my special (writing/editing/translating) skills to the notice of the right person. Please - I'd be so grateful. And I wish for everyone a beautiful, sun-filled week.

On the Other Side of the Glass/Different Perspectives on (your partner's) Detox/'Why do you need your Strength?'

I am going to lay out the different perspectives that Phil and I are experiencing on my current detox. I really hope that when I do this, I will receive help from the universe and also that it will be helpful for others to read.

I sincerely believe that Phil is concerned because he loves me, cares for me and wants the best for me: let that be said before anything else.

Phil sees that I went through a phase of expansiveness and permissiveness, allowed myself all kinds of things, and have now 'cut back' and thereby have reverted to my lifelong trap of austerity and renunciation, getting a reverse kick out of depriving myself and giving stuff up.

I see that I tried all of those everyday foods and felt unsatiated, crazy, in pain, bloated, and that all of those feelings increased that very deprivation tendency. Conversely, going back to raw foods happened 'by accident:' I never set a resolution or intention to do it: in fact, for over a year I hadn't even allowed myself to think  about it because I didn't think it fitted with Phil's lifestyle. Thus, I see it not as a 'cutting back' or a renunciation, but as finally, for once in my life, listening to my body! Not deprivation, but high-grading.

Phil sees that I have lost quite a bit of weight, and that I have days of intense fatigue and exhaustion, as well as a tendency toward anxiety. He knows that I'm a person who almost died of anorexia and still has body image issues. He thinks that I'm starving myself and wasting my muscles and nerves, hence jumpiness, and that I'm not going to be in shape for all the manic summer adventures.

I see that I am cleansing and detoxing, and really allowing myself the space and time to let that happen, really experiencing the concomitant exhaustion. Last week, I allowed my workload to pile up a little too much and got very anxious: I remind myself that deep cleansing really takes a lot of the body's energy and, in order to be strong in the long term, I have to let myself be weak now. However, I do also acknowledge that I've lost more weight than I expected to (without trying to at all), and think that this is hilariously ironic after those months last summer when I was trying to make myself live on fish and cottage cheese and spinach, _starving_ all the time and not seeming to lose weight very fast. At the moment, I feel very satiated for the most part. Phil compared my claim of satiation to the situation of the deer on Kodiak Island, who come down to the shore in the wintertime and fill their bellies with the seaweed, and have full bellies but end up starving to death. I have to disagree on that - even in this weak, cleansing mode, the contrast between my current satiation and the crazy craving feeling I was having before is just magical.

But Phil does have a point, and I need to confess to noticing that my avocado portion sizes have progressively shrunk, as have those of all the other more substantial foods I eat. His observation that I have a tendency to 'do without' if I can is a true one. When I was below 100lbs (which was for most of my 20s and up to age 31), it's true that I couldn't  ever seem to build stamina or muscle, frenetically active though I was and try though I might. I'm getting toward that point again and would prefer not to have to put myself in the position of 'needing to gain weight' because that is so triggering for me psychologically. 

For myself, I have to accept that this may happen before I'm through cleansing, and that it's going to occasion some alarm for my poor husband.

Phil sees that I'm depriving myself of treats, which he thinks everyone should have more of, and also of connection with other people through the shared pleasure.

I see that it's true that I had some fun eating chocolate (I even tried a bite of milk chocolate (bleck) - Phil is a snickers fiend) and drinking alcohol with friends, but look at the yeasty beasty consequences! I have to be glad for Phil that candy gives him so much pleasure and I have to believe that that being the case, trans fats notwithstanding, it won't do him harm (but this is so hard for me). But for me, the pleasure of the chocolate and alcohol was never simple, pure pleasure. I could always either feel negative reactions impending in my body or taste the underlying crappiness of the food. I can't let Phil kiss me when he's been eating peanut M&M's - it just smells so awful to me.

So, once again, he's right: the danger of my feeling cut off and judgmental is enormous. But I don't need to feel cut off because of the choices I make in order to feel my best! The judgment part is mostly based on fear, because I know how sick that stuff makes me feel and don't want it to be killing my loved ones slowly. But ever since I was a little kid and would throw up all day if I ate a breadcrumb, whereas all the other kids could eat plenty of bread without problems, I have had to acknowledge that the same food can act very differently in different bodies. Once again, I have to suspend judgment.

'Why Do You Want Your Strength Back?'

Last fall, as my strength went down and down and down, and I was feeling somewhat depressed and frustrated about it, one day a voice said to me that before I could have my strength back, I would need to achieve clarity about what I wanted it for. I've crashed and burned a few times before in my life after being super-active in someone else's rhythm. I'm not going to be allowed to repeat that cycle again.

This debate with Phil makes that question even more urgent, and also suggests some answers. Do these sound like some good things for which to want my strength back?

I want my strength back so that I can stay in my own integrity.

I want my strength back so that I can be flexible and accepting of others.

I want my strength back so that I have abundant energy to take care of my own needs, including treats, as well as cooking and baking for my family.

I want my strength back so that I can enjoy my relationship with Phil.

I want my strength back so that I can explore the out-of-doors, even in this harsh climate.

I want my strength back so that I can share of myself fully, both in person and through my writing.

I want my strength back so that I can fully relax!

Both of us are very open to advice - words of wisdom will be listened to and appreciated.