Just wanted to check in with some follow up thoughts on body image and writerly goals. I'm so grateful for the sensitive and smart comments on my post about this last week. I'm also aware that I was kind of belligerent about my unwillingness to "compromise" or to accept things just as they are. And it's true: I am belligerent and defiant about this, and I recognize that that may seem a ridiculous denial of my true lack of control, and/or that it might be triggering to someone.
With that in mind, and always in the interests of ulterior harmony, balance, I offer these few thoughts to counter my own obduracy.
1) Several people have pointed this one out to me, but perhaps my own mom is the person who expressed it best: Be aware of how you appear to other people. It's so easy to get caught up in our own insecurities and inadequacies, but if we look out beyond ourselves, there are all these other people in our lives, of all different shapes and sizes. We're not in competition to be thinner than them, nor to be a better writer--one of the things I most adore about being a writer is that I always cheer on my fellow writers and really feel far more pride in their achievements than I ever feel envy. We are all co-creating one another! If I think of how I can be a part of my community, be that writing group, family, the people I'm teaching in a class, or any other group of people, and if I think of how my role and persona are perceived from the other side of my own head, I'm likely to see a different person--a valued person.
2) I might think that I can control my body by micro-managing what goes into it, but unless I grow all my own food from scratch and create my own water, I can't do that! I don't know what pesticide residues are on my produce that might affect my hormones. I don't know what low-percentage ingredient in my protein powder might upset my stomach. I don't know what the cellular constituency of my cracked-cell-wall chlorella is, or what bugs culture my kim chee. Even if I grow sprouts in a jar, I don't know what is growing on them, invisible to me! As for water, if I use city water, I'm facing chlorine and fluorine that can mess with endocrines and gut bacteria, as well as traces of prescription drugs and other chemicals. If I go for spring water, I'm opening myself up to whatever bugs all the animals upstream pooped into it (Phil had giardia just a few months ago from spring water).
3) Remember that in the Ancient Egyptian afterlife, it wasn't the weight of your body that was held in the balance against the feathers: it was the heart. And that's worth remembering as part of a writing practice, too.
that was lovely. the bit about the heart is something to dwell on. and what your mom said is very interesting. i was talking to a friend of mine over the net about the distinction between soul and spirit (he was trying to explain it to me) and I came across this thought - I am not who appear to be, me and my avatars on the internet, reflected in my work, in the content I share - they are all "curated" to appear like something, but that isn't me. who am i? i am the one perceiving at this moment, moment to moment appearing and dissapearing. a sustained awareness of who "I am" is too difficult. as human animals we need boundaries, separation, distinctions to survive. our need for control stems from this survival instinct, when we can see it as a biological reflex we can relax a bit more and enjoy the liberties of our conscious (perhaps spiritual) selves. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, it helps to think about how we appear to others but in a way for us to detach and not attach to "appearances" and feel consolation in the fact that we are not "finished" beings, we are constantly creating and co-creating as you put it :)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Katerina--I can't believe I didn't respond to this sooner!
DeleteI love your use of the word "curated" for the appearances with which you manifest yourself. Love the idea that we can continually create and co-create.
love
Ela
Be aware of how you appear, sure, but I also appreciate that you were willing to share thoughts that you knew others may not also have and be honest and open about them in order to grow. It is not good to stuff ones true thoughts or personality inside in order to fit in or up to a certain standard.
ReplyDeleteI too worry about all those things you mentioned about food and so forth. It's hard when your mind works overtime like that. I hope in time you can learn to loosen up and relax about it and I will try too.
Thanks so much for your understanding, bitt--we can encourage each other to loosen up ;)
DeleteSorry I'm responding to this so late--don't know how I missed this entire post...
love
Ela
I didn't comment on the post you're following up on because it just wasn't one that I felt I could be objective enough about. Striving for the size two, though I respect completely your right to set your own goals, just didn't feel like something I could celebrate/advocate the way I think you'd want me to as a friend, if only because I myself find that kind of language/goal-making triggering. However, I do want to comment on your follow up, which I think is exquisite. It's actually one of my favorite posts you've written.
ReplyDeleteI know well that simply becoming out of touch with one's body -- impervious to its size or shape -- is not typically an effective way to find peace as a person with an ED history. So I'd never tell you that. I'd only tell you to refer to this post, your own words, every time you find yourself trying to squeeze into a size, a food philosophy, a goal that feels unrealistic, or too narrow.
Gena--thank you, and thank you. I have gone through some agonizing since publishing the original post, precisely because I feared it might be triggering for some, and I'm still not at all sure it was the right thing to do.
DeleteI know my husband is very concerned about the games I'm playing through at the moment--and confused by his own mixed reactions to how my body changes. I know I'm "playing with fire," as my therapist put it, but I'm sincerely trying to maintain some objective oversight with the whole issue.
Thank you again.
love
Ela