I'm back! I was here all along! Integrity, or Selfishness?

And at http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=705

So, I moved to Arizona and vanished! I stopped answering emails and letters, failed to send promised letters, disappeared from Facebook. Sometimes I didn't process a paycheck or overlooked a check in the mail because I simply didn't have time to attend to anything.
But wait--wasn't I supposed to be moving on to the next, better, more empowered, sunnier phase of my life?

Well, yes, I was. And those solar panels augured a return to low-impact, conscious living, as in my Hawaii days. As Phil pointed out--and he met me in Hawaii and happened to be in AZ right when I arrived--it also augured a return to working extremely hard for other people, as I did there, so that I'd never feel satisfied with the work, inevitably small contribution to neverending chores, and would also never have the energy to do my own creative work. That Phil, love him. He has quite the habit of being right.
I always want to be of great service when I'm of service. And there is always more to do. When I first showed up, I worked all hours on the farm. I got better at guarding "my own" time but only because my work obligations mounted and mounted.
And sometimes the chores are tedious, sometimes stinky, and then there was the "attack rooster" storyline which was probably the last anyone heard of me on Facebook.
And these feed sacks. They're 50lbs...

...if you know how small I am, you can imagine that deadlifting them from an obstacle-strewn floor and humping them out the door, maybe half a dozen on a heavy (pun intended) day, would be wearying.

Meanwhile I took on an editing client here in town who likes my work very much, and it was RWW-thesis-proofreading season, and my dictionary job stepped up the pace too. This is not an excuse but an explanation of my disappearance. 

I'm back! I had to pull myself back! All the times I've spoken of the "unmilked cow" feeling from not writing...after this six weeks or so of overwork plus physical chores I'm beyond unmilked cow maybe into worn-out leather territory! Worn-out leather that holds a stiff shape only tangentially connected to how it used to look. And it's funny how "lack of writing" is both a symptom and a result of failure of self care.

Once I'd gotten clear that things had to change--and THANK YOU, my friends whose advice I asked, all of whom unanimously counseled me to reclaim my life and move--I meditated and imagined what sort of a home I'd like to live in. A small, but spacious self-contained house. Ground outside for growing things. Set back from the road but not behind a gate. A certain price range I had in mind. And I kept an eye on Craigslist. And uncannily soon, I found it!

More pictures soon when I give you the tour, but this was the bare-bones walk through. A little house (half of a duplex) with separate bedroom/main room/bathroom/kitchen--I've never had such expansion in my whole life before! A big yard in the back, too. I know this isn't exactly a great time of year to start gardening in Tucson (it's been well over 100 degrees the last several days) but plenty of time, right? Having a whole inside-of-a-house to furnish and organize just as I please is its own kind of gardening.

I even like that it's nondescript on the outside. Sacred space. Sacred space has been my main intention.
I worked chickens through the end of the month save a four-day trip to Pittsburgh to work on a book. Returned from Pittsburgh, did some final chores, moved!

I've spent three nights here so far, not entirely unpacked, and I have such a good feeling about it.
I struggled with intense guilt about letting down the chicken farmers, being a flake, being selfish, not keeping my word. But I also know with deep knowing that I have done the right thing for myself, without even going into the terrible self-care habits I was sinking into in that situation, and this selfishness means that I have a better chance of being able to give more. To write to my friends and on my blog, for example! 

It is good to be back.

Integrity Again, and Surrender (but not what you think)

Phil is in Vegas whooping it up with his grandkids. Such a good thing for both sides! He is the funnest grampa imaginable, and it must be so good for him to be held in a space of such simple adoration; to be able to have straightforward fun, lots of laughter.

I'm staying home doing my best. Enjoying the quiet time, clear, deep-cold days, the sunrises and sets, visits with friends who are accepting, gracious, topplingly kind. Working on critical papers, writing, being ok with residual messiness and my fatigue-induced apathy toward it.
After my last appointment, I'm acknowledging that even after I get out of the chasm, there'll be climbing to do.
Which brings me back to integrity.
I was well short of the 'ultimatum' goal even after chugging a gallon of liquid, and since doing that makes a person pretty sick, if it doesn't get you there anyway, seems to be less point (or, point-less). Integrity is wholeness, right? So adding a gallon, or eight pounds, to myself is adding something not truly part of my integral whole, which is just as much out of integrity as if I were to take something away from my wholeness, like if I claimed not to know Latin or Greek.
Water-loading has always seemed such an easy fix, but it's only ever "worked" "partly," and there are times it's made me sick, or simply been implausible because I've miscalculated.
Now that I've (been forced to) come clean with my doctor and therapist; now that it's clear I won't be able to make the 'ultimatum' even if I drink enough to make myself sick; even if I gain for real the safe amount of weight in the time remaining, I'm in a space of surrender. I don't mean the Twelve-Step, spiritual, beatific, state-of-grace surrender, with all chakras lit up and rainbows puffing incense. Wouldn't it be nice if I did mean that; if I had finally reached the point I've been told to aim at all these years?
No, guys. I've been besieged from the outside and ambushed from within. I'm waving the white flag. There are certain limits beyond which I'm not willing to go, certain things I'm not willing to give up, but I'm hardly in a position to bargain for terms, am I? At this point, 100% adherence is mandatory until my psych appointment next Friday, at which time we will discuss my fate. Additionally, I am to go in for a weight today, augmented only by being an afternoon weight rather than first thing morning, with no extra liquid to strain (to stain) my integrity.
Ridiculous, eh, all this focus on my weight. It's all a matter of perspective. See my little pet parsley, a tree in the sunset?

A Happy Thanksgiving to all, in integrity.

On Integrity (Part 2) -- Word-playing, Coconut Cream Again

In my previous post, I requested your indulgence in allowing me to explain my circle picture in the context of integrity.
You know I love words and etymologies, right? Promise not to be bored if I play with them for a bit?

Entire=Intact=Integrity. 

Yes. "Entire" comes into English via French, but all three words come from the same Latin roots. "Intact" has the closest meaning to the literal Latin--Untouched.

So, "Entire" comes from a root meaning "Untouched," and so does "Integrity."

How does that work? Interesting to consider that entirety--a sum total--and integrity--a moral characteristic--could be the same kind of thing.

Try this on for size:

Something can be Entire because it is untouched--nothing has been taken away from it. Also, nothing has been added to it. Both kinds of 'touching' are relevant--subtraction and addition--if you put too many pencils in the pot, you might break the pot (or the pencil), or warp its shape. Entire means not too much, as well as not too little.

Someone can be in Integrity because their intent/affect/character is untouched--unmoved by circumstances, concepts, intentions. Perhaps it's a case of entire congruence between a person's attitude and that of external circumstances. Perhaps, Integrity is a kind of wholeness. That's a good way for me to understand it, even without the etymological connection. Integrity is a kind of wholeness in the same way as Entirety: it's being untouched--no pieces missing, no extraneous pieces added.

Then I find myself moving to circles within circles, and some subversive thought patterns. Who says what elements make me whole? And of what whole am I, in turn, a part?

Is drinking all that coconut cream part of being in integrity, if I do it? Is it touching me by making me entire, or is it squishing me outward like the pencil pot?

Is drinking pints of extra liquid before weighing in part of being in integrity? Is it making me entire by allowing me to present the required weight? Or is it out of integrity because it's squishing me outward in a fictitious manner?

Are my intentions sufficient to define integrity? For example, does my intention to show the required weight on the scale by the end of the month so that I can stay on a vital medication mean that making up a lot of that weight with water is in integrity, given that I didn't state the intent to actually gain weight? 

At which level of existence is integrity defined? Microcosm--Am I out of integrity if I pull the skin off my fingers, 'touching' myself by removing parts of myself? Or are those parts unnecessary? What about brain cells that get wiped out by lack of glucose and fatty acids?

Macrocosm--does my presence, absence, alteration, or death affect the integrity of my family, my social circles, my MFA program, my employers? Does it make those groups incomplete? Or does it remove a small appendage, easily cauterized; symmetry easily restored with just a little shuffling? 

And--am I just a member of family, social groups, etc? Or am I also a member of the universe of the hallucinations? I'm in and out of their world all the time, but I don't see a lot of my friends and family every day either. Would they miss me? Do they need me to be there for integrity? Do I have to pick which universe I exist in, for integrity's sake? (Hallucinations get worse if you're in ketosis...Yes but they were pretty bad in treatment at times, being stuffed...)

I went from playing with words to speculation about the cosmic implications of those words and their meanings but that's all pretty abstract for a life and I'm starting to doubt that I make sense here. 

My naturopath had me sign a contract today that I would get all that coconut cream down, so as I start to find excuses not to do so and fudge around, as of course I've done already today, I will have a piece of paper as a prop to consider my integrity and impeccability of word. I already called him once to clarify a loophole I'd found. Phil said "Of course he didn't mean that" but getting the clarification rather than just using the loophole may have been an act of integrity.

Here, I stop. I had a clear idea of what I wanted to say, but clarity has fled today.
I even managed to close this window, thankfully without losing the entire post. Please bear with me. I continue working on being impeccable with my word.
Perhaps the magic word is that coconut cream and food will help me be better in integrity, in whichever universe I exist, however I am present.