I'm back! I was here all along! Integrity, or Selfishness?

And at http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=705

So, I moved to Arizona and vanished! I stopped answering emails and letters, failed to send promised letters, disappeared from Facebook. Sometimes I didn't process a paycheck or overlooked a check in the mail because I simply didn't have time to attend to anything.
But wait--wasn't I supposed to be moving on to the next, better, more empowered, sunnier phase of my life?

Well, yes, I was. And those solar panels augured a return to low-impact, conscious living, as in my Hawaii days. As Phil pointed out--and he met me in Hawaii and happened to be in AZ right when I arrived--it also augured a return to working extremely hard for other people, as I did there, so that I'd never feel satisfied with the work, inevitably small contribution to neverending chores, and would also never have the energy to do my own creative work. That Phil, love him. He has quite the habit of being right.
I always want to be of great service when I'm of service. And there is always more to do. When I first showed up, I worked all hours on the farm. I got better at guarding "my own" time but only because my work obligations mounted and mounted.
And sometimes the chores are tedious, sometimes stinky, and then there was the "attack rooster" storyline which was probably the last anyone heard of me on Facebook.
And these feed sacks. They're 50lbs...

...if you know how small I am, you can imagine that deadlifting them from an obstacle-strewn floor and humping them out the door, maybe half a dozen on a heavy (pun intended) day, would be wearying.

Meanwhile I took on an editing client here in town who likes my work very much, and it was RWW-thesis-proofreading season, and my dictionary job stepped up the pace too. This is not an excuse but an explanation of my disappearance. 

I'm back! I had to pull myself back! All the times I've spoken of the "unmilked cow" feeling from not writing...after this six weeks or so of overwork plus physical chores I'm beyond unmilked cow maybe into worn-out leather territory! Worn-out leather that holds a stiff shape only tangentially connected to how it used to look. And it's funny how "lack of writing" is both a symptom and a result of failure of self care.

Once I'd gotten clear that things had to change--and THANK YOU, my friends whose advice I asked, all of whom unanimously counseled me to reclaim my life and move--I meditated and imagined what sort of a home I'd like to live in. A small, but spacious self-contained house. Ground outside for growing things. Set back from the road but not behind a gate. A certain price range I had in mind. And I kept an eye on Craigslist. And uncannily soon, I found it!

More pictures soon when I give you the tour, but this was the bare-bones walk through. A little house (half of a duplex) with separate bedroom/main room/bathroom/kitchen--I've never had such expansion in my whole life before! A big yard in the back, too. I know this isn't exactly a great time of year to start gardening in Tucson (it's been well over 100 degrees the last several days) but plenty of time, right? Having a whole inside-of-a-house to furnish and organize just as I please is its own kind of gardening.

I even like that it's nondescript on the outside. Sacred space. Sacred space has been my main intention.
I worked chickens through the end of the month save a four-day trip to Pittsburgh to work on a book. Returned from Pittsburgh, did some final chores, moved!

I've spent three nights here so far, not entirely unpacked, and I have such a good feeling about it.
I struggled with intense guilt about letting down the chicken farmers, being a flake, being selfish, not keeping my word. But I also know with deep knowing that I have done the right thing for myself, without even going into the terrible self-care habits I was sinking into in that situation, and this selfishness means that I have a better chance of being able to give more. To write to my friends and on my blog, for example! 

It is good to be back.

MOVING--and FUEL

I'm MOVING! That much is obvious from the previous post. And I was naughty--I put a teaser on Facebook about having booked passage on the ferry. But where, when?
The "why" is well known. Living in Alaska has been an unscheduled blessing of opportunity; not one this chilly willy would ever have sought out. I am deeply grateful, but I'm not one of those who came eagerly to Alaska and could never imagine being based anywhere else. My intention when this house-sitting opportunity came to me was that at the end of it, I'd have a destination "Outside."

I'm heading to this country:

The outskirts of Tucson, AZ!
Yay for Israel-like warm weather, gardens and permaculture, a good university, writers, friends--and a lovely couple whose land I'll be living on and whose gardens and heritage poultry birds I'll help out with.

When I bought my car a year ago, I had the fantasy that I would drive away from AK, take the ferry down the Inside Passage, and onward to my new place. Here I come!
When I bought the car--my biggest ever investment in myself aside from going to school--I was also very clear, on this blog and elsewhere, that having a "good" car, ten years old as opposed to a beater, was a declaration of intent to be safe and sound, not marginal, and that the car should symbolize my own bodily vehicle.
My car was at the mechanic's today, getting mileage-appropriate work done, being thoroughly checked over, even little details like replacing the battery in the door opener taken care of.
When my car runs low on gas, I fill it up as soon as I can.

Why is it so much harder to refuel myself?
Guys, it is much harder than gassing up a car. If you leave a car underfueled, as far as I know it'll simply run better once fueled appropriately. When you underfuel a body, the stomach produces less acid because there's less call for it, and the pancreas and intestines produce fewer enzymes. Less stomach acid means nasty things are more likely to survive into the intestines, so infections are more likely. Without the enzymes, digestion doesn't happen smoothly If you're purging by whatever means it increases the chance of inflammation, which leads to water retention and even more dilute acids, and it can appear as if you gained weight fasted so you freak out because your body doesn't seem to be following the laws of physics. On top of all this, you're stressed. And you're probably eating really bizarre concoctions because of what your brain says is okay to eat. So when you do eat, it hurts, it's exhausting, it often leads to pain/gas/bloat; it often seems like too much to deal with, it doesn't feel good, it leads to behaviors that are physically painful and feel out of control.

Yes. All of the above.  But if I tell you that my low energy in recent months may well be largely due to my frequently not making the effort to eat, or getting rid of what I did eat, you would probably say, as they say in Israel, "Good morning, Eliyahu!"

I'm ready and excited to move, and the road trip is an adventure I can't wait to share on this blog. I'm already contacting old friends I may drive by, already eagerly anticipating catching up with some dear ones I haven't seen in years. And I love my car, and my shiny new atlas, and my ferry ticket--but they won't get me there--I need to be fueled and strong and stable. I OWN this! The last week has been better.

Now, consider the gates open. I welcome all your road trip anecdotes, advice, warnings, tales, "never do this"s, suggestions on packing/planning/shipping/how to say farewell to beloved friends here and to Homer that has been such a kind home to me these past few years.

Onward!

Getting Ready to Launch

The Northern Alaskan Inuit have a tradition colloquially called "blanket toss." A taut blanket of hides is stretched on a frame, which people support on all sides to send one 'dancer' high into the air. Over the past two weeks since I had that blood drawn, I first felt like my doctors and therapist pulled the rug out from under me. Then I realized I was a blanket-dancer with supporters and framework on one side of the blanket only, the other side drooping groundward. My drs and therapist were trying to pick up the blanket. The other side kept dropping: this place didn't take insurance, that place was all full up, the other place couldn't deal with my food allergies. I didn't want to go anyway, so I was laying on my rug, with the end of it picked up by my care providers, spilling. 


Over the past two days, the blanket has become all taut and supported, and the whole team is ready to toss me into the air.  A treatment center in Arizona with a very good reputation was willing to work with me. I had a good feeling from the extensive phone assessment. After evaluating my assessment, they called me back and encouraged me to come in as soon as possible, and they've been in regular contact with me since, giving further such encouragement. Apparently if inpatient treatment was the director's recommendation, they treat it as urgent, and they're sufficiently accustomed to dealing with people with this condition to know we're likely to drag our feet!


So, Alaska Airlines will launch me to Phoenix, AZ, next Tuesday night!


The original point of the blanket toss was scouting--the person flung high in the air was thus able to see much further than from the ground. Looking ahead has never been my strong suit, so perhaps I'm being tossed in the air by all these supporters to enable me to learn to make decisions moment to moment, day to day, that do not jeopardize my life and health.


I'm scared.


They've already told me they'll put me on stronger meds. I won't have access to friends and family, nor to my blog or email initially. I won't have access to all my superfoods and herbs, or my beloved rebounder and Vitamix. I should focus on enjoying all those to the full for the next three days as well as scrambling to wrap up all my work projects and notify project managers that I'll be slowed down for a while.


My Naturopath gave me a wonderful metaphor for handling all these inconveniences. He said to think of the forest and the trees. Yes, he might not think the meds they'll put me on are optimal for me. Yes, I might have to eat some food that he nor I consider good for me. Those are the trees. The forest is that he believes I need to go there to stay alive. So we'll cope with those details, which are, of course, temporary, when I get back.

So, just as the trees leaf and bud here, I'm heading south! I can't even begin to count what I'll be missing--the Writers' Conference here in town, which I look forward to all year. Visits from dear friends of ours. Gardening. My beloved writing groups and the wonderful people in them. 


Meanwhile, Arizona is much more the climate my body was made for...but I'm so used to wearing multiple layers all over my body, and I don't have any clothes for warm weather (not that any of my clothes fit anyway)! 


I will miss this blog and everyone with whom I connect through it. I'll try to post once more before I leave. I will update whenever I have the chance. If I have time, I'll even schedule a couple posts (like that protein powder comparison I keep promising!) to go up while I'm gone. But please, keep in touch with me! I will be slow to respond, but I will respond. I will also be able to do snail mail.
Much love.

2011 Retrospective

What an auspicious last day of the year! I've put in almost six hours on a very complex editing deadline, made a raw ginger spice cake on a total whim,

 worked out hard, shared some love vocally and over the internet, and I still have time to think back on this year, in blogging and otherwise, before we head up the hill to a New Year's celebration!

The biggest thing about this year for me has been the process of continuing to put my writing front and center in my life. I started my MFA at the Rainier Writing Workshop at PLU. I met some wonderful people there with whom I hope to be friends for life, and am working with a great mentor. I went to the Writers' Conference here in town again and met Rita Dove, Nickole Brown and other wonderful poets.
That link also tells the story of my participating in a poetry reading, starting out with the inadvertent slapstick of falling down the stairs!

Five of us here in town formed a poetry group. We meet twice a month, once to critique one another's poems, once to discuss a book we've read. It's an absolute lifeline.

I've written poems and cut them up into strips and put them back together in funky orders.

I acquired a tiny netbook on which to write and work wherever I go, and covered a notebook with inspirational quotations from teabag tags (that notebook is now long filled up).

I remind myself to ask the important questions...

...and I use my writing to make my gifts seem more familiar.

I've also repeatedly used my blog as a sounding board and a refuge to help me be a better version of myself. It provides accountability, feedback and visibility, as well as an impressive sweep of freedom.

Two very recent writerly things: I'm starting to submit my work! Which means I can start the process of receiving slews of rejections that will finally lead to acceptances!

And second, I mentioned yesterday this idea for a book that I've been obsessed with recently but too busy to implement, and I received more negative, skeptical or concerned comments than I ever have before for a creative endeavor. My sincerest thanks to you all for your care and consideration: I hear you. I don't quite know what to do with it yet, since I have so much energy behind the idea and have practically half written it already in my head, but the unanimity of the response makes me sit up and take notice.

A year ago, Phil had his eye surgery and we drove up to Anchorage every week for a month or two. We're not sorry to be skipping that this year, but we sure enjoyed the beauty of the drives.

We continue to hike in all weathers, and to appreciate the beauty both on the beach nearby...

...and right outside our cabin.

We disturbed wildlife in remote places not far from where we live. The sea otters seemed like they were 'in church' when we showed up.

And whereas last year, a gray whale washed up on our beach, this year we found a salmon shark.

We grew a big garden again. More than my weight in potatoes...

Some other beautiful roots...

And I added a dehydrator to my toolset and made lots of homegrown kale chips, although we agreed eventually that chard and beet green chips are much more delicious! 

Our horseradish came back gigantic from last year, and I made some amazing condiments with it. 

The dandelion wine I made two years ago matured to be smooth enough for prime time. Oh, and I had my first ever night as a blonde!

I continued my "witchly" ways, making tinctures and syrups...

...putting nettles in my smoothies...

Another thing I made during this gifting season was hops pillows. Hand-sewn (I don't even know how to use a sewing machine) and filled with hops blossoms and buckwheat groats.

I made eight of them for eight lovely ladies. I was surprised by how many of these recipients immediately reacted that it was a 'microwavable neck pillow,' when I thought of it as an eye pillow and think microwaves are the devil's work! I think that microwaving would volatilize the hops and take away their goodness, but people should enjoy their gifts however they would like.

We went to Arizona and helped David and Heather paint their ceilings, and enjoyed some gorgeous cactus hikes.

We went to Oregon for Phil's niece's wedding...

...hosted Phil's son and grandkids up here...

...and saw Phil's daughter Amy get married!

We got a decent-sized refrigerator...

...which precipitated our transformation of our little side room into a kitchen.

This was also the miraculous year that saw running--or at least walking--water come out of a faucet in our cabin! The pipe's only frozen twice so far, and we're impressed with how well our thousand-gallon tank is lasting us.

I'm so happy that I traveled all the way to Israel, renewed connections with all my lovely relatives, played in the kitchen with my grandmother...

...and hung out with my sweet mum!

 On the goodies front, my cashew-based cheesecakes were a hit. Especially the white chocolate-blueberry swirl...

 ...the chocolate-peanut butter one (requested many times)...

...the mint chocolate one (my birthday cake)...

...the coconut-lime (commissioned twice)...

...although my reduced-fat crustless version replacing cashews with cooked parsnip might have seemed strange to some!

My carrot-cardamom cookies are probably my personal favorite from this year.

And the holidays were a great opportunity to make some delightful experiments.

Healthwise, this has been an interesting year.

I got done with chelating and candida cleansing. My adrenals recovered to the point that around May, I began to be able to exercise intensely again. It's been such a pleasure to be able to enjoy moving my body, and to feel better about it as a result of (albeit agonizingly slow) improvements in body composition.

After a lifetime of shying away from any kind of medical oversight, I've continued to work with a Naturopath and a Therapist, working on supporting my deranged endocrine system and other things using mostly bioidentical hormones and herbs.

Although there have been definite improvements, several dosages have had to be increased this year. I don't know how much of that is just fluctuation and how much is a result of my continuing fluctuations in diet and stress levels.

Another thing that came to light this year was a diagnosis, or a label, for the rollercoaster experience of which I've so often described my life as consisting, and the challenge of accepting/rejecting/coming to terms with the label and the lifestyle behaviors and medications recommended to control it. It might even explain why I had an eating disorder for so long and why full recovery continues to be elusive.
Overall, these must all be good things: opportunities for growth, certainly.

I'm so grateful to this guy for being my anchor on the wild ride!

 And now this post is so long, probably no one is reading anymore!

Happy New Year to everyone! I'll be back either tomorrow or the next day with some thoughts and intentions for 2012.