Finding the Right Mentor to Fulfill Transformation

This blog has never been quite right. I've always been aware of it and the first to confess it. From the get-go, my intentions, although beautiful and good, were vague. Instead of focusing on one central "nobody youer than you" theme, I tried to give equal billing to the whole committee of interests that take up my attention. And then there were all the technical issues, magnified by my sense of helplessness around them. Some "blogger" blogs had automatic comment-response notification and others (mine included) didn't, for reasons beyond my understanding or ability to fix. For a while, I manually emailed comment responses to every commenter, but that wasn't sustainable. Even after commenting mostly migrated to Facebook or Google+, it remained a frustration.
I listened to all the advice about the superiority of self-hosted wordpress blogs, I got one, and so acquired all the technological challenges times two--the comment situation, if anything, was worse, and again I couldn't understand why mine sucked and others worked fine--and now there was the additional headache of a two-horse team and no clue how to pass the baton from one to the other. So, for the past year and a half, I've duplicated my blog posts between the two platforms while hoping to find someone to help me migrate and consolidate. Hoping, but probably not looking hard enough. In Homer, the person I wanted to teach me was unavailable, and although I'd blatantly failed to figure any of it out on my own and needed help, my imagination and resources didn't stretch beyond that one individual to look for someone else. 
As in the ether, so on earth: no doubt this dissaray and unclarity around my online presence well reflected a lack of real-life directedness also. I apologize to all my readers for eighteen months of unfulfilled promises that I would be making changes "soon."

When I moved to Tucson, I started attending the Tucson Bloggers Meetup group. I immediately noticed the bike in the corner beside the group host, and my interest was piqued--clearly a sustainability-oriented person. I was further drawn to his use of Google docs for his presentation: the fact that he modeled its use, and then at a suitable moment explained clearly and succinctly why Google docs is so useful and important as a tool for creating and sharing content. This presenter was also giving much of what I considered the best advice about blogging, including many things (like choosing a niche, like having a name that isn't an obscure mouthful (like "ulteriorharmony")) that I knew were necessary but had failed to implement, and/but he also had multiple examples of how he had created these things himself and helped others to do so, and he clearly had an insider's knowledge and understanding of how the web works. It also emerged that he has a musical background, as do I, and that not only is he a plant-based enthusiast, he actually heads up that Meetup group as well! Finally, there was a petition circulating the group asking for labeling of GMO foods, something (you won't be surprised to hear) that I consider a no-brainer. He wasn't the petition's circulator, which proved that he also attracted to a general bloggers' group the type of person with that type of conscience and sensibility.
If you were me, wouldn't you be thinking you'd found just the person you wanted to learn from?
Me too.
But--how busy do you suppose such a person might be?
Yep, pretty busy!
But--I was ready to invest, seriously, in getting things right. Earlier this year I invested disastrously in a business coaching program with a bunch of people I never saw, starting me from scratch at things I didn't necessarily care to do. If I learned anything from the loss of finance and time, it was to invest in something I knew I wanted, with the right person. I tracked down PABlo and articulated this to him, and he agreed not only to build my "real thing" website for me but also to teach me some of the principles and practices so that eventually I'll be able to manage my own blog and website properly, perhaps even help others to do so. He's teaching me how to situate the blog in the context of a website. How to categorize and tag correctly. How to set up a post.
He also taught me that duplicating my blog for the past eighteen months is a cardinal sin in the eyes of Google search: original content is the main desideratum (what a novel concept!) and I was automatically rendering my content unoriginal, aka shooting myself in the foot. So, this blog with its tricky name is effectively invisible, and you are reading a rare and translucent object.
This time, dear reader, I can make a promise of change-a-coming with confidence. The new, more sensible domain name is registered. I'm learning a new blogging platform and have several drafts queued. I have a highly proficient mentor and teacher, whose work and philosophy I admire, from whom I'm learning how to set up a blog effectively for excellence, and how not to cut some corners as I was inadvertently doing--how to give the reader the best possible experience.
I have so much to share with you, but I'm saving some for the new blog. I'm so eager to get that blog live, and therefore much of my attention's going in that direction, so please bear with me, and watch this space!

Come Sleep on My Couch!

And at: http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=707

I really mean it! Just getting back into my own rhythm here, and I wish to be conscious about my choices going forward so that I may live by my own rhythms rather than constantly be in reactive mode. I'm sure many of you can relate to how challenging it can be to hold that space. How ironic, having moved across the country off my own bat I've been feeling like a piece of modeling clay lately. I'm all for flexibility, but there needs to be a core.

Back to the couch--I'm just so thrilled to be able to offer "crash space" to visiting friends with comfort, expansiveness (nice big futon folds out), clean sheets.

As I work my way back into this online space and more of a regular program I look forward to easing in with more of the home tour. So, just south of the couch (sitting room/guest bedroom) is my office!

 At the time of the photo, the office was engulfed by some last-minute corrections for my dictionary job, hence unruly scraps of paper and the giant dictionary is on the middle shelf behind the office chair. As of today, there are books on the shelf.

It's been well over 100 degrees F (over 40 Celcius) ever since I got back from my work trip to Pittsburgh. Although I haven't spent that much time outside yet, alas, I have to confess: I am LOVING the heat! I've been running a small fan at my computer, and I do generally have the a/c on in my car, but I've only been turning on the swamp cooler in my house for a little while in the evenings, and sometimes not even that. The only uncomfortable thing, aside from other people's (especially businesses) too-cold a/c, is wearing fewer clothes. I'm so used to being shrouded and bundled, and walking around with actual skin above my wrists and ankles and below my neck is awkward.

Love, light, and warmth to everyone--and welcome to my home!

I'm back! I was here all along! Integrity, or Selfishness?

And at http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=705

So, I moved to Arizona and vanished! I stopped answering emails and letters, failed to send promised letters, disappeared from Facebook. Sometimes I didn't process a paycheck or overlooked a check in the mail because I simply didn't have time to attend to anything.
But wait--wasn't I supposed to be moving on to the next, better, more empowered, sunnier phase of my life?

Well, yes, I was. And those solar panels augured a return to low-impact, conscious living, as in my Hawaii days. As Phil pointed out--and he met me in Hawaii and happened to be in AZ right when I arrived--it also augured a return to working extremely hard for other people, as I did there, so that I'd never feel satisfied with the work, inevitably small contribution to neverending chores, and would also never have the energy to do my own creative work. That Phil, love him. He has quite the habit of being right.
I always want to be of great service when I'm of service. And there is always more to do. When I first showed up, I worked all hours on the farm. I got better at guarding "my own" time but only because my work obligations mounted and mounted.
And sometimes the chores are tedious, sometimes stinky, and then there was the "attack rooster" storyline which was probably the last anyone heard of me on Facebook.
And these feed sacks. They're 50lbs...

...if you know how small I am, you can imagine that deadlifting them from an obstacle-strewn floor and humping them out the door, maybe half a dozen on a heavy (pun intended) day, would be wearying.

Meanwhile I took on an editing client here in town who likes my work very much, and it was RWW-thesis-proofreading season, and my dictionary job stepped up the pace too. This is not an excuse but an explanation of my disappearance. 

I'm back! I had to pull myself back! All the times I've spoken of the "unmilked cow" feeling from not writing...after this six weeks or so of overwork plus physical chores I'm beyond unmilked cow maybe into worn-out leather territory! Worn-out leather that holds a stiff shape only tangentially connected to how it used to look. And it's funny how "lack of writing" is both a symptom and a result of failure of self care.

Once I'd gotten clear that things had to change--and THANK YOU, my friends whose advice I asked, all of whom unanimously counseled me to reclaim my life and move--I meditated and imagined what sort of a home I'd like to live in. A small, but spacious self-contained house. Ground outside for growing things. Set back from the road but not behind a gate. A certain price range I had in mind. And I kept an eye on Craigslist. And uncannily soon, I found it!

More pictures soon when I give you the tour, but this was the bare-bones walk through. A little house (half of a duplex) with separate bedroom/main room/bathroom/kitchen--I've never had such expansion in my whole life before! A big yard in the back, too. I know this isn't exactly a great time of year to start gardening in Tucson (it's been well over 100 degrees the last several days) but plenty of time, right? Having a whole inside-of-a-house to furnish and organize just as I please is its own kind of gardening.

I even like that it's nondescript on the outside. Sacred space. Sacred space has been my main intention.
I worked chickens through the end of the month save a four-day trip to Pittsburgh to work on a book. Returned from Pittsburgh, did some final chores, moved!

I've spent three nights here so far, not entirely unpacked, and I have such a good feeling about it.
I struggled with intense guilt about letting down the chicken farmers, being a flake, being selfish, not keeping my word. But I also know with deep knowing that I have done the right thing for myself, without even going into the terrible self-care habits I was sinking into in that situation, and this selfishness means that I have a better chance of being able to give more. To write to my friends and on my blog, for example! 

It is good to be back.

What Was I Saying By How Much I Fed The Chickens?

Also at http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=702

A couple days ago, I got called out for overfeeding the chickens. Slightly, the turkeys too.

The young chicks are so numerous and so voracious, there's no chance of overfeeding them--I'm hauling out a 50lb sack of their feed every other day, and every morning their bowls are picked clean.

But the feed is too expensive to have it ending up on the ground because the chickens not cleaning it up well due to abundance.
Ooh, way to chastise and chasten me! You all know how much I dislike waste. Chickens, with their ability to clean up, are patron saints of the blessed realization that there is no such thing as waste, so I could have blamed on myself pretty hard for making very-chickens wasteful! But I haven't been beating up on myself quite so much of late, since all that time on the road. Just like the "injuring the attack-rooster" incident (which I shared on Facebook and may tell in more detail here as things shape up), I'm recognizing that this is part of the learning curve. In fact, it's part of "knowing what you're looking at" once again--knowing how to gauge food consumption.

As I fed this morning, I was meditating on what feeding these chickens meant to me--why it was that I'd ended up overfeeding them. Turned out, my heuristic hadn't been "Chickens need x amount of food per day." Instead, it had been "I'm feeding someone else's chickens and I really want to show that I'm responsible and reliable." If there's visibly food in their feeders, the message is "I won't neglect your precious birds." In retrospect, I might have communicated my worth more appropriately by underfeeding: "I treat your expensive feed with respect."

I'm glad to have taken the metaphoring and nonverbal communicating out of the "how much feed will they eat?" equation. Who knew so much could be said with farm chores?

***Diving in in medias res*** I know it's been over two weeks since my last post, and that this is my first post from my new abode! The easiest way to break a hiatus is simply to dive into the middle of it, so, voilà. As I continue to ponder my "dual blog and what is the blog about anyway" existential challenge, though, it does occur to me that a continual thread of mine is investigation of metaphors, so I'm contemplating how that might be promoted and centralized.
Otherwise, here I am--what do you want to hear about?

Sending desert love!
Ela.