http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=719
I'm developing a conversation about who we are and how what we feed within us helps us be/become who we are; about the choice to eat or not to eat; about fasting and alternative sources of energy; about my own unique needs and how my explorations might pertain to others. And I'm talking about time vortices. All of it in the context of new to Tucson and new to having my own space.
But today I take a small interlude to mark the anniversary of the day I tried to end it all and ended up sticking around. That was a very, very different version of myself, in a dark place. This time last year I was waiting for a lot of blood, confused, liminal from a brief visit to the other side, probably somewhat relieved at bottom.
It's not something I speak of very much at all, and I haven't yet written about it concertedly either except right after the event, but that, I sense, is coming.
For now, this hot, peaceful day, I focus on gratitude that I am this new form of my old self, and that I am here.
I wore my healer's gold, which is actually green, perfect for me...
I welcomed the gift of affirmation cards by putting them up in the right places (I hope you ca read the affirmations on this mirror, itself a gift from Tom James).
I didn't return to life all changed and perfected--not in the least, to my disappointment at the time. We have to do our own work. My wise friend Janice, who's a mother, says "we all have to do our own push ups (and let our children do theirs)."
I'm now here to attest that a room of one's own can help with that. My bedroom isn't perfected yet, but here's how it looks now:
Yes, the bed is close enough to the ceiling that I hit my head sometimes. A good reminder that beds are for sleeping in, not living in! I'm going to get some glow in the dark strips for the lower beams. And some affirmations cards for the ceiling! You can see the rebounder, and the little desk where I have fun things like coloring pencils and mandalas, notebooks, pens, notecards to write to people, and a small selection of my favorite spiritual books to be rotated with those on the other shelves. There's also a walk-in closet and a huge bookshelf to the left of the photo.
There's a string of lights twined around the bed, and I got a red bulb for the lamp up in the bed area, since red light is supposed to be best for bedtime.
It's been almost part of my spirituality for so long to be able to lay my head down anywhere I was sent to. Creating an intentional space feels like a great affirmation of my continuing to choose life.
And at:
http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=709
I put my candles on my altar-windowsill, my north-facing bedroom window (my "spiritual growth" direction in Feng Shui), and left for the afternoon.
When I came home and entered the bedroom, I laughed out loud!
Here's a closeup of the left one. Dying swan, anyone? Or maybe a snake.
I'm loving how I run into unexpected differences, although this was, of course, entirely predictable (even facing north).
Before I moved in here, it was very clear to me that I wanted this to be a sacred space. I envisioned a quiet, beautiful, well-ordered space, tidier than some of my spaces have been, from which I could move forth into the world, and into which I could receive and welcome other people while protecting my own energy. An outer space to reflect and co-create my inner space.
That's what I'm creating. It's also an opportunity to learn things about myself. For example, that I don't necessarily want matching crockery!
There's somewhat of a theme to what I picked out, although the top right green-bordered white ones I bought because they are identical to some I bought in Homer, AK--in that case I got a kick out of matching. But the floral one on the right is an English china Wedgwood; I was channeling my mum when I picked it out. And the small squared glass saucer is something my English grandmother would have had.
The other side of sacred inward space, though, is going out into the world. Especially having been so busy recently, I realize I haven't done so much of that. Going out into the world requires some support, especially with some of the challenges I deal with. I've been resisting the urge to crowdsource my therapy by venting on my blog or bleating on Facebook. But I can see why my doctor was so concerned that I have care set up before I arrived here. I still don't. And in the recent stressful time my eating issues have driven me almost crazy. What I'm doing right now feels better to me but I know (because I told Phil about it, sorry Phil) that my friends would not think it's a good idea. That's all I'm going to say. I think I've talked inappropriately about such issues on this blog before, and I hope the fact that I'm consciously (and conscientiously) not doing so now, while admitting that there's an issue, will reassure people that things aren't so bad.
I am on my way to getting some care stuff set up. I'm excited to be part of a community (Facebook, virtual, actual, and all) where we all listen to and take care of each other, but not as a substitute for medical care. And I'm here to listen.
And at:
http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=707
I really mean it! Just getting back into my own rhythm here, and I wish to be conscious about my choices going forward so that I may live by my own rhythms rather than constantly be in reactive mode. I'm sure many of you can relate to how challenging it can be to hold that space. How ironic, having moved across the country off my own bat I've been feeling like a piece of modeling clay lately. I'm all for flexibility, but there needs to be a core.
Back to the couch--I'm just so thrilled to be able to offer "crash space" to visiting friends with comfort, expansiveness (nice big futon folds out), clean sheets.
As I work my way back into this online space and more of a regular program I look forward to easing in with more of the home tour. So, just south of the couch (sitting room/guest bedroom) is my office!
At the time of the photo, the office was engulfed by some last-minute corrections for my dictionary job, hence unruly scraps of paper and the giant dictionary is on the middle shelf behind the office chair. As of today, there are books on the shelf.
It's been well over 100 degrees F (over 40 Celcius) ever since I got back from my work trip to Pittsburgh. Although I haven't spent that much time outside yet, alas, I have to confess: I am LOVING the heat! I've been running a small fan at my computer, and I do generally have the a/c on in my car, but I've only been turning on the swamp cooler in my house for a little while in the evenings, and sometimes not even that. The only uncomfortable thing, aside from other people's (especially businesses) too-cold a/c, is wearing fewer clothes. I'm so used to being shrouded and bundled, and walking around with actual skin above my wrists and ankles and below my neck is awkward.
Love, light, and warmth to everyone--and welcome to my home!
