Tragedy, Time, and Coming Out the Other Side; Condolence Cupcakes

On Wednesday morning, our dear friend Tom was called with the terrible news that his son had died in his sleep. The first thing he did was call Phil, and Phil accompanied him to break the news to Jeanie and bring her home from work. Yesterday morning around 6.15, I drove Phil and Tom to the airport: zero degrees and whiteout, so much snow in the air, but the little plane took them up to Anchorage to catch the big plane down to Seattle, where they are now, taking care of things.

Needless to say, it's a huge loss and shock: a new spin on the world around which we all change our plans. Saving graces: both Tom and Jeanie had had upbeat phone conversations with Luke the night before, and knew he was in good spirits. And I don't know if this is a saving grace or not, but my read is that this actually happened a long time ago, that the way Tom and Jeanie have been living their life for some time already reflects it as fact. Which means, in a way, that he's still here. We all sense that.  Tom and Phil down in WA are meeting hordes of people who loved Luke, who were touched by his generous spirit. I've barely gotten to see Jeanie since they left, there's been such an overflow of support from all the many other people in this community who love Tom and Jeanie.

Tom is so glad to have Phil with him--and isn't it a compliment to Phil that he's the first person Tom thought of to call. Encomia of Phil are pouring in from all quarters at the moment, and I hope he hears them, and recognizes how appreciated he is by so many.

I haven't slept since we heard the news, but I think I will tonight. I watched it snow all day and all night yesterday, as I immersed myself in work and reading, and trying to write something...into this morning...

 Our "bunny fence" isn't worth much with the snow up above it. I shoveled.

I confess that the nonlinearity of timing this exhibited--my certainty that it happened long ago--sent me into a tailspin: if "a" doesn't follow "b," then it won't make any difference if I don't take my meds, or eat, or sleep, and do take pills I shouldn't take... Going nowhere good. But by some other incredible serendipity, the phone rang first thing this morning, and it was the Naturopath's office, about something else. They got me to come in, to get my chemistry set right again, talked me down from paranoia about time being all out of order...So grateful both to my ND himself and to his wonderful office manager. I didn't want it to be all about me. And now, although I don't feel great, I'm ok, and although I'm still puzzled about the time thing, I'm not totally freaked out. I still don't understand, but I'm more likely to be able to be there to support Phil now.

I made a simple dinner for all of us on Wednesday night, the day the news hit. Short notice and busy day, and I wanted to make something sweet to finish with. In this situation, the temptation is to make something overwhelmingly sugary that I wouldn't dream of eating myself, and I did make a batch of Phil's energy bars, which are protein powder, nuts, craisins, oats in a matrix of peanut butter and honey boiled together, partly to be journey food for them. But I decided I also wanted to serve something raw, light, delicious, beautiful, and gentle.
So I made these "Condolence Cupcakes:" they're inspired by Shannonmarie's Lemon Rawtess Cupcakes, although I made them mini and didn't put pretty frosting and piping on top.

3/4 cup cashews
3/4 cup unsweetened dried shredded coconut
pinch salt
zest of one lemon
Blend all these until fine.
Add:
1/3 cup date paste or finely chopped dates
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
Whisk in until well incorporated.
I ground the nuts with the "S" blade of the Cuisinart, but then, for incorporating the dates, I used the little "dough" blade, the plastic "S" shaped one that isn't sharp, to keep the texture fluffy. When it can be formed into a dough, fill the mini cupcake cups with little hollowed-out "cakes," reserving some 'dough' to top them.
For the filling, I used some frosting leftover from our Anniversary Carrot Cake (recipe is there).

Just a little blob of frosting in the hollowed-out cashew-coco-lemon 'dough' (like in the picture above), and then cover it with some reserved 'dough.'

It made about fifteen. And they were so well appreciated! Apparently some of them are in WA with Phil and Tom.
The lemon symbolizes the sadness, wrapped up in sweetness.

Today the snow finally stopped, and when I went downtown my copy of the Georgia Review, featuring a poem by a good friend from the program, no less, had finally arrived. I'd never seen the sky stippled white, gray and blue in quite this way before and had to stop to try and capture it, even though I could feel the marrow of my jaw freezing. Things are looking up.

Reflections on Self Love: Eating Naturally

Another overly busy day, so again this is going to be a brief check-in with reflections on self love. And we might take our postponed trip across the bay tomorrow, fog permitting, so I don't even know if I'll get to post tomorrow, but I'll surely try and read the post before we leave so that I can reflect on it.

(latest batch of no-sugar cookies, super-simple, chia-sweet, flax meal, shredded coconut, ground walnuts, a little carob) 

Well, I love the wonderful serendipity of the ways that these posts feed into one another! Today's post is about eating naturally and finding a comfortable relationship with food and how to make dietary choices. Tina asks, "Have you experienced any shifts in how you view food? What are the biggest influences in your food choices?"

And here I was at the naturopath's for a good chunk of time this morning, and we talked quite a bit about some of that. Not what I eat but how I eat. I've been frustrated because of feeling like I've gained some weight; he says that I'm approaching a healthy weight. But he also says that because of my long starvation history, my body's pathways will be predisposed to store fuel as fat rather than build muscles, simply because storing fat is efficient and it's used to expecting 'famine.' The important take-home message was that the longer I continue not to starve myself, for any reason or pretext, the sooner my metabolism will get back on track, and so the easier it will be to build muscle and lose weight. He warned me that if I go back to self-starvation as soon as we're finished with the whole series of chelation/yeast killing/etc, I'll go straight back to square one with the metabolic and hormonal problems. 

The sane side of myself also knows that I'm into the 'water retaining' end of the month (plus chelating bloats me) and he added that women with hormonal imbalances tend to retain more water at those times, that I could bet on a fluctuation of a good 5-10lbs! Since I'm not very big to begin with, that's a huge fluctuation. And it's another thing that will even out, the longer I continue to eat regularly. 

So, that ties in with yesterday's reflection on perseverance also! To keep on eating regularly, no matter what the 'demon' says, no matter what, and to trust that my metabolism will right itself, that I will continue to be able to exercise more, that eventually I'll feel comfortable in my body.

I'm working on a big shift in how I view food: from a scary, deceptive enemy to a kind of medicine and sometimes a source of pleasure. Most of the 'pleasure' foods I make are for other people and I don't partake, but just recently, especially since having the Vita-Mix, I've been wanting to enjoy food more.

My food choices are influenced by… that could be a long list. Fresh is important.

Plant-based is important. How it feels in my tummy is very important. A big shift in my food choices has been toward fat and protein and away from sugar. I used to fear fat and avoid it completely, and even though my guts aren't great now, I feel so much better minimizing sugar than I did when I ate almost exclusively fruit. Sometimes I'm drawn to something just because it tastes good, but I've had so many bad experiences with things that tasted good in the moment and made me sick afterwards that I'm wary of that most of the time. But if there are things that taste good but that also have medicinal qualities that I'm aware of (like fermented foods with probiotics, spices with antioxidants and healing powers, etc), I'm much more likely to really go with them.

Thanks for reading - please share your own ideas too!

Returning Energy, Steam Shower, Sun

Please check out my yesterday's post: I've added a few more important 'recipe revisits.'

Something really cool happened this afternoon. After writers' group, I chose to do my errands on foot and make a little loop around town! Not just because it was glorious and sunny for the second day in a row (hallelujah after this rainy summer!), and not because I'd fallen back into my old ways of finding every excuse to push myself harder, from burning calories to saving gas and more, although those both had their say also. No - I chose to do my errands on foot because I felt like I'd enjoy the walk! It's the first time in months that I've felt good enough to have that be a conscious choice! An amazing thing to be able to say. Of course, my post-chelation tummy icks kicked in mid-walk, but when I got home, I squeezed some lemon into water, added a good scoop of MSM and a sprinkle of stevia, and it really helped. And of course, I'm really tired this evening, but so worth it. Given that, and having added a bunch to yesterday's post, I'll keep this one shorter than I'd planned to.

Part of my loop was through an empty block in the middle of town, wilderness within a hundred yards of the main road!

Last time I walked through here, it was all covered in snow. This time of year, it's boggy, and the grasses were over my head. I lost the path several times and had to wade through the vegetation, avoiding devil's club. But one can also tread the grasses down to stay relatively dry getting through the swampy areas. 

Earlier in the day, I ended up back at the laundromat, pictured yesterday, for an important piece of self-care! 

Huh?

Yes, that's right! This morning, when I went for my Vitamin C IV that happens at the end of each 'chelation' week, I told the naturopath about the icky gut and general bloating/water retention/appetite loss issues I've been having, and he said that it all sounded like lymphatic congestion. He strongly recommended getting a sauna or other similar, and said that I should do so every other day during chelation weeks, make sure I sweat a lot, and then rinse in cold water and repeat several times. The closest thing available, he said, was the steam-sauna at the laundromat! 

Do you always take advice the first time you're given it, even from a trusted source? I'm afraid I don't always! I was frightened off by the $6.75 a time tag on that thing, and had avoided it, thinking I could manage without. Well, I'm so glad I took myself straight over there after seeing him today!

It took me a while to figure the thing out - 

- but eventually I realized that you could have the steam independently of the shower, and that the vent at the bottom left in the shower (pictured) was for the steam. I love sweating in steam or saunas, so I really enjoyed this, but this time I did take his advice and did the cold rinses also. He explained that if I didn't, I'd lose all my body heat when I came out because of my pores being dilated. The cold was a shock that made me pant and gasp, but it felt needed too.

I came out of that thing looking like something out of a zombie movie (no self-portrait this time!) and felt sick to my stomach briefly, but seem to have been feeling better for it. Definitely worth the $6.75 - just wish I didn't need to spend it! But oh my, in the winter time when it's really cold, this will be a godsend. In fact, the ND recommended doing this back in April when I first saw him and it was still winter! Take-home lesson - listen to him!