On the Other Side of the Glass/Different Perspectives on (your partner's) Detox/'Why do you need your Strength?'

I am going to lay out the different perspectives that Phil and I are experiencing on my current detox. I really hope that when I do this, I will receive help from the universe and also that it will be helpful for others to read.

I sincerely believe that Phil is concerned because he loves me, cares for me and wants the best for me: let that be said before anything else.

Phil sees that I went through a phase of expansiveness and permissiveness, allowed myself all kinds of things, and have now 'cut back' and thereby have reverted to my lifelong trap of austerity and renunciation, getting a reverse kick out of depriving myself and giving stuff up.

I see that I tried all of those everyday foods and felt unsatiated, crazy, in pain, bloated, and that all of those feelings increased that very deprivation tendency. Conversely, going back to raw foods happened 'by accident:' I never set a resolution or intention to do it: in fact, for over a year I hadn't even allowed myself to think  about it because I didn't think it fitted with Phil's lifestyle. Thus, I see it not as a 'cutting back' or a renunciation, but as finally, for once in my life, listening to my body! Not deprivation, but high-grading.

Phil sees that I have lost quite a bit of weight, and that I have days of intense fatigue and exhaustion, as well as a tendency toward anxiety. He knows that I'm a person who almost died of anorexia and still has body image issues. He thinks that I'm starving myself and wasting my muscles and nerves, hence jumpiness, and that I'm not going to be in shape for all the manic summer adventures.

I see that I am cleansing and detoxing, and really allowing myself the space and time to let that happen, really experiencing the concomitant exhaustion. Last week, I allowed my workload to pile up a little too much and got very anxious: I remind myself that deep cleansing really takes a lot of the body's energy and, in order to be strong in the long term, I have to let myself be weak now. However, I do also acknowledge that I've lost more weight than I expected to (without trying to at all), and think that this is hilariously ironic after those months last summer when I was trying to make myself live on fish and cottage cheese and spinach, _starving_ all the time and not seeming to lose weight very fast. At the moment, I feel very satiated for the most part. Phil compared my claim of satiation to the situation of the deer on Kodiak Island, who come down to the shore in the wintertime and fill their bellies with the seaweed, and have full bellies but end up starving to death. I have to disagree on that - even in this weak, cleansing mode, the contrast between my current satiation and the crazy craving feeling I was having before is just magical.

But Phil does have a point, and I need to confess to noticing that my avocado portion sizes have progressively shrunk, as have those of all the other more substantial foods I eat. His observation that I have a tendency to 'do without' if I can is a true one. When I was below 100lbs (which was for most of my 20s and up to age 31), it's true that I couldn't  ever seem to build stamina or muscle, frenetically active though I was and try though I might. I'm getting toward that point again and would prefer not to have to put myself in the position of 'needing to gain weight' because that is so triggering for me psychologically. 

For myself, I have to accept that this may happen before I'm through cleansing, and that it's going to occasion some alarm for my poor husband.

Phil sees that I'm depriving myself of treats, which he thinks everyone should have more of, and also of connection with other people through the shared pleasure.

I see that it's true that I had some fun eating chocolate (I even tried a bite of milk chocolate (bleck) - Phil is a snickers fiend) and drinking alcohol with friends, but look at the yeasty beasty consequences! I have to be glad for Phil that candy gives him so much pleasure and I have to believe that that being the case, trans fats notwithstanding, it won't do him harm (but this is so hard for me). But for me, the pleasure of the chocolate and alcohol was never simple, pure pleasure. I could always either feel negative reactions impending in my body or taste the underlying crappiness of the food. I can't let Phil kiss me when he's been eating peanut M&M's - it just smells so awful to me.

So, once again, he's right: the danger of my feeling cut off and judgmental is enormous. But I don't need to feel cut off because of the choices I make in order to feel my best! The judgment part is mostly based on fear, because I know how sick that stuff makes me feel and don't want it to be killing my loved ones slowly. But ever since I was a little kid and would throw up all day if I ate a breadcrumb, whereas all the other kids could eat plenty of bread without problems, I have had to acknowledge that the same food can act very differently in different bodies. Once again, I have to suspend judgment.

'Why Do You Want Your Strength Back?'

Last fall, as my strength went down and down and down, and I was feeling somewhat depressed and frustrated about it, one day a voice said to me that before I could have my strength back, I would need to achieve clarity about what I wanted it for. I've crashed and burned a few times before in my life after being super-active in someone else's rhythm. I'm not going to be allowed to repeat that cycle again.

This debate with Phil makes that question even more urgent, and also suggests some answers. Do these sound like some good things for which to want my strength back?

I want my strength back so that I can stay in my own integrity.

I want my strength back so that I can be flexible and accepting of others.

I want my strength back so that I have abundant energy to take care of my own needs, including treats, as well as cooking and baking for my family.

I want my strength back so that I can enjoy my relationship with Phil.

I want my strength back so that I can explore the out-of-doors, even in this harsh climate.

I want my strength back so that I can share of myself fully, both in person and through my writing.

I want my strength back so that I can fully relax!

Both of us are very open to advice - words of wisdom will be listened to and appreciated.