Why Blog?

I think everyone whose blog I read has wondered why they do it at some point, triggered by an insensitive comment, harassed by time pressures, or just feeling like it's gotten 'old.' Presumably it's a good idea to periodically re-evaluate the worth of anything that we put a lot of time into. I am really trying to do my best, both with writing this blog and with life in general, and between a hurtful comment from a friend, my husband's skepticism of the value of blogging, and my own feeling of being overwhelmed with things to do, it's a good time to ask this question. My initial reaction to the hurtful comment and to my husband's skepticism, I'm afraid, has been annoyance and digging my heels in. 'I want to write my blog and you're not going to stop me' -style childish defiance. So, in the interests of 'doing better,' here are some thoughts about 'why' that are hopefully more mature than that.

First of all, I write because I need to write. Half the time, I don't really know what I'm thinking or feeling until I've been writing about it. Often, when everything feels crazy, if I sit down and do some creative writing, work on some poems, or even just journal, it takes me into a much happier and saner place. It also allows me to like myself more, which motivates me to take better care of myself. In other words, I love to write. This also answers my husband's question of this morning, of why I write 'morning pages' quasi-religiously every morning.

But there is more, of course. I want to share of myself, through my words: to give friends, loved ones, family, and anyone else who might be interested (who is probably just a more distant or yet-to-be-discovered friend or loved-one or family) a window into this fascinating, crazy life and world that I experience, and to open myself to the opportunity to learn from and share and connect with them in return. Having moved around so much, I have so many dear friends and family members all over the place, with whom I want to share. Since writing is my preferred mode of sharing, isn't this a good way to do it?

One of my husband's main complaints about the blog is that it isn't face-to-face connection with 'real' people. He seems to think that you have to be 'into blogging' in order even to think about going to read someone's blog, negating the possibility that our friends or family might just go look up my blog and see what we've been up to lately. And the hurtful comment I received kind of supports that. I had emailed a friend a month ago, briefly mentioned that I'd been in an accident (the truck/blizzard accident when I was driving the bees down here at the end of April), and also mentioned that I'd written about it in detail in my blog, which they know about. After a while, I got an email back saying 'don't expect me to be keeping up with your life through your blog.' I found this hurtful because I wasn't expecting anything, just letting them know that if they were curious what had happened, I had written about it here. I have so little time online and want to share to the max. Maybe I am being oversensitive, but I felt a subtle accusation of narcissism underscoring the fact that something I was offering was being thrown back in my face. 

Of course, I agree with Phil that making friends here and connecting with real people up here is a good idea. And I am making some efforts to do that, and am also hoping that having my online home here  might facilitate that by giving people another handle on me. This recent rejection of that has given me some second thoughts. 

And then, there's the whole food thing. There aren't many people who live here who are into living foods - hardly any, in fact. And I love this mode of sharing. Whilst I no longer think at all, like I did for a few years a long time ago, that I can only really relate to people who are raw foodists (witness the fact that I'm married to someone who isn't!) I do think that people who are drawn to that tend to have many other things in common also, and I really enjoy being able to immerse myself in that vibe. 

Since, unfortunately, I've been unable to convince Phil as yet that the raw food milieu is a separate issue from residual eating disorder issues and is a vibrant and healthy way of being, it's not likely that this reason for blogging would be very convincing to him. But for me, it's still a good reason.

Now, I don't want to spend too much time on my blog on posts like this! I don't want to be self-reflexive, self obsessed, narcissistic, maudlin or self-pitying. Or redundant! What I do want is to take a sober look at why I do what I do, make sure that it is serving the highest good, and re-evaluate if it isn't. I know that oftentimes I'm too invested in whatever it is that I'm doing to be truly objective about it. But if I feel like I love to do something and that it's serving, is it wrong to continue with it? A serious question - and if you see any chinks in my assumed objectivity and want to point them out, I'd be most grateful for that also.