Carrot Cardamom Birthday Cake (Allergy-Free); Gratitude, and a Bonus Recipe

What a birthday I had yesterday (the 28th)! I feel so blessed. So many dear friends from all over the world and all over my life history contacted me on Facebook, and I was so glad to have the opportunity to think of each and every one. We had a poetry group meeting, which is always a highlight of the week in which it falls, and our hostess this time made her gorgeous living space so festive and party-like for the occasion. In the evening, our wonderful friends and hosts extraordinaires, David and Olga, hosted a limerick party for my birthday! Everyone had to bring an original limerick--that was the "admission ticket." I loved that idea: a way to honor my love of poetry so that absolutely everyone could participate.

When I came home from my poetry group to get ready to leave for the limerick party, there was a message on the phone telling me that a poem of mine won second place in the Statewide Poetry Contest! What lovely news to get on my birthday!

Now that I've exceeded my monthly allocation of exclamation points, let me share some food cheer. That up there is my birthday cake: a carrot cardamom cream cake--that's what the carrot juice in my last post was for.

I made it up as I went along, but it was a real winner, so I'm going to share before I forget what I did!
This makes one ten-inch cake, but it's not a super-tall one--which I like: the slices aren't so overwhelmingly big.

Carrot Cardamom Cream Cake (gluten and dairy free, vegan, low sugar)

Crust:
1 cup pecans
1/2 cup golden flax meal
1/2 cup carrot pulp (from making carrot juice)
~3/4 cup chopped dates
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon vanilla powder

In a food processor, pulse the pecans into crumbs, then add the flax meal and carrot pulp and pulse a few times to combine. Then, with the processor running, gradually add the dates until everything starts to come together. Press into a ten-inch springform pan.

Filling:
1 cup carrot juice
1 1/2 soaked pili nuts, drained
1/2 cup young coconut pulp (I used frozen pulp)
1 cup thick irish moss gel
3/4 cup erythritol
3 tablespoons lemon juice
1/4 inch fresh ginger
2 teaspoons cinnamon
2 teaspoons ground cardamom
pinch ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon stevia
1/2 cup coconut oil, melted
2 tablespoons lecithin granules

In a Vitamix or other high-powered blender, blend all but the last two ingredients until smooth. Check the taste and add more cardamom or sweetener if it seems necessary. Add the coconut oil and lecithin and blend again until very smooth.
Pour over the crust and freeze for a couple hours until set.

Here's the crust...

 And the filling ready to rock'n'roll...

 And you can see here that it's not awfully tall up the side of the pan.

 I decorated it with some leftover frosting from our anniversary cake (a different kind of carrot cake!)

There's not much left, so it was thoroughly enjoyed! I love how the irish moss and the young coconut make it not quite so 'heavy,' but it's still delightfully smooth and rich.

Bonus recipe: Sweet Potato Puree with Roasted Garlic

We had an "orange" theme going in the food for the limerick party--also my influence. This is super-simple and extremely delicious; another off-the-cuff concoction.
I roasted several heads of garlic--350 degrees for about an hour in the oven.
I boiled up 4 medium sized sweet potatoes, took the peels off and drained the liquid.
I added about 2 teaspoons of coconut oil, and a whole head of roasted garlic cloves, and pureed with a hand-held blender.
It was delicious, and almost shockingly sweet--roasted garlic is darn sweet too!

The rest of the carrot pulp went into these brownie bites--perhaps I'll share the recipe for those next time.

Abundant gratitude and love to everyone--thank you.

"50 First Weeks:" Gratitude, Daylight, and a Whole New Year

Another Monday, and as I predicted, it's definitely a day to retarget some good intentions. Like getting out for a hike (which we did again) and giving of myself to my husband rather than being buried in work all the time--and, best of all, writing and reading poetry! I did! I feel a lot more like myself already.

We're getting some incredible sunsets--this is right outside our cabin at bluff's edge. It's a frightful pic of me (was super-windy--check out those whitecaps--and I had no hat on), but I'm including it because of the incredible lightplay.

 Aside from the fact that I was going off track so much with too much work and too little writing (and too little anything else) last week, tomorrow is my birthday. I'm sure I've mentioned here before that in some ways, I think a person's birthday is more important than New Year's day as an opportunity to evaluate, set intentions, and generally take stock. I'll be doing more of that tomorrow, but on my "50 first weeks" Monday, I'm feeling such a sense of gratitude and validation. Writer friends have contacted me with good wishes, poems, and spot-on writerly advice. Another friend nudged me for the recipe for something I made in a crazed between-grading dash that really is worth sharing--here too. And I feel flattered that Phil wants my company, too.

Since Phil was out for breakfast with a friend this morning, instead of fixing breakfast I did some pre-prep for "tomorrow" goodies. This little hand-crank wheatgrass juicer is all the juicer I have, which might explain why this is the first time I've used it in over two years.

Now, I eat a lot a lot of carrots, but the amount of carrots it took to produce that scant cup of carrot juice is about as many as I eat in three or four days--and they're a significant part of my intake. Scary. Also, not the most efficient juicer.

Last time I pulled the juicer out, two years ago, was for the carrot pulp, to make these:

I loved them so much, I thought I should never make them again. This time, I cut them really small! This time, I also need the juice for another creation I'm planning. More on both in my next post! Some nostalgia for Hawaii, too--I got the juicer from a dear friend in HI whom I miss, and I used it regularly to make coconut cream. Of course, I always made goodies (including carrot cake sometimes!) with the pulp from the coconut cream making. At that stage of my life, there was always coconut cream and ginger juice in the fridge, courtesy of that little juicer.

A few minutes after the picture at the top of the post... Thanks, everyone!

Sunday's on the Phone to Friday and Nettle-Fig "Instant" Bars

I bought Phil new binoculars and several bird-feeders for his birthday back in November. We've been enjoying the visitors: a recent favorite is this plucky little woodpecker.

He doesn't let the bully-boy magpies chase him off!

So, what happened to my regular Friday post? Well, I guess this is it! Nonlinear time strikes again, and both Friday and Saturday managed to pass in the recently typical 18-hour-workday-haze. I want to address that current situation today, and I also want to share a recipe--another "instant energy bar" recipe.

On Friday, at least, I "busted loose" for a hike with Phil. It wasn't a huge long hike, but it was enough for me to reconnect with the ocean and the outside, and to remind myself of how essential that is, even if I was wearing four pairs of pants and even more layers on my top half against the cold, and two hats. It had been so long since I'd even taken a short walk. This pic is from the end of the hike, by which time we were well warmed up, with unzipped jackets.

But there wasn't time to make a blog post and take a hike! When there wasn't time for either one yesterday (because we were having dinner with our beloved friends), I had a moment of truth. I realized I'd done almost no creative writing or reading in the past week. I realized I've been working 12-19 hour days, seven days a week, for the past two months. I realized that although I'm learning a lot through teaching this course, and hopefully teaching some students Linguistics too, that's not my main goal in life--becoming a better writer is. Similarly, although I love editing, the editing deadlines last week ate up even more of my time. Similarly, the extra course I'm taking these next two weeks, which is a training in the rubrics for teaching online courses, is great as an enhancement to my teaching abilities and sense, but is not in line with my main goals. Similarly, I don't have time to have a conversation with my husband.

The fear clawed at my heart and chills ran down my back--what if I don't put the most into my MFA--what if I "coast," like I always did academically, when my heart is so totally in the MFA--wouldn't that be a criminal waste?

Then, several hours of today that I didn't have to spare have been spent talking with Phil, who is feeling the loss of me to my work, and feeling the same concern that the bulk of my time is going into something that's not my passion. All is not quite in balance here. Tomorrow's "50 First Weeks" renewal should address that yesterday, and here I am.

And here's the recipe!
This one is similar to my "instant apricot power bars." Another wonderful dried fruit is figs--so rich in calcium, soluble fiber, and other benefits. When I lived in CA, I almost never ate dried figs because we had seasons of fresh figs, which are quite something else and really almost divine. Up here, though...well, I paid about $5 for a small basket of fresh figs last summer, perfectly ripe. It was money well spent.

My one problem with traditional fruit-nut bars is that they don't always have enough minerals (and possibly protein) to give a sense of satiation, so that I can eat one (or half of one) and be done. So, in addition to the mineral rich figs and hempseeds, I added some dried nettles to this bar! You can't even taste them, but they definitely help with the satiation factor, even though I made them much smaller than traditional lara bars.

"Instant" Nettle-Fig Power Bars
1/2 cup dried nettles
1 cup dried figs, chopped (I used black mission, but calimyrna are delightful too)
1/2 cup hemp seeds
1/4 cup flax seed meal
4 dried apricots (chopped)

Whiz the nettles in a food processor until they're powdery. Add the figs, hemp seeds, flax meal, and process until the mixture starts to form a ball. You may need to add the apricots to facilitate this, depending on how dry your figs are (mine were quite dry, and I needed the apricots).

Roll into small logs--I got about a dozen.
Again, these are not super-sweet, but there's a real "heartiness" to them, and they are delicious.
Enjoy.

Big Mr Moose was back again--Phil's been busy putting up more fencing, and felt brave enough to chase Mr Moose off from the other side of the fence. His trick? See the wheelbarrow next to him? He raised it above his head to make himself look very tall, which stopped the moose in his tracks. Then, he banged it down on the ground--and as you can see, the moose decided he'd rather be somewhere quieter!

I'm sharing this post and recipe here: http://wholenewmom.com/traditional-tuesday/allergy-free-wednesday/

"Writing" in my Head, "Reading" from Memory; the "Golden Nugget"

We're back from Anchorage--and the days are getting longer! Phil had a moment of genius and grabbed these very snazzy shades at the ophthalmologists'--turned out I really needed them to see to drive us home! As the evenings get longer, if the sun is out at all, it's right in your eyes and low in the sky for a significant part of the route home.

Having spent most of today preparing a practice midterm for my course (fighting the technology every step--it only forced me to redo about three of the longest questions two or three times apiece), having gotten through Valentines, Mardi Gras, two editing deadlines, and our Anchorage trip--oh, and two poetry performances over the weekend, I feel like I'm coming up for air this evening--knowing that I have the "real" midterm to prepare, as well as grading, preparing lectures, and more. Working a couple hours translating Greek dictionary entries has been a balm.

Within an overstretched week exacerbated by some poor self-management that caused the usual swings in my mercurial pendulum, I learned something to do with poetry, performing poetry, and its importance to me. This is the golden nugget that could be the salvation of my spun psyche and the justification for the quicksilveriness. And maybe the lithium, which simply means "made of rock," is the touchstone that will transform mercury to gold if I actually keep taking it!

In the midst of overwork, how have writerly and culinary creativity fared? The Valentine's day candies happened sort of betwixt and between as a "body" break (brain still engaged), as did a platter of beautiful goodies I made for our friends' son's Memorial on Sunday and didn't even remember to photograph! So much for the food creations--I'm still making them, but feeling little enthusiasm except for their reception.

What about my writing? I've been "writing" furiously in my head at all moments, but I haven't sat down to write as I need to for several days, especially with the disruption of the town trip. As I like to say, I begin to feel like an unmilked cow. This needs to change.

What an irony, too, that I say "I'm writing in my head," which isn't really writing at all, but is an allied cognitive/creative process, when so many people said how much they enjoyed my "reading" at the show on Saturday and at the Memorial on Sunday, when I wasn't actually "reading" at all: I performed from memory on both occasions!

"Out of the Woodwork" was a great show all round with so many rousing performances. It was a flashback to a past life for me, being surrounded by musician types, remembering the days when I'd be in rehearsals at least three or four nights every week. I felt honored to be part of the company. Also honored to share one other poem as well as the poem I wrote for our friends Tom and Jeanie on their son's death.

The experience, together with the response I received in feedback, was a reminder of how much I love to perform, and how important I think "poetry out loud" is as part of life. I'm a little wary of "thinking something's important" and then growing a sense of obligation toward it that stifles some of the sparkiness, but I also feel I'm at a stage in my life where "what's important" is what I need to focus on. I love to write. I love to make connections that are not always clear, and to do so in the most beautiful juxtapositions of words available to me. Despite--or perhaps because of--my nowhere girl accent, people like to hear me perform poetry. I love to perform and share words juxtaposed.

This is all true. Which means that truly, life is pretty good.

Turnagain Arm on the way home yesterday--this was before the shades came out!

What's your "golden nugget" this week?

"50 First Weeks"--Moose Subsistence, Our Subsistence

After a whirlwind weekend of performances and memorial, we're on the road again and my workload is still on "critical," so I may be working while Phil drives and be distracted from beautiful things I like to focus on in other ways too.

With that in mind, although I have lots to share, I'm going to keep this post brief, and focused on our bull moose visitor who was back and persistent yesterday, acting very entitled around our trees and raspberry canes.

It's unusual for there to be so many moose at our low elevation this early in the winter. Usually, they're up high until March/April. The huge snowfall this year has evidently driven them down early.

People in the know are encouraging those who can to cut down cottonwoods and other forage trees for the moose to eat, because the fact that they're down here this early could very well translate to lots of starving moose in a couple months. A sobering change of perspective from feeling protective of our raspberry canes and carefully nurtured trees!

This guy was quite undeterred by the cage around that little birch. And undeterred by yelling. Running toward him (which I've done before to chase them off) seemed like a super-bad idea: he turned around and looked threatening. This morning, he growled at Phil.

He was right on the path between our cabin and the car when I needed to leave to go perform in the show. The snow was too deep for me to work my way around him (without going back indoors and changing clothes), so I was walking up the path very slowly and gingerly, with the big guy just a few feet (not yards) ahead of me. Occasionally I'd yell and stomp, and he'd move forward a bit, but it's never taken me that long to get up to the car!

And I was scared. I've never been really scared of a moose before. I didn't like being that close to him, I didn't like feeling like I had to herd him up out of the way, I didn't like how he looked over his shoulder at me, and I didn't like that his butt was higher than my head--those legs can kick, and they have a range.

I happen to enjoy performing music and poetry, but if there had been any possibility of stage fright, the idea of being scared of anything else after those few minutes would definitely have been banished.

And as I do my little "50 first weeks," try to do better, screw up, re-resolve every Monday, I think of the cycles in a moose's life--how complicated in such different ways, how simple in other ways. It is a sort of honor to be living in such proximity with a being that neither knows nor cares about the vast majority of what bothers me in life.

Accidental Junk Food?

I wanted to talk about the kind of food that's appealing in the sense of being both tasty and in conformity with all my criteria of what's actually a good food to put in my body. Isn't it ironic that despite all the research into nutrition, this set of criteria is inevitably going to be highly subjective?

Now, it's true that on occasion, I eat things not in perfect conformity with all my criteria:

• Occasionally I eat chocolate, or other cacao-containing foods, which I know is bad for my personal adrenals and brain chemistry
• Occasionally I eat homemade vegan white or carob cacao butter chocolates, which simply contain too much fat per serving for me to consider "everyday food" (NB home made chips made from these would not normally be off-list)
• Occasionally I eat tamari in dressings, although I find it waay too salty for me
• Occasionally I eat nuts and nut butters, or goods made with them, although apart from mac nuts, pili nuts and walnuts, I consider them way too high in omega-6 for regular consumption, with the exception of one or two brazil nuts on occasion, whose selenium content offsets their stratospheric omega-6's
• Occasionally I'll eat something that was prepared with agave nectar, although I think it's a pretty poor quality ingredient
• Very very very occasionally, like once a year, I'll eat a potato chip at a party (and inevitably feel awful)

But, as I mentioned in my apricot power bars post, none of these is an everyday transgression, and I often need a snack beyond an apple or a carrot, especially if I'm going to skip dinner (an increasingly frequent occurrence). I need snacks that are things I feel totally OK about--low omega 6, some good protein, not overly high in sugar or fat, some omega 3's, lots of minerals, nutrient dense for the amount of calories--oh, and of course, it has to taste good. 

Good, but not "moreish" good: I want to eat one and be done, not eat one and have all my attention dragged away to it.

So, imagine my shock when I did a remake of these wonderful carob chip apricot bars, with just one small tweak which actually made it healthier in my book, and ended up with something "moreish good!"

What did I do differently?

Two things, actually.  The most important thing was, I soaked the freshly ground amaranth and quinoa flours overnight, rather than mixing them dry and then adding the wet ingredients. I just added the "watery" component of the liquid ingredients to them the night before, and then stirred in the flax, carrots, apricots, chips, and all the wet ingredients, the next day. The idea was to allow the phytates in the grains to break down, thereby making the bars more digestible. I loved the first version of the bars, but my tummy was a little less sure.

I also ended up dehydrating them for slightly longer. Now, I mentioned in my first post about them that they had a lovely texture even with the rather small amount of coconut oil used. This time, I used no more coconut oil than previously, but I noticed that the batter appeared more "oily" when I mixed it all together. Something about the soaked grains incorporating differently?

Well, the end result was kind of like a crunchy, spicy cookie--maybe the kind made with shortening!
A very definite crunch, with a spicy, satisfying flavor, a pleasantly oily mouthfeel. Unfortunately the apricot chunks were too dry as a result of the long dehydration, but otherwise, a rather simple and plain goodie was transformed into something totally decadent.

What was my reaction? Horror! I wanted them gone!
I'm not usually a sucker for crunch, probably because there have been so few cookies in my life ever (or maybe the causality goes the other way), and I pride myself on iron restraint around food. Choosing everyday foods from my strict criteria set helps me with this.  So it was immensely disorienting for a "healthy" food to come out decadent like that.

I was torn between deciding that the carob chips made them too decadent for everyday after all, flat throwing them out (which I'm incapable of doing, and didn't do), and using them as my go-to snack at every opportunity to get them gone as quickly as possible, which is what I ended up doing.

Written out like that, it sounds a bit sad--I used them up relatively quickly because they tasted so good, but specifically, because that fact was such a bad thing!

No, I don't have plans to make them again anytime soon. I know that I could make them less devilish by dehydrating them less crunchy, but they take several stages of preparation, and I'm going to focus on more "instant" snacks for the time being.

Tasted so good, it must've been bad.... What do you think of that?

Belated Valentine's Mint Chocolates, Out of the Woodwork

...but first--this is the snow pile in our cul-de-sac after almost two weeks of thaw! It's almost as high as the alders. I am so grateful for plow trucks--without them, we would be buried!

I had this post ready to share yesterday, a Valentine's delight as I'd hinted on Monday... 

...but yesterday was a "packet deadline" day, and by the time I'd gotten my packet in, finished up a lecture, and sat in rehearsal for over three hours, not having slept much the night before, my very sensible husband insisted I go to bed instead of posting!

Rehearsal? Yes! I'm going to share a couple poems as part of "Out of the Woodwork," a variety performance here in town on Saturday night. Two short poems, one of them I just wrote for our friends Tom and Jeanie as an elegy for the death of their son. Here's the local newspaper's announcement--it even mentions me and what I'll share a little ways down!

I used to spend many hours of every week at rehearsals. Showing up for these few, and as a poet, not a singer or instrumentalist (although, like everyone else, I do get to sing for the Finale of the show) is an interesting revisit of what used to be so central to my life. There are several wonderfully versatile musicians who are really anchoring the show, playing several instruments, supporting and shining in turn. In the past, I used to be in that kind of role. I don't at all mind not being; it's just interesting to observe how it is to be a small part of a team, briefly individuated when I come onstage and perform my poems, and otherwise in the background.

I have to be careful with my eye contact: I tend to pay close attention, and when the director is looking around for someone, my eyes are right there--but in this case, I'm not the one she needs!

OK, about those mint chocolates. They were an experiment, and I'd say a successful one, sort of along the lines of the pomegranate fondants I made at Christmas, utilizing Irish Moss gel for a soft but creamy texture.

This time, I tried using pili nuts. They were a delicacy when I lived in HI--several farmers at some elevation grew them. They're even fattier than macadamia nuts, and like mac nuts, seem to have mostly monounsaturated fat and very little omega 6, so good in my book. Phil doesn't care for them because they don't have a distinctive flavor, but coupled with their creaminess, that makes them a great base for raw desserts!

Mint Chocolate Fondants (sugar free, vegan, mostly raw, gluten free)
For the filling:
1 cup pili nuts (cashews or macs would also work)
1 cup Irish Moss gel
1/2 cup nut milk
1/2 cup erythritol
2 teaspoons peppermint extract
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup cacao butter
1 tablespoon lecithin

Blend together all but the last two ingredients in a high-powered blender. To make it easier on the blender (but dirty more equipment), process the nuts into butter in a food processor first.
Then, add the cacao butter and lecithin and blend again until very smooth.

I used only 1/8 cup cacao butter, and it meant that the filling took a very long time to set, and really needs to be kept refrigerated or frozen. The extra cacao butter will provide more solidity.

Pour the filling into a bowl and refrigerate until it firms up a bit. Then, either form into balls, or put in molds--I used my heart-shaped ice cube trays from IKEA again. They'll need to be frozen for some time before coating.

For Coating:
Homemade raw chocolate or your favorite high quality dark chocolate
And/or homemade carob chocolate (here's my recipe).
(I did both)

Melt the chocolate gently, and dip the fondants in it, ensuring they are thoroughly coated. Set them on a nonstick surface so that they don't break apart when you pick them up. Our ambient temperatures are such that it's quite a challenge keeping the chocolate melted enough, and with the lesser amount of cacao butter, the fondants were also softening up quickly. Best to keep them in the freezer and pull out a few at at time, with chocolate-covered fingers!

I'm not the best at coating chocolates--they never seem to come out perfectly smooth when I do them. But homemade-delicious-looking, you betcha!

These are creamy, smooth, not overpoweringly sweet, with a lovely mouth-feel.

I'll be back tomorrow with the post, also promised on Monday, about food and what counts as "good" for me...

Have a beautiful day!

"50 First Weeks:" Seeking Algorithms, Finding Change (And Eagle Pics)

It's Monday again, so once again, I invoke "50 First Weeks." A mindfulness practice, always the opportunity to rekindle intentions. My ergonomics and housekeeping intentions continue to need rekindling, or something's going to catch fire from all the dust and spread-out notebooks! A busy week is in store--lectures to write and record, packet due, performance and rehearsals (on which more soon), excited brainstorm over an essay I'm writing, embarrassment of rough diamonds with my poetry offerings.

I'm feeling the lack of direct contact with my students, teaching through the web/veil like this. Only yesterday, when grading, did I discover how difficult everyone found last week's work! Pondering why that is and how to make it better is a good exercise in itself, but I also permit myself some pride that before lunchtime today I wrote, made slides for, edited, produced and published an entire extra lecture "to remedy the confusion."

I have a few more thoughts about the "50 First Weeks" frame of reference, but I have to interrupt it with this impromptu photoshoot (thanks to Phil) of an eagle in our yard, so close I practically fell over it when I inadvertently stepped outside!

The magpies are back--it's not clear to me that they ever left, but they were very quiet for a couple months, and now they're raucous and bold again. Would you believe me if I said that magpie was 2ft tall, in the picture for scale? That was Phil's joke...

Even at regular scale, the eagle is one huge bird...

They look so funny full frontal--the scary part is that that beak you can barely see is now pointed straight at you.

Of course, if one eagle was on the ground, he had probably found something good, so there was a mobile of eagles in the air, circling. He made sure to give them a good twittering, "Keep out!"

That eagle was in the yard for probably an hour. I was sitting here grading, constantly turning to see if it was still there, marveling.

As I renew focus with these "50 first weeks," I find myself torn between wanting an exact template--to know exactly what to do when, how much to eat and what, when to get up, when to exercise, to run with robotic perfection--and knowing with lively certainty that that kind of template would drive me crazy and that I wouldn't be able to help but tear it apart! It seems like food and diet are the most changeable areas for me, albeit revolving around such a small set of possibilities. It also seems like those are the areas in which I most desire micro-level control.

The part of me that wants to live on carrots at the moment has been embracing carrots, while simultaneously acknowledging that the day is probably drawing close that I won't be able to look at a carrot for a while (and organic carrots are one of the few reliably good cheap foods here, so I hate the idea of them not being a staple).

Slightly more worrisome: the part of me that loves to write about food is currently jaded and disillusioned. This is partly because almost nothing tastes good in the sense of "good" that I appreciate right now, and what does taste good doesn't feel good. Apart from hot no-caffeine home-brewed chai maybe. There have been other periods in my life where I basically didn't fix any food for myself beyond the occasional smoothie, and still derived much pleasure from creating foods for others and writing about it. I seem to be in one of those times right now, although, busy as I am, I'm not even enjoying the creating for others as much as usual.

I have some more thoughts on that "good in the sense of "good" that I appreciate" line that I want to share here. If I do manage to concoct something shareable in a Wednesday post for Valentine's tomorrow, I'll talk about what makes food "good" on Friday.

Love and happy Valentine's--a new week again!

Body Image Thoughts: The Weight of the Heart

I hope everyone's having a good weekend. Busy here, and thawing still.

Just wanted to check in with some follow up thoughts on body image and writerly goals. I'm so grateful for the sensitive and smart comments on my post about this last week. I'm also aware that I was kind of belligerent about my unwillingness to "compromise" or to accept things just as they are. And it's true: I am belligerent and defiant about this, and I recognize that that may seem a ridiculous denial of my true lack of control, and/or that it might be triggering to someone.

With that in mind, and always in the interests of ulterior harmony, balance, I offer these few thoughts to counter my own obduracy.

1) Several people have pointed this one out to me, but perhaps my own mom is the person who expressed it best: Be aware of how you appear to other people. It's so easy to get caught up in our own insecurities and inadequacies, but if we look out beyond ourselves, there are all these other people in our lives, of all different shapes and sizes. We're not in competition to be thinner than them, nor to be a better writer--one of the things I most adore about being a writer is that I always cheer on my fellow writers and really feel far more pride in their achievements than I ever feel envy. We are all co-creating one another! If I think of how I can be a part of my community, be that writing group, family, the people I'm teaching in a class, or any other group of people, and if I think of how my role and persona are perceived from the other side of my own head, I'm likely to see a different person--a valued person.

2) I might think that I can control my body by micro-managing what goes into it, but unless I grow all my own food from scratch and create my own water, I can't do that! I don't know what pesticide residues are on my produce that might affect my hormones. I don't know what low-percentage ingredient in my protein powder might upset my stomach. I don't know what the cellular constituency of my cracked-cell-wall chlorella is, or what bugs culture my kim chee. Even if I grow sprouts in a jar, I don't know what is growing on them, invisible to me! As for water, if I use city water, I'm facing chlorine and fluorine that can mess with endocrines and gut bacteria, as well as traces of prescription drugs and other chemicals. If I go for spring water, I'm opening myself up to whatever bugs all the animals upstream pooped into it (Phil had giardia just a few months ago from spring water).

3) Remember that in the Ancient Egyptian afterlife, it wasn't the weight of your body that was held in the balance against the feathers: it was the heart. And that's worth remembering as part of a writing practice, too.

"Instant" Apricot Power Bars, Gratitude

I'll share this recipe for a super-simple snack, as promised, in a moment. It's a dried-fruit-and-seeds-based bar, which is why it's "instant," and I'll share some of my thoughts and peeves about that, too.

First, though, I wanted to share a moment of gratitude. Since my working week is so eccentric and my choice of eating establishments so "other," I tend to shy away from the whole "TGI Friday" thing. But it just happens to be a Friday, and I just happen to have been overwhelmed with gratitude today. Gratitude for the kindness of so many friends, both in real life and online. For all my blog readers! Gratitude for my wonderfully supportive and patient husband. Gratitude for my naturopath and therapist, who allow me to trust them enough that I can get help, after years of never receiving any kind of healthcare, and who encourage me to know myself and do my best. For writing groups in town and writer friends everywhere. For rooibiscus tea, and all the herbals that have been helping me through my cold. For my own ability today to take a supplement that I knew would calm me down rather than stoking the crazies and amping up even more.

I'm so grateful that I get to do work I love (most of it I really do), in a beautiful place, and that in as tiny a home as we live, I have two wonderful workstations--this one with the view...

And this "nook," which is a better place when the sun is shining in through the windows and you still have to work!

Thanks for letting me indulge in that gratitude.

Now for the bars! Nut/seed and dried fruit sweets are ubiquitous in the Middle East and were also ubiquitous as healthfood store snacks when I was growing up. They are wonderful: super-nutritious and very easy to make--but they are not rocket science, nor are they a huge innovation. I used to make them all the time, in various permutations of dried fruits, nuts and seeds, and they were always super-popular. It would fascinate me which combinations were favored by whom. I didn't like the dried banana/pumpkin seed version at all, but one of my best friends adored it, so I'd always make it for him.

But, since they are the basis of a huge repertoire of raw desserts, I have to admit to having been jaded and cynical at times when I'd look through a new Raw Recipe book, turn to the dessert section, and see all kinds of exceedingly decadently titled items--"chocolate truffle brownies!" "triple layer fudge cheesecake!"--and they would all turn out to be yet another more (or sometimes, less) elaborate version of a nut/date treat. Truth in advertising? Don't get me wrong: I'm sure they were delicious. It's also true that in recent years, even the use of nuts/dates in raw desserts has become far more sophisticated, with the advent of finely ground cashew flour and date paste, and the use of stand mixers and irish moss to make super-fluffy textures.

But aside from making my own cream cake crusts, I hadn't made a nut/date or seed/dried fruit "bar" in ages before this week. I'd been avoiding dried fruit for years because of yeast issues, and most nuts and seeds are way too high in omega-6 for me to feel comfortable consuming them as a snack. I'd gotten a dehydrator, and was enjoying concocting lower fat, lower sugar snacks that needed dehydration to bring everything together.

I also love simplicity, though. As busy as I've been, and as minimal of appetite, I wanted something compact without being overly decadent, quick and easy to make. 

I don't like "decadent" for my regular snacks: it makes me too nervous, and I end up not enjoying the food. I'd always prefer to eat something I can "justify" to myself. So, part of my current enamorment with apricots is due to their great vitamin and mineral profile and relatively low sugar. And apart from a spell last year when I avoided all PUFA's, both omega 6 and omega 3, which I don't think was a great success, I generally feel fairly good about high-omega-3 seeds like hemp and flax. Hemp has the added bonus of being a complete protein, and flax has the good lignans (fiber) too.

These Instant Apricot Power Bars (version 1) are so quick and easy. I made them in the mini chopper that came with my immersion blender, and pre-chopped the apricots to minimize the time I had to listen to a noisy motor. I'm a quick knifewoman, so it probably sped the whole process up. You'll enjoy them too, I hope!

1 cup unsulphured dried apricots (pre-chopped to save time and noise) 

1/2 cup hemp seeds (shelled hemp hearts)

1/4 cup golden flax meal

handful mulberries

Whiz the apricots and hemp seeds until they're well blended together. 

Add the flax meal and blend again. 

Throw in the mulberries just as the mixture is starting to stick together.

Form into bars and refrigerate. They'll keep in the fridge for a long time, and practically forever in the freezer.

These are soft and chewy, not as dry or dense as some of the nuttier bars that use nut butter as a binder together with the dried fruit.. The hemp and flax seeds give them a pleasant, earthy taste without the omega 6 that earthy sunflower seeds provide. The apricots are subtly sweet, and also give the whole thing an orangey hue for which I'm always such a sucker! The mulberries are just lovely: a complex sweetness, and that wonderful texture too.

Sound good?

I call this "version 1" because I'm curious to see how it would be with some added mesquite and/or carob and/or maca, and with some goji berries, or citrus zest or other spices--my beloved cardamom??...!. As ever with these nut/seed/dried fruit affairs, the possibilities are endless. I'm so grateful to be able to enjoy dried fruit again, and to consider it a nutritious, powerful food that works well for me.

Have a beautiful weekend, everyone! Eccentric scheduler as I am, I may be back over the weekend with some more body image-related thoughts. 

What do you think of dried fruit/nut/seed treats? Best new thing ever or overhyped, or other?

loves...

Kokopelli on the Water, Eagle in the Tree

This was the view from outside our cabin this morning...

And here's my newly much more ergonomic workstation from which to view it! More ergonomic--I didn't say "more tidy!"One of my journals doubles as mouse mat, and there are maybe three other notebooks in view, as well as at least four "in use" books and drinking vessels perilously close by.

It was a pretty big low tide, and that gravel spit on the beach below reminds me of Kokopelli when it gets exposed--land and water in a musical dance. So cool that the curlicue of ice drifting west almost mirrors the Kokopelli shape of the land! Yes, all kinds of elemental metaphors there.

It's the fourth day of thaw here, and there are supposed to be a couple more before it cools down again. Still a lot of snow everywhere, but it's packed down and pockmarked, and paths are icy. Phil hacked little heel-shaped divots here and there in the paths, without which it would be a near-straight luge run from the cul-de-sac all the way to bluff's edge!

Phil actually went a little ways up this tree today too, trying to get a good photo of the iceberg pictured above. He claimed the tree wasn't slick at all, being dried out from the cold, but I found that hard to believe with every other outdoor step being a slide.

I watched this eagle for quite a while, before our neighbors' big goofy dog came galumphing down and it decided it had better places to be.

Even if just for a few moments, and with camera in hand as an excuse, it was good to pause and be.

I still have a sore throat and runny nose, and am still not much for sleeping despite that. Maybe the cold comes from teaching, but also many people close to our recently bereaved friends, themselves included, have come down with some similar coldy-fluey symptoms. Today has been a day in which I've worked hard but illogically. I have two extra pieces of editing this week besides my normal jobs, and a packet due in just less than a week, and I kept finding myself compulsively translating Greek dictionary entries when that's the one job with no current time pressure. I begged off socializing tonight to stay home, nurse my throat, and finish writing a lecture, and now "the isle is full of noises," the weasels are having a party in the insulation, the rain pounding on the snow falling off the roof, and the only way I can escape full-on paranoia is either to lull myself with translating or to go work on a poem.

I think I'll go finish my last few slides for the lecture and then write. Be back Friday with a super-easy and good recipe.

"50 First Weeks:" the Sore Throat Smoothie Version

Monday again, "50 First Weeks" again: opportunity for a fresh start. Before I say anything else, my deep, sincere and humble thanks for all the comments, both on and off the blog, about my last post. I'll be responding to them individually in the next day, but just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated all of your insights, caring, and tough love.  I also want to apologize for anything in the post that smacked of worrisome or triggering or insensitive. I want to keep it real, even the crazy parts, and sometimes the wisdom and resolution don't all come at once.

So, if this is the "50 First Weeks" day, you know what my "new start" is for this week: my last post should make that clear at least: no more excuses about sending my writing out into the world! I sent off a submission today!

I have a sore throat and stuffy nose. It takes me back to the last time I taught a class--which I realized, to my shock, was five years ago! That course was accelerated Ancient Greek: a whole year of Ancient Greek in a single semester. I had an unprecedentedly large enrollment, wonderful students, and an intense long semester of 9am class every weekday. And during that semester, I completely lost my voice. Twice. Those were some fun lectures...

Maybe teaching makes me sick? It definitely adds to the ambient stress levels. So I slowed down my breakfast a little this morning, and made something rather like what I made when I'd lost my voice back then.

Sore Throat Smoothie
1 orange, peeled leaving as much of the white pith on the fruit as possible
1/2 a grapefruit
1/2 a lemon
1 cup herbal tea (or 1/2 cup herbal tea and 1/2 cup nut milk)
1 tablespoon flax seeds
1 teaspoon turmeric
cinnamon
1/2 inch ginger (or more)
2 dates or some carefully preserved and gently harvested healing honey from my beekeeping days
stevia if necessary

This is definitely a "strong" smoothie, between the ginger and the pith and seeds from the citrus. But between the herbs and the citrus, it feels like it's targeted directly at the sore throat. I made a similar one for lunch, with the addition of spinach, spirulina, maca and some coconut kefir. I think they helped--at least they didn't hurt, at a time when nothing really sounds good. More hot ginger/lemon seems like a fine idea too.

After six weeks or so of weather in the single digits and often below zero, it's warmed up to the 30's and feels positively balmy. Which also means that there's melting water freezing into rinks on frozen ground--some perilous hiking! I'll aim to share some pics next time.

Writerly Goals, Body Image, Clothing Size as Arbiter?

I mentioned in my last post that I had some body image-related issues on my mind and wanted to share. Here goes: it has to do with the whole area of goal-setting, self confidence, and my intentions for myself as a writer.

For most of my emaciated 20's, I was a small size zero, or less, and for the more functional parts of that time, I never even thought about clothing size. I was able to keep the body image demons in check through appeal to the undeniable objective fact that I was tiny. For the last four years, after my deliberate and masochistic weight gain, disordered and partial weight loss, and the beginnings of dealing with a consequent damaged thyroid, adrenals and reproductive system, I've been bigger than has been comfortable for me, and have felt relatively helpless to do anything about it, especially when I couldn't exercise at all.

Last year around May, I started being able to work out again, and have done so, strenuously and consistently. Last year too, although I was constantly dieting one way or another (it's the only way I know to eat), all the diets shared the philosophy of eating to appetite, albeit restricting something or another, with the plan that this would send thyroid function and metabolism into supercharge. Well, last November I had to have my thyroid dosage increased, so obviously that didn't work. And a month earlier, I lamented my apparent lack of succes in body composition improvements on here.

I realized that I needed to be successful in achieving my body composition goals, because otherwise I can have no confidence in my success as a writer. If I can't make the body I live in OK to me (and no, acceptance of it as it was was not an option), then how can I expect to send my work out into the world and have it received as I intend? It seemed like a gap in integrity.

A couple months ago, I set the small goal that I should be able to wear size 2 jeans by the end of February (I was wearing 4's), and have been working on it through both diet and exercise. That seemed reasonable, measurable (I don't use a scale) and not excessive in terms of being likely to trigger a relapse. It seemed to go well, and the universe was moving with me, apparently, as my appetite has been virtually nothing during this time. Now here's where it gets really interesting. We went to our favorite boutique, Value Village, when we were in Anchorage this week, and I thought it was time to grab a pair of size 2 jeans to measure my progress and have ready for a month from now. I tried on several pairs--and they all fit, comfortably, not at all tight--except for one that was too big and turned out to be a 3.

Part of me wanted to be delighted--made goal, and a month early at that. But another part of me was immediately second-guessing. I never tried to get into 2's before I started this. I always needed a belt for my 4's. I seem to have an awful lot of fat on me still for someone wearing size 2, although honestly I can definitely see a difference from three months ago. But maybe I could have worn these jeans before I even started?

Could I have been at goal without changing anything? And where should I go from here? The writerly part of me that needed this success still needs success and change body-wise. But have I gone far enough already to satisfy that, or do I need to go further?

Whatever I conclude about what I'm trying to do with my body and how far to continue, the size 2 jeans were my message to myself that I can "do it" as a writer, the impetus I needed to impel me into giving full, serious, reverent, confident attention to doing whatever it takes to be a successful, engaged, significant writer and poet. And I'm wearing those jeans right now, roomy enough for long johns underneath, so there can be no more delay or excuse.

As that t-shirt Tia sent me says, "here comes trouble"--and man, what a different season that pic was taken in!

Do you ever conflate goals like this, so that achieving one has implications for another? Curious for any feedback on this.