Time time time...what has become...

 http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=717
I talk about paradox a lot on here. And in fact, I experience and believe that STABILITY only exists as a result of INSTABILITY--

--I pick up one foot, push from the other, off balance, and set the foot down again before I fall over. And repeat. Running is thrilling (if your knees can handle it) because you're just constantly catching yourself.

But tonight I'm caught in the maze of paradoxes. If everything is so dynamic and mobile, how can we even apply a single word to a single object or person? (And of course, there was a Greek philosopher so perplexed by this very question that he gave up talking and would only wiggle his finger. Which is just avoiding the issue.)
This is somewhat provoked by my having spent the afternoon doing intake interviews getting healthcare stuff set up, and it reignited my whole puzzlement about that whole business of labeling people, how an set of symptoms can be identified in such different people, how the same medications can work for different people (how is any of it possible?) (although once you factor in different dosages and different combinations, that whole individualized chemistry lab can be pretty individualized!)
I joke often about the accidental homophony of "fasting" as in abstaining from food and "fast" as in rapid. (The "abstinence" fast comes from Old English and is related to the notion of holding firm and steadfast.) It's funny because fasting slows things down. Fasting, you notice time's passage in finer-grained detail, maybe because many physiological processes are slowed down, allowing keener, more detached focus. But in my own life right now, I'm finding that yes, I'm slowed down, but that I'm so attached to my bed in the mornings, I end up with much less day to enjoy the extra time. I am experimentation, and this is a useful finding. 
Something to consider: I've also been reestablishing a meditation practice (on which more soon), on which my Dad said that one of the reasons he values his meditation practice so highly is that there's always so much more time in the day when he meditates. So meditation by itself may be sufficient for time expansion should I choose to scale back the fasting.
"The days are getting shorter," they lament, now that we've passed the Solstice (moving into contraction), but actually we still have the same 24 hours in a day, which is just as unpredictable as ever in terms of how long it actually takes. Agreed?
I am from the future as well as present and past, so I struggle with which "now" I'm in at a given moment, which should mean I'm somewhat free of time. And yet washing all my water bottles at the end of the day, or taking a shower, sweeping the floor, putting msm, vitamin C, lysine and glutamine in a cup of water and chugging it back, putting tea leaves in a pouch and making tea on the stove...Back to the slow of fast, maybe, but all those things seem to take an  unbearable amount of time, to be extravagantly indulgent... And then I think of people who use a juicer every day, or who eat regularly... Where is all the time?
Okay--that's my plaint for the night. I'm locked out of time, and I don't know what I've done to attract that.
And this evening, my watch strap suddenly broke and my watch fell to the ground in the parking lot.

Starting to Talk Diet Again: Fruit

 http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=715

When I started this blog, it was pretty much a food blog, and pretty much a raw-vegan-oriented, gut-restoring/low sugar-oriented, permaculture/grow-your-own-food-oriented blog at that. I posted recipes more than once a week, I talked plants and herbs, I reviewed other bloggers' recipes.

That all stopped a couple years ago, and since then I've been almost afraid to talk about food because it's such a tricky topic tied in with my general health and wellbeing. It's true, I am somewhat of a freak around food, but through recent self experimentation I've come to realize that--in certain respects--my body isn't that different from anyone else's. And, since I do have a near-freakish amount of knowledge about diet and nutrition, it's time to share some of this experience.

Why else should you listen to me? My perversity and paradoxical nature, which leaves me tripping along both sides of any line in clay or sand (or macronutrient balance) and thus able to channel both sides. Consider this:

(1) When put under strong pressure to go inpatient this last winter, I drove across the country instead--and am loving my new environment!

(2) Having gotten myself out of an unprecedented and horrendous binge-purge cycle, I am now fasting (sundown to sundown) every other day (even though I know that fasting can drive eating if you're not careful)!

And that's enough for about five blog posts right there... 

Doorful of tinctures and potions--can't we just live on those?--but as you can see (bottom left) I still love carrots

...and I'll likely go on for at least five blog posts, as there is so much to talk about, so much to which many will relate, who wouldn't have expected me to be able to relate to them/you!

Today, though, I'm going to kick off with a renunciation of my ultimate redoubt of denial: fruit.
It's a funny cyclical serendipity that I was pretty much off fruit when I first started the blog, as it's the one food I've gravitated toward for much of my life and about which I've had almost magical beliefs. Renunciation doesn't always happen all at once. Fruit and its sugars have been controversial for as long as I've been studying nutrition, and as the voices grow ever more unanimous about the deleterious effects of sugar, fruit continues controversial. I've always so wanted it to be good and perfect...
I have believed:
(1) Fruit is humankind's most natural and ideal and perfect source of sustenance (cue Garden of Eden and fig leaves and happy bonobos).
(2) Fruit is easier to digest than anything else.
(3) (In my body at least): the sugar in fruit doesn't have the negative impact that other kinds of sugar have.

Myth (1) I really had to let go of this as soon as I studied any anthropology, but, more importantly, as soon as I became an arborist and tree carer. The truth:

Most fruit today is no more or less natural than any other man-made item, even as alive as it is. The peach tree whose fallen, bruised fruit were calling me and the clamoring craving colonies in my belly--none of its seeds could grow a fruit. The tree itself couldn't stand up by itself. Its fruit is so much sweeter than even drosophila can handle! It's analogous to those superbred turkeys that can't mate naturally anymore.

Note, by the way, "no more or less natural": two possibilities here: either (1) man-made = unnatural by definition or (2) anything man made is part of nature, as is man him/herself, so this peach is natural in the same way that a good quality home made bread might be.

Note, too--and this was the myth that I had to explode for myself: "natural" is not necessarily synonymous with "beneficial in your body" (am I really going to step on the "natural" rattlesnake?)

(2) Fruit seems to be easier to digest than anything else for me, and for the most part. I've gotten plenty sick from eating fruit too. How much of the ease is simply lifelong habit? And how much of the ease is because of the prevalence of simple sugar, in which case, is it feeding me or is it feeding a yeast colony? Some of the cravings I've dealt with recently suggest the latter, although I know that losing a lot of (non excess) weight last winter, moving across the country, and then doing a job that involved a lot of heavy lifting may have had something to do with that too. 

It's a great question to keep asking, literally, metaphorically, with every turn of the attention, every absorption: Who am I feeding? What part of me? Symbiote? Commensal? Parasite? (And the etymologies of those three words deserve a post of their own.)

(3) Dovetailing nicely with the "who am I feeding" question is the belief that fruit's sugar is somehow different (at least for me), that its packaging with vitamins and fiber meant it didn't impact blood sugar. I was a fruitarian for about six years, and it probably saved my life at the time, bringing me back from an almost fatal low. It's true that in practice, when I moved to Hawaii--fruit heaven--I found myself much better off with more avocados, coconuts, and greens... but fruit remained the ideal. I have fruitarian-oriented friends, and I sense a righteousness to their choice; it seems almost like a religion.

Especially with all the hard physical work, and all the fasting, I've had the opportunity to feel really hungry at times. And I started to notice that when I ate a whole bunch of fruit, I didn't feel any less hungry than when I started--sometimes more hungry.

So that's when I got a blood glucose meter and started obsessively tracking my blood sugar. And that's for the next post. I'll close with an openended question: which data are more useful: "how you feel after eating something" or "a readout on a meter (which has some margin of error)" (Obviously, the answer is "both," but how do you weight the two kinds of data?)

Speechless Solstice

http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=713

I lift up mine eyes unto the hills...

And my front door opens to big sky. 

Tohono O'odham poetry by the roadside... 

...and the birds fly up from the saguaro fruits and wait for me to pass. 

 My neighbors...

 ...see the aliens coming out?

 ...troglodytes, terracotta saguaro, detail within detail...

 My front stoop--welcome (two mints and an aloe vera).

My backyard. Rabbitville. Cottontails and jacks. Any garden will have to be several feet off the ground.

Grateful to be here.

If You Can't Beat 'em, Join 'em

And http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=711

Oh, I have so much to share here, and I'm dancing a long-form lesson in taking back the choice over my time and where it goes.

I spent five days last week with no refrigeration. I woke very early to an intense burning-rubber smell, which I finally tracked down to the defunct freezer. Fridge was okay but the smell was unbearable and I couldn't turn off one without the other. Anything like that happens anywhere near the weekend (Thursday--even Wednesday) and you're waiting until Monday. 

Daytime temperatures were around 105--great temperatures for bacteria to grow. So, a good opportunity to grow some bugs! It was also several days of hauling blocks of ice and sacks of ice cubes--small potatoes after the 50lb chicken feed sacks, but heavy lifting nonetheless.
I started with my kombucha cultures. Some got black tea, some got green tea. Good old culture that I brought with me from HI, to AK via Oregon, and now AZ! 

Then I grated up burdock, half a sweet potato, a bit of coconut, ginger, turmeric. I salted them and mashed them around with my hand--there's no water added to that mix, it's just the veggies' own juices. And yes, that's a kombucha bottle weighting it down! Friendly ferments... 

And of course, I'd just opened a brown coconut when the fridge failed. I could have tried sun-drying the pieces but then I'd have had an army of ants. Mold was threatening to form already. So I blended it all up in the Vitamix as fine as I could, together with Irish Moss gel. [Irish Moss is an alga with a gelling action due to the long-chain polysaccharides, just like agar but it gels without needing to be heated.]

And then I opened some high-quality probiotic capsules into the mix. Covered loosely, let sit for a day, and then added to the cooler full of ice cubes.
Honestly, I'm not certain that the bacteria I wanted are the ones I got. I'm a little afraid of the coconut cheese -- had a bit of it one evening and was sick as a dog, but it could have been something else (I'm also not sure that Irish Moss works in this body).

I'm enjoying the trial and error with the bugs in this new environment.
The fridge finally arrived at 11pm Monday night. Obnoxiously late, especially when I'd finished unloading the coolers, mopping the floor, etc. etc...

And of course, when something isn't an issue, you don't think about it anymore. I'm not constantly rotating food, draining coolers (and using the water to mop the floor or flush the toilet), going out for more ice)...and it just becomes a no brainer. But, especially not having had a decent refrigeration set-up at my former abode with the chicken folks, I am grateful grateful grateful every single day, whether I'm eating or not, that my food is being held from this weather, that I can choose whether or not I want to grow bugs! I wish the same for my own body.
I wish for everyone good, positive bugs--commensals rather than parasites.

Sacred Space, The Inner and the Outer, Crowdsourcing Selfcare

And at: http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=709

I put my candles on my altar-windowsill, my north-facing bedroom window (my "spiritual growth" direction in Feng Shui), and left for the afternoon.
When I came home and entered the bedroom, I laughed out loud!

 Here's a closeup of the left one. Dying swan, anyone? Or maybe a snake.

I'm loving how I run into unexpected differences, although this was, of course, entirely predictable (even facing north).

Before I moved in here, it was very clear to me that I wanted this to be a sacred space. I envisioned a quiet, beautiful, well-ordered space, tidier than some of my spaces have been, from which I could move forth into the world, and into which I could receive and welcome other people while protecting my own energy. An outer space to reflect and co-create my inner space. 
That's what I'm creating. It's also an opportunity to learn things about myself. For example, that I don't necessarily want matching crockery!

There's somewhat of a theme to what I picked out, although the top right green-bordered white ones I bought because they are identical to some I bought in Homer, AK--in that case I got a kick out of matching. But the floral one on the right is an English china Wedgwood; I was channeling my mum when I picked it out. And the small squared glass saucer is something my English grandmother would have had.

The other side of sacred inward space, though, is going out into the world. Especially having been so busy recently, I realize I haven't done so much of that. Going out into the world requires some support, especially with some of the challenges I deal with. I've been resisting the urge to crowdsource my therapy by venting on my blog or bleating on Facebook. But I can see why my doctor was so concerned that I have care set up before I arrived here. I still don't. And in the recent stressful time my eating issues have driven me almost crazy. What I'm doing right now feels better to me but I know (because I told Phil about it, sorry Phil) that my friends would not think it's a good idea. That's all I'm going to say. I think I've talked inappropriately about such issues on this blog before, and I hope the fact that I'm consciously (and conscientiously) not doing so now, while admitting that there's an issue, will reassure people that things aren't so bad.

I am on my way to getting some care stuff set up. I'm excited to be part of a community (Facebook, virtual, actual, and all) where we all listen to and take care of each other, but not as a substitute for medical care. And I'm here to listen.

Come Sleep on My Couch!

And at: http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=707

I really mean it! Just getting back into my own rhythm here, and I wish to be conscious about my choices going forward so that I may live by my own rhythms rather than constantly be in reactive mode. I'm sure many of you can relate to how challenging it can be to hold that space. How ironic, having moved across the country off my own bat I've been feeling like a piece of modeling clay lately. I'm all for flexibility, but there needs to be a core.

Back to the couch--I'm just so thrilled to be able to offer "crash space" to visiting friends with comfort, expansiveness (nice big futon folds out), clean sheets.

As I work my way back into this online space and more of a regular program I look forward to easing in with more of the home tour. So, just south of the couch (sitting room/guest bedroom) is my office!

 At the time of the photo, the office was engulfed by some last-minute corrections for my dictionary job, hence unruly scraps of paper and the giant dictionary is on the middle shelf behind the office chair. As of today, there are books on the shelf.

It's been well over 100 degrees F (over 40 Celcius) ever since I got back from my work trip to Pittsburgh. Although I haven't spent that much time outside yet, alas, I have to confess: I am LOVING the heat! I've been running a small fan at my computer, and I do generally have the a/c on in my car, but I've only been turning on the swamp cooler in my house for a little while in the evenings, and sometimes not even that. The only uncomfortable thing, aside from other people's (especially businesses) too-cold a/c, is wearing fewer clothes. I'm so used to being shrouded and bundled, and walking around with actual skin above my wrists and ankles and below my neck is awkward.

Love, light, and warmth to everyone--and welcome to my home!

I'm back! I was here all along! Integrity, or Selfishness?

And at http://ulteriorharmony.org/?p=705

So, I moved to Arizona and vanished! I stopped answering emails and letters, failed to send promised letters, disappeared from Facebook. Sometimes I didn't process a paycheck or overlooked a check in the mail because I simply didn't have time to attend to anything.
But wait--wasn't I supposed to be moving on to the next, better, more empowered, sunnier phase of my life?

Well, yes, I was. And those solar panels augured a return to low-impact, conscious living, as in my Hawaii days. As Phil pointed out--and he met me in Hawaii and happened to be in AZ right when I arrived--it also augured a return to working extremely hard for other people, as I did there, so that I'd never feel satisfied with the work, inevitably small contribution to neverending chores, and would also never have the energy to do my own creative work. That Phil, love him. He has quite the habit of being right.
I always want to be of great service when I'm of service. And there is always more to do. When I first showed up, I worked all hours on the farm. I got better at guarding "my own" time but only because my work obligations mounted and mounted.
And sometimes the chores are tedious, sometimes stinky, and then there was the "attack rooster" storyline which was probably the last anyone heard of me on Facebook.
And these feed sacks. They're 50lbs...

...if you know how small I am, you can imagine that deadlifting them from an obstacle-strewn floor and humping them out the door, maybe half a dozen on a heavy (pun intended) day, would be wearying.

Meanwhile I took on an editing client here in town who likes my work very much, and it was RWW-thesis-proofreading season, and my dictionary job stepped up the pace too. This is not an excuse but an explanation of my disappearance. 

I'm back! I had to pull myself back! All the times I've spoken of the "unmilked cow" feeling from not writing...after this six weeks or so of overwork plus physical chores I'm beyond unmilked cow maybe into worn-out leather territory! Worn-out leather that holds a stiff shape only tangentially connected to how it used to look. And it's funny how "lack of writing" is both a symptom and a result of failure of self care.

Once I'd gotten clear that things had to change--and THANK YOU, my friends whose advice I asked, all of whom unanimously counseled me to reclaim my life and move--I meditated and imagined what sort of a home I'd like to live in. A small, but spacious self-contained house. Ground outside for growing things. Set back from the road but not behind a gate. A certain price range I had in mind. And I kept an eye on Craigslist. And uncannily soon, I found it!

More pictures soon when I give you the tour, but this was the bare-bones walk through. A little house (half of a duplex) with separate bedroom/main room/bathroom/kitchen--I've never had such expansion in my whole life before! A big yard in the back, too. I know this isn't exactly a great time of year to start gardening in Tucson (it's been well over 100 degrees the last several days) but plenty of time, right? Having a whole inside-of-a-house to furnish and organize just as I please is its own kind of gardening.

I even like that it's nondescript on the outside. Sacred space. Sacred space has been my main intention.
I worked chickens through the end of the month save a four-day trip to Pittsburgh to work on a book. Returned from Pittsburgh, did some final chores, moved!

I've spent three nights here so far, not entirely unpacked, and I have such a good feeling about it.
I struggled with intense guilt about letting down the chicken farmers, being a flake, being selfish, not keeping my word. But I also know with deep knowing that I have done the right thing for myself, without even going into the terrible self-care habits I was sinking into in that situation, and this selfishness means that I have a better chance of being able to give more. To write to my friends and on my blog, for example! 

It is good to be back.