Last Post; Parting Gifts

I'm sorry, that's a macabre pun, in British, at least. "Last Post" is the tune military bands play to honor the war dead. I'm at the Anchorage library wrapping up some editing jobs by the skin of my teeth, sending all-too-rough work for our MFA residency workshops in August prematurely, perforce; and taking a moment to give this beloved corner of my world some attention. 


Rather than focus on "last", I want to focus on gifts. So many gifts of loving words, thoughts, prayers, promises to write me, expressions of appreciation for my existence. So much treasure. I'm semi-consciously storing it up for the hard work to come, acutely aware that at this moment, I can barely take it in. Since my ticket was booked (only last Friday!), my busyness level has accelerated almost beyond what it was at semester's end, and I was ready to crash back then. So naturally, caffeine is back in the equation, sleep is largely gone, food intake likewise. But this time tomorrow, all the busyness will have been set aside and I'll be focused, full-time initially, on my health situation. I'll finally be facing how serious everyone says it is. And then, the gifts will sustain me.


Some non-verbal gifts also: I'm so happy to have seen Homer's first farmers' market of the year on Saturday. It's somewhat of a craft fair too, and one of our favorite artists was there in the rain. Scott Miller creates "wooden diamonds"--pendants made from salvaged wood, oyster and mussel shells, silver and other metals, and other salvaged, donated or scavenged items. Every 'diamond' is unique. Phil wanted to get me one as a parting gift, and I chose this one (which would have been his choice too, it turns out): 

Waterfall, as if from a bluff like ours; a tree; stars. It's so beautiful, so me, so expressive of our home. 
In the photo, it's sitting on a gorgeous blank journal another friend gifted me--always a perfect gift for me, and in my color too. Here it is again, below left, together with books given, loaned, or recommended me by writer friends.

I am taking good companions on my way with me. I'll stop there--I don't have a lot more to say, as I venture into the unknown. Except, what gift can I leave? The promise of more words, more love; the insight that life itself is a gift, although its time is beyond our control.

I will miss this blog, and all of you, so much. I promise I'll update when I can.
Much love,
Ela

Paradoxical Preparations for My Absence

Paradox rocks, also known as yin-yang rocks. In fellowship with my friend Terry, who also collects them.

My final attempt to persuade my treatment team not to force me inpatient went like this: I'm doing worse, because of all the stress of talking to this, that and the other place. Can't we just accept that nowhere's going to work, and I'll be much better off working with you guys in my own home? It didn't help my argument that by this point, a center had come through. And yes, both doctors and my therapist all said "a resounding no."


One pointed out that "doing worse" when the going's tough and I'm under stress is actually an argument in favor of going away, as it presages that every time something stressful comes up, I'll "do worse" again. Another pointed out that that was actually what had happened for the past six weeks: every week I'd do a bit better, then something stressful would come up and I'd slip back. Another averred that it's too late for that anyway, physiologically speaking. I have my ticket, I'm going, so this is moot.


But now that I have my ticket and I'm going, it's much harder to work on the caloric issue! I have no contracted goal amount with my naturopath. I'm neither here nor there. I'm running rings trying to get "everything" done before I leave. I've had 'the runs' since Tuesday, likely due to anxiety, so of course I'm eating less; I'm hardly sleeping.


At this point, getting on the scale is like watching a trainwreck in freeze frames--with a hint of the child's gleeful "all fall down" delight at the demolition.


So, it's moot because I'm leaving very soon indeed, but doesn't it look like I would surely be doing better if I were staying here, working on better ways to handle stress, actually working with the situation?


I'm neither here nor there, but at least I got our taxes done! And having some sweet valedictory times with Phil, which feels very good. It occurs to me that rather than thinking in terms of being absent from here, I need to start thinking about being present, there.


I'll try to get one more post up before I head for hiatus.

Getting Ready to Launch

The Northern Alaskan Inuit have a tradition colloquially called "blanket toss." A taut blanket of hides is stretched on a frame, which people support on all sides to send one 'dancer' high into the air. Over the past two weeks since I had that blood drawn, I first felt like my doctors and therapist pulled the rug out from under me. Then I realized I was a blanket-dancer with supporters and framework on one side of the blanket only, the other side drooping groundward. My drs and therapist were trying to pick up the blanket. The other side kept dropping: this place didn't take insurance, that place was all full up, the other place couldn't deal with my food allergies. I didn't want to go anyway, so I was laying on my rug, with the end of it picked up by my care providers, spilling. 


Over the past two days, the blanket has become all taut and supported, and the whole team is ready to toss me into the air.  A treatment center in Arizona with a very good reputation was willing to work with me. I had a good feeling from the extensive phone assessment. After evaluating my assessment, they called me back and encouraged me to come in as soon as possible, and they've been in regular contact with me since, giving further such encouragement. Apparently if inpatient treatment was the director's recommendation, they treat it as urgent, and they're sufficiently accustomed to dealing with people with this condition to know we're likely to drag our feet!


So, Alaska Airlines will launch me to Phoenix, AZ, next Tuesday night!


The original point of the blanket toss was scouting--the person flung high in the air was thus able to see much further than from the ground. Looking ahead has never been my strong suit, so perhaps I'm being tossed in the air by all these supporters to enable me to learn to make decisions moment to moment, day to day, that do not jeopardize my life and health.


I'm scared.


They've already told me they'll put me on stronger meds. I won't have access to friends and family, nor to my blog or email initially. I won't have access to all my superfoods and herbs, or my beloved rebounder and Vitamix. I should focus on enjoying all those to the full for the next three days as well as scrambling to wrap up all my work projects and notify project managers that I'll be slowed down for a while.


My Naturopath gave me a wonderful metaphor for handling all these inconveniences. He said to think of the forest and the trees. Yes, he might not think the meds they'll put me on are optimal for me. Yes, I might have to eat some food that he nor I consider good for me. Those are the trees. The forest is that he believes I need to go there to stay alive. So we'll cope with those details, which are, of course, temporary, when I get back.

So, just as the trees leaf and bud here, I'm heading south! I can't even begin to count what I'll be missing--the Writers' Conference here in town, which I look forward to all year. Visits from dear friends of ours. Gardening. My beloved writing groups and the wonderful people in them. 


Meanwhile, Arizona is much more the climate my body was made for...but I'm so used to wearing multiple layers all over my body, and I don't have any clothes for warm weather (not that any of my clothes fit anyway)! 


I will miss this blog and everyone with whom I connect through it. I'll try to post once more before I leave. I will update whenever I have the chance. If I have time, I'll even schedule a couple posts (like that protein powder comparison I keep promising!) to go up while I'm gone. But please, keep in touch with me! I will be slow to respond, but I will respond. I will also be able to do snail mail.
Much love.

Good News + Pictures I Didn't Post, Nettles, Snippets

This is a hodge-podge post of scattered thoughts.


First time I hit "publish", I forgot to include a piece of good news in the past week: I had a poem accepted for publication! I hadn't submitted anything for ages, but the last submission I made was to Cirque, and they're publishing one of my poems in the Summer Solstice volume! Time to start sending submissions out again...


I'm including three photographs of nettles for the benefit of our friend David, who bravely ate the steamed nettles on a bed of caramelized onions with balsamic vinegar that I served last night, although he was mortally afraid of ending up with botox-lips. He concluded they were delicious--"Now, where can I find some of those?" 
They're everywhere, but if you don't know what you're looking for, how would you know?

I didn't take a photo of the beautiful nettles on caramelized onions, but I hope you can picture it.
I also chose not to take a photo of the mama moose bedded down with two tiny calves right by the highway these last few days. Walking home from my writers' group on Monday, I gave them a wide berth, walking in the middle of the road so as not to come too close. Moments later, mama moose awkwardly lurched upright, put her head down, and moseyed across the highway, leaving two improbably small calves, their umbilici still dangling, milling confusedly on the other side. She stayed over there several minutes. The calves, sensibly, were disinclined to step in the road.
I was so relieved when mama crossed back and rejoined them.  
It just didn't seem right to take pictures. Sorry, guys.

Speaking of pictures, I feel such gratitude for connection. At a time when I'm not very connected even to my own body, and in a limbo of decision-making, it's a good reminder. I'm not a visual person, and I didn't even catch that the photos of the two breakfasts in my previous post, light and dark respectively, were highly symbolic, until my giftedly visual friend Terry pointed it out. Thus artists collaborate, thus our own best work is more than what we make it.

Another picture I didn't post--another picture I can't post: I wish I could record and share the sound of the songbirds these days! The piercing plaintiveness of the golden-crown sparrow threads through the melodiousness of the song sparrow, punctuated by the persistent chirrup of the robin, the kazoo note of the chickadee, the throaty croak of the raven. When I'm outside picking nettles, their threading melodies make me feel the webbedness of air, the multidimensionality of sound, gold threads spangling what we think of as empty space. A beneficence.


I'm not doing great this week, and am realistic enough to recognize the unlikelihood of acceptance of my plea to my naturopath to let me stay home and figure this out myself because the whole 'searching for options' is making me worse with the stress. On a happier note, things are coalescing, and clarity is gradually congealing over my possible destination. I won't be able to update my blog initially, for as much as a month. It'll be a different me on the other side, no doubt.


Thank you to everyone who's pushed their comfort zone and talked with me about this. I feel gratitude to have given so many women the opportunity to open up to me about their own like issues. More gratitude for those offering Phil support.

Well, This is Embarrassing...How did we get here? (Fifty First Weeks)

Fifty First Weeks: this week my "fresh start" will be a move toward more transparency. Since I seem to be crashing and burning for all to see, I might as well own it and quit soft-pedaling, in hopes that my sharing from within the situation might be of help to others. This is uncharted ground, so I'm learning every step. Perhaps I'll still manage to pull a phoenix out of the ashes.

Blossoming currants. The birds always get any fruit.

I'm as thirsty as ashes

I hadn't thought anything of it until a conversation on Friday brought home to me how narrow my food choices have become in contrast (see below), but I'm drinking enough to float the Ark!

I waken parched.
First thing every morning, I drink a pint of warm lemon water with some powdered supplements in it (MSM, lysine, magnesium). Then, after working out, I make Phil's coffee, and I make myself a quart of one kind of herbal tea and a two-quart thermos of another kind. The quart jar gets topped up several times over the course of the morning. I've probably drunk a gallon by lunchtime, and continue through into the evening. I seldom have to wake up to pee at night.

Now, it's true that this has all been my pattern for many months, but I think the quart jar gets topped up more often these days, more extra tea gets brewed in the afternoons, more stevia sodas get drunk... Whenever I hike, I have problems with thirst. Never hunger.

Kudos to me, though: for the past eight days, none of this liquid has been caffeinated and I haven't taken any caffeine pills either! Small victories!

I can't eat that...but I know all about it

Over with friends on Friday, I was asked "Do you eat quinoa?"--they'd fixed it with me in mind. I thought for a moment and responded honestly, "I do eat quinoa in theory, but I only eat it at your house (or anyone else who made it with me in mind)." "It is plant in nature," said my friend--i.e. a good candidate for Ela-food, and mentioned he'd been eating more of it lately to soothe some stomach issues. Off I went, enumerating the nutritional virtues of quinoa, why it's so good for you--for him...I caught myself spouting nutritional information about different foods a couple times that evening.

Perhaps because my friend was so sweet about it, I was forcibly struck by the truth of the fact that theoretically I can eat quinoa, that I know it has nutritional benefits, but I won't eat more than a tablespoon of it at a friend's house, and will usually avoid even that. Yes, this is partly because I don't know what else got put in there, and partly because I don't like to eat heavy in the evenings, but it's mostly, as I admitted in the conversation, "too calorie dense." Same story for beans, sweet potatoes, other starches. I won't eat nuts except a little coconut or seeds except chia/hemp/flax and I can't remember when I last ate flax or hemp other than in protein powder. With the possible exception of sweet potatoes and chia/hemp/flax/coconut, these are all things I definitely feel better off without. But who am I going to be able to convince of that, when I can't eat gluten/dairy/soy/animal product to begin with?

A few months back, I was eating quinoa for breakfast--this is an old blog pic!

OK, it was less than a quarter cup of quinoa buried in turmeric-water and fruit, and OK, if I had even a teaspoon too much of that breakfast, I would spend the whole morning trying to keep it down, even after I nixed the banana, which was making me sick. So, true, I wouldn't dream of going back to quinoa for breakfast. I'm so happy not to be spending my mornings nauseous, as I did when this was breakfast, when chia pudding was breakfast (even made with one tablespoon of chia seeds), when carrot slaw with my favorite protein powder (which unfortunately makes me sick in more than minuscule quantities) was breakfast, when...you get the picture.

Nowadays, this is a more typical breakfast.

It's a few wild blackcurrants with spirulina and a whole teaspoon of molasses, with some stevia, and some psyllium to thicken the whole thing up. Maybe some fruit or dried fruit on the side. I'm using my nutritional knowledge, see, and trying to make sure I get some iron in. I don't want another iron shot after the one ten days ago--my butt hurt for almost a week! Spirulina and molasses are both great iron sources, and dark berries probably have some too. I'm pounding the nettle tea and eating nettles--sometimes the breakfast pictured above has had nettles in place of the currants.

I say this is great, I adore not being nauseous all morning. But realistically, if I go to any treatment center, they're not going to let me have that kind of breakfast! They're going to want me to have something more like the first breakfast, at least. Makes me nauseous just to contemplate. How will I manage with crappy institutional food and none of my normal superfoods--spirulina and chlorella--and supplements that keep me functioning so well?

It's a brutal paradox--I know so much about the nutritional properties of so many foods, but apparently am unable to feed myself sufficient quantities to stay out of trouble. Obviously, it's a matter of degree. Ordinarily, I do great on way less than anyone else around me. But maybe way, way, way less is too much "less"! Since the idea of going away to a treatment center is both so horrifying to me and apparently almost impossibly complicated to arrange, it troubles me that I'm apparently unable to work back up even to avoid the horror. I couldn't even explain why I can't. Hoping to find a way out. Hoping something will give before I have to deal with it that way.

Phil and I sat down this morning and brainstormed a little about how I ended up in this situation. Not surprisingly, the overwork of the past several months was a major culprit, but of course there are others. A long manic episode, the left-field caffeine addiction, some self esteem issues maybe...My mum immediately asked whether it had anything to do with the trip to Israel last November. One of my old great aunts, who hadn't seen me since I was 70 or 80lbs, greeted me delightedly with "You're fat!" Naturally, I was extremely upset... But I don't think that's the 'cause' of this situation, although I can't deny that it's crossed my mind, in Hebrew, to tell my great aunt I'm not fat anymore.

Let me know if this is too much information and you want me to return to my usual, more guarded sharing. I'll listen to any feedback I receive.
Thank you to everyone for all your friendship. My deepest thanks to those who are giving Phil support. This situation is hard on him: he's so used to being so good at helping people, and he feels helpless and frustrated.

The Difficult, and Small Bites Recipes (The Easy)

 

Today I will share the recipes for the "small bites" I featured in my previous post. They're all really easy--they're basic put these ingredients in the food processor with the S-blade and process into a dough, chill a little, cut or break into pieces, done-type recipes.

But I will also share a bit more of the difficult time I'm having lately, which I hinted at in Monday's post without really going into detail. The HAWMC experience throughout April was very beneficial for me in encouraging me to write more about the hard, personal stuff. I've backed away from that a little since then because I haven't wanted to worry people. But it's been a process and a story since, and stories are always good.

"Exploring Options"--what I really meant

That's what I said we were doing on Monday. That was a euphemism for this: my Naturopath, my therapist, another doctor I started seeing, and my bloodwork all say I need to go away to a treatment center. I don't want to go. There are none in Alaska. It feels like I've spent this whole week on the phone exploring options, having doors closed. Getting myself into a space to accept one disruptive plan, only to be told that won't work, contemplating another, with the same result. 

Our insurance won't cover "residential" treatment; only inpatient or outpatient. The program my therapist thinks is ideal has residential and outpatient only--great, so we explore outpatient and I get to keep some autonomy. My Naturopath (he who's had the most experience having me come into his office unslept/unmedicated/psychotic/crying/furious/otherwise noncompliant and crazed) thinks I shouldn't go outpatient, need to be in a more full-time, structured environment.

Add to that my gluten and dairy and soy allergies and non-meat-eating habitude, and many treatment centers won't even look at me. And what is up with that? A treatment center with a focus, among other things, on food issues, won't cater to patients with food allergies?

My Naturopath says treatment centers make it hard to get into them intentionally, so that the patient has to prove she wants to come in. Phil suggested it was just that they're inundated with people trying to get in, so they rule out whomever they can to narrow down the numbers. Since I don't want to come in, it's going to be tough for me to convince them that I do. Meanwhile, I continue not to believe that I'm in any physical danger, to push for agreement that I can stay here. And I continue not to get that.

But my Naturopath said something today that scared me. He warned me that this could start to affect my cognitive functioning and my writing. I already have some short-term memory lapses, which are not me at all, and I have to make sure to take my algae oil DHA capsules (disgusting though they taste) or my brain doesn't work. I have chest pain sometimes, and disorientating tinnitus, but both those can be chalked up to anxiety.

A friend was in the emergency room yesterday afternoon. Two other friends have had serious health scares recently. I was able to help out my friend in the ER, bring her necessities, take her home, take care of her, etc--does it sound like I'm a person in serious trouble? I don't think so. These people are having serious medical emergency issues, and folks are worried about me just because I lost a bit more weight than I intended to? I feel stupid and ashamed and self-indulgent and like I should have known better, like my damaged thyroid and other organs should have been a warning to know when to stop. 

I still can't stop.

Small Bites--The Easy! 

On a more cheerful note, I will share the recipe for the apricot kernel bites, with the strong suggestion not to use the apricot kernels but almonds instead!

Almondy Apricot Bites
Ingredients:
8 Apricot kernels (these made me sick--if you think they might make you sick, please use almonds instead!)
Scant half cup (33g) shredded coconut
Scant cup (270g) unsulphured dried apricots
1/4 cup (50g) carob powder
1/8 cup (25g) chia meal (chia seeds ground in coffee grinder or Vitamix)
1 tablespoon spirulina 
1/3 cup (60g) dry dates
1 teaspoon almond extract


Process all into a dough. I processed the apricot kernels on their own, then added the apricots, then everything else.


If you cut into 30 pieces, they're 31 calories each.
I don't know what I'm going to do with these! How ironic that the first time I make myself some treats, they make me sick! And everything else in there is so good--spirulina/chia/carob is a wonderful combination. I'm afraid to give them to anyone else in case they have the same reaction as I do. But it might be just me.


Since I love dried apricots so much, I made another apricot-based 'bite' that might be even better. This one has protein from the hemp, mojo-boost from the maca, and a couple purple surprises.

Scant cup (110g) unsulphured dried apricots
1/4 cup (30g) hemp protein and fiber powder
scant 1/2 cup (33g) shredded coconut
1 T maca
1/3 cup (60g) dry dates
small handful hibiscus flowers, ground in a Vitamix or coffee grinder
small handful dulse, snipped into pieces


Process into a dough. 
If you cut into 30 pieces, they're 24 calories each.


The slight hint of saltiness from the dulse and the tart almost citrusy flavor of the hibiscus are so special in here. You can't really see the little flecks of purple in the photo, but they make it very visually appealing too. I'm almost sorry I haven't given these a post of their own--they're quite special!


Finally, my take on Nicole's Fudgy Chocolate Chews 

I didn't tweak Nicole's recipe much, as raisins and chocolate are a wonderful thing and I wanted to start simple. Here's what I did:
1 cup raisins
2 T chia meal
1 T carob
1 T cacao nibs
1 t spirulina
1 t coconut butter


In the food processor unto dough! This one's much wetter than the other two, so I spread the whole thing out flat and froze it for a bit, but ended up rolling into balls rather than cutting into pieces.


If you make 30 pieces out of it, they're 18 calories each.


And now, I need to go--a phone call from another treatment center, and I've almost effectively skipped lunch, so should do something about that...(And why am I making and taking all these calls when I so don't want to go?)

The Best Things Come in Small Bites/Bucket List Update

Bucket List Updates

It's such a pleasure to have the flexibility to get out more! Phil and I have had a couple really good beach hikes. I'm a neophyte all over again--I want to take all the rocks home! On our last hike, Phil and I each found a "keeper" rock. It was a blue sky day, but oh, so windy--and that wind comes straight off the glacier, so I was pretty chilly.

I love that rock because it looks like a little bird! It reminds me of these whistles you could get when I was a little kid in the '80s. The 'tail' of the bird was the whistle part you blew into, and you had to fill the bird up with water, so it would go tweet-tweet-tweet-tweet-tweet!  as the water burbled.

Phil was very pleased with his rock for more pragmatic reasons--it gleamed with sparkles that were probably not micaceous but rather pyrites--or even gold!

Other bucket list successes--I got the fridge cleaned yesterday! I was too ashamed of its 'before' state to take a picture, but here's the 'after'--

I'm glad I took Phil's advice and tackled only the fridge. Today, I'm working on the freezer below it, and then can move on to the chest freezers outside. So satisfying to have it clean, and have the huge hunk of ice buildup removed! This is a Sunfrost fridge, which is very energy efficient, but which I'm still learning how to use. It's a high humidity system, which is supposedly a good thing, but means that if you wrap things up as you would in a traditional fridge, they go moldy fast! I'm experimenting with leaving more room for air circulation, as it seems alarmingly mold-prone in there in general. Hopefully less so, now that it's clean!

The Best Things Come in Small Bites--Recipe Preview 

For most people, these date treats were a single bite. For me, at least four. 

I shared recently what seems to me a reasonable serving size for nut-date-type bars:

Again, several bites for each piece! 
I remember having a debate with a dear friend of mine about this years ago--she said she loved the feeling of having her mouth stuffed full with goodness--a whole handful of blueberries, a whole marzipan-stuffed date half. I said that to me, that was missing much of the goodness of each individual portion--when I have just a tiny little piece, my whole mouth can work on appreciating the flavor, can derive every last atom of the deliciousness.


I'm sticking to my guns! The best things come in small bites. How lovely to head out for a hike and have snacks that fit in your pocket!

I seldom snack when hiking anyway--Phil and I are opposites in this way--my problem is usually one of getting too thirsty. And water's much heavier to pack...


So, I've made three different "small bites" in the past few days. 
These are carob-apricot small bites (and again, each "bite" is at least four or five bites).

These are apricot-maca small bites...

And these are a version of Nicole of Chena Raw's "Fudgy Chocolate Chews" So happy to have a fellow Alaskan rawish blogger, so happy someone else is paying attention to the omega-3 issue!

I'll share recipes in my next post, but for now, I'll leave you with a cautionary tale. This is why it's good not to post a recipe until you've eaten a creation a few times! Those carob-apricot small bites pictured first of the three feature apricot kernels and almond extract for a delicious marzipan flavor. Just eight apricot kernels, and there are thirty pieces. Well, I ate one of these bites as a mid-afternoon snack two days in a row... And each time, I got very nauseous within an hour or two! There was a clear correlation. I knew that apricot kernels contain a cyanide-like compound, amygdalin, so I did some research. Nausea was listed as a potential side-effect of eating them, but it wasn't supposed to be a common reaction. 


It's very possible that my reaction was due to my currently odd/anomalous body chemistry and that no one else would get sick. But I'm so glad I didn't post the recipe right away! I'd feel so bad if someone else made it and got sick. If there's interest, I'll share the recipe in my next post anyway--but now it'll come with a strong caveat!


Love to all...

The Bitter and the Sweet (Fifty First Weeks)

The whole "Fifty First Weeks" idea was aimed at the potential to start over, channel amnesia, discard mistakes, make fresh starts. At the moment, the "fresh start" idea is beleaguered. Every day that I act a certain way, I'm scoring an ever-deeper groove in the mire, and the soil I displace pushes up on either side of that groove, creating walls that block any deviation.


Term's over, pressure's off, but things are not easy here. There has been some sweetness too, though, so let me start with that before I get to the bitter part.

The Sweet

Mother's Day brunch yesterday, and Leslie has chicks!

Lots of chicks. And they are adorable. Not tiny now,  and their personalities are starting to come out. Chickens are so much fun...It made me nostalgic for Hawaii.


Getting right into the spirit, both Leslie and Roxy have chicken outfits--super sweet (and silly)! 

And as for a sweet taste on the tongue, here's something I brought to the brunch.

These are black abada dates and barhi dates, each stuffed with a very quick raw vegan sugar free marzipan filling! 
Medjools are the only dates in the stores up here (except for the occasional pitted deglets, which are steamed, so I don't buy them--a shame, as I love deglets). I've mentioned before that I don't care for medjools--they're the modern-day-agricultural version of dates, super big, super sweet, less minerals, more sugar. So, when I saw that Shields Date Garden was having a sale on some of my favorite varieties of heritage dates, I went overboard and ordered up fifteen pounds of each! That should last a couple years...


Barhis were everyone's favorite in the raw food community in CA when I lived there, and were very hard to get because they always sold out so fast. What a treat to have an abundance of them. Abadas--I love how they're black and shiny--anything that color must be high in minerals. Abada is the name of a branch of my family, so I feel even more connected with them.


And how did I make that marzipan stuffing, you ask? Easy--
2 tablespoons raw almond butter, softened
1 tablespoon raw coconut butter, softened
1/2 tablespoon almond extract
1 tablespoon powdered xylitol


Stir all together and stuff into pitted dates!


Given my excitement to share these wonderful less-usual varieties of date, it took the wind out of my sails a bit when pretty much everyone at the party said they preferred medjools. I wish my moral judgment against medjools as agriculturally processed/demineralized/oversized/oversugared didn't interfere with my reception of other people's taste preferences--I try not to let it do so. Mostly, I was disappointed that everyone else wasn't as excited as I was about the other varieties of date! But medjools are the prototypical, generic date for most Americans, so I shouldn't have been surprised at the reaction of "Dates? Medjools!"


Whoa there, a little bitterness creeping into the sweet section!
I guess I'll call it a transition...

The Bitter

My Facebook status update on Friday:

Ela Harrison Gordon

Friday

Teaching-done. MFA coursework-done. RWW thesis editing-done. And now three different experts and my bloodwork say time to cash in. No way! Not NOW!!

Perhaps that sounds playful, as several people "liked" my status. But things are not easy here. The huge pressure of work of the last months has lifted, but I have a mountain to climb. I went into my naturopath appointment on Friday angry at all the drama and scaremongering people were doing about my health status. 

My naturopath, whom I love and trust, and was expecting to back me up that there was no need for the drama, had my bloodwork in his hand, and told me he was sorry, but he agreed with everyone else.

I feel like the elephant in the room.

So, now what? 

Remember my turmeric root I posted about?

Here's what it looks like today.

Since I've even written a poem comparing my shriveling to that of the turmeric root, this is poignant indeed. And sadly predictable.


I'm on my third day off caffeine, though, trucking through the headache and the unmasked fatigue. That's a good thing. 
We're "exploring options," but I'm facing having to miss out on a lot of things I'd rather be here for--in order that I may be here long term, they say. I still don't think the situation is that serious. They say that's part of why it is serious. Bitter, bitter.

Moving into a New Phase/Poetry Reading/Bucket List

It's getting greener every day here, and a couple mornings ago we had not one, not two, but three moose in our yard! Unfortunately I couldn't get them all in a single shot, but it was cool to see.

Poetry Performance

Since my previous post, I performed in this event: 

--last night, I shared two poems with "bird" themes as part of this event, itself a part of the annual Shorebird Festival here in town, the subject of that newspaper article a couple weeks ago. I was sorry not to have had time to memorize my poems, but another thing I did since my last post was turn in grades, so I'm now officially done teaching for the term! I did have the poems mostly from memory, and was in eye contact with the audience, as I prefer to be, for the majority of the time. It was a wonderful event, with some great music and many beloved local poets sharing.


We saw some sandhill cranes on a back road recently. They are so...arresting.

yes, still plenty of snow higher up

Plans and Writing

Since last posting, I've also finally made my bucket list--actually written down all the things I'd been hoping to get done when the semester was over! 

Lots of room to add more details!

Writing is top of the list, followed by reading, followed by outdoor things. Of course, I never stopped either writing or reading, but I'm so happy I'll have more time to attend to those drafts that are crying out to me like babies. I think it was admirable restraint that I didn't put "cleaning" and "taxes" top of the list--those are things I really haven't gotten to that have really bugged me! Soon...


I've also had a wonderful conversation with my mentor, soon-no-longer-to-be-my-mentor, about which authors I might want to be reading for the months until the MFA residency in August. It feels great to have the promise of some structure as I continue to develop as a writer.

Food

I've been enjoying nettles every day, including in puddings like this, made with the immersion blender from unsweetened almond milk, warrior protein powder, xanthan gum to make it puddingy, and stevia.

As you can see, the immersion blender doesn't completely pulverize the greens, and I like that there's still texture to chew on. I imagine it's sort of like oatmeal, but way healthier.


Since we're talking about food, a quick revisit of my talk about increasing calories last time. I appreciate the comments and responses; I even appreciate the caring puzzlement elicited. I don't have many more answers yet. except for one thing I need to give up!


Yes, it must be so old by now, but now that the pressure's off, I really have no excuse not to give up caffeine, as I should have weeks and months ago. The first thing that has to go is the chocolate, which I notice I'd posted about giving up over six weeks ago. I've been eating the odd tiny piece of very dark chocolate every few days, and putting cacao in my smoothies regularly, because it's one of the few things that's appealing to me. However, even aside from the caffeine/theobromine synergy exacerbating the negative effects of caffeine on my systems, the cacao has started to cause the uncomfortable irritation effects that it always has on me eventually--this time around, I was hoping it wouldn't happen, but it has. Not worth the pain! So, no more cacao or chocolate. Still bargaining for my autonomy, so I'd better find something to replace its calories in my intake. 


As for the caffeine pills and caffeinated tea, to be honest, I've been relying on them just to stay awake through the day this past month. They haven't even been impacting my sleep as much as they ordinarily do. But now things have mellowed, and I don't absolutely need to stay awake all day! I'm dreading the withdrawal--just six hours of sleep is leaving me with crushing headaches--so I'd love any advice on how to get through that. I'm thinking a gentle taper would be the smartest thing to do.


Excited to get out more, excited that the only work-work I have now is editing and translating, both of which I love, excited to catch up on rest and friends!

How To Increase Calories (Part 1)

Deep breath...I'm looking for your help on this one, too. Some people say "Write about what you know." Some say, "Write to discover what you don't know." On the emotional and spiritual level, I write in order to discover. But on the knowledge/information level, it's difficult for me to write about something in which I really lack expertise, like how to increase caloric intake. Here are some preliminary thoughts, with a call for your advice, and I will follow up, no doubt.

A big medjool date can be three times as many calories as a small deglet

When it comes to dates, I prefer to save medjools for recipes and smaller, drier, less sweet dates like deglet noor, halawi, zahidi, abada, for eating straight. A small deglet date can be less than 20 calories; a big fat medjool can be close to 70! But swapping out my deglet snacks for medjools is not necessarily the answer to increasing calories. As I showed in my avocado pie rework (I hope), sometimes the things you remove to reduce the calories are things you would do well not to put back in! With the dates, medjools are more intensely sweet than other dates as well as being bigger. They have more fructose, when a higher sucrose ratio is a better thing. And I find that if I eat a lot of medjools "straight up," they can hurt my teeth, which is never a problem with the less sweet dates.


I'm not willing to increase by throwing in a bunch of empty calories. I'm even inclined to count staples of mine like nettles, spirulina, chlorella, as worth double the amount of calories they actually measure, because they're so very nutrient dense.

Here are some other examples of how not to do it, and some alternatives that might be better

I'm a sucker for goodies that are marked down, like this "22 days" bar.

I'd never buy it at the full price, but a buck and a half? Sure thing. True, they then tend to sit in my pantry uneaten for months. And look at the nutrition information (below)! Those four fifths of the bar (yes, I did eat one fifth--bad budgeting of calories) pictured above each represents more than 46 calories!

A fifth of the bar, 46 calories. Look how small the pieces are! The whole bar is not very big, and most people would eat the whole thing, I guess. The first ingredient in there is almond butter; the second is agave nectar. I never eat agave nectar, so in some ways I almost can't believe I bought it. Mark-down-induced blindness, I guess. 
Having almond butter and agave in addition to the traditional almonds and dates seems to me to be totally unnecessary fat-and-sugar-loading. Yes, those four remaining fifths of the bar, reasonable portions in my mind, have sat around in the pantry for weeks.


But when these mint-choc Jocalats were marked down to less than a dollar a few days ago, I still bought a couple. (What was I thinking? Oh yes, chocolate-mint is a siren song.)

Nutrition info is a bit better than for the 22 Days bar--a quarter of this bar (which is slightly smaller) would be close to 50 calories. This one is more of an honest-to-goodness almond-date bar without the additional almond butter/agave. But I can't imagine opening it anytime soon.

Instead, I've dug into the freezer and been eating these lovely carob-raisin balls I made almost a year ago. I make myself good stuff--why don't I eat it, then? I guess I gave up snacking. A hard habit to resume at the moment.

I have to guesstimate the calories in these, because I didn't calculate them when I made them all those months ago. (I should also reconstruct what I did and post it here.) But these are basically just raisins and carob powder, with a little shredded coconut on the outside--plenty sugary from the raisins, for sure, but much less fatty with the carob.


Another bad idea purchased because it was marked down:

Oh my goodness. 90 calories in a half cup??? And most of that is sugar. I would never have more than an eighth-cup at a time. Also, even more caffeine when I'm supposed to be getting off of it.

That said, liquid calories are one very smart way to increase calories, as they're often easier to digest and easier to consume. I've been buying unsweetened nut milk, 25-45 calories per cup depending on the variety, and having 1/3 to 1/2-cup servings in smoothies, making up the difference with water. Now, there's no way I'm going to buy the "sweetened" regular nut milks--per the principle at the beginning, why would I want to add in empty calories? On the other hand, if I had a whole cup of unsweetened nut milk rather than watering it down, that wouldn't kill me, and might be a very painless way to increase!


Or, why don't I make my own, like I used to, and then I'd have the pulp for making goodies?

The truth is, I've always had trouble with homemade nut milk, because I've never known how to calculate the nutrition value. How much of the nut nutrition is in the milk and how much is in the pulp? I can't count the pulp as zero calorie, and it's not fair to count the milk as representing all the calories and nutrition either! If anyone has the answer for that, I'd be enormously grateful. 
The other truth is, I've been too busy generally, and although I'm sure I could work nut-milk-making into my schedule, I haven't done so, and if I shop sales (as I do), the unsweetened, calorie-declared, store-bought milks are often cheaper than making my own! 


As the schedule starts to get less overloaded (I turn in final grades tonight), if I can find out how to calculate the nutrition in nut milks, I might add that back in as a way to increase calories that is also a self-nurturing use of time. There's more and more talk of making me go away for treatment; meanwhile, I'm convinced I'll turn this train around as the schedule calms down. 


Keep your fingers crossed for me, and hit me with all your advice!