Wordstalks 5: Prayer, 'Beyond Love,' Self Pity and Crying in the Wilderness

In addition to the creative stall that I've experienced this week as a result of feeling lousy, I've also been going through a bit of a pity party, I guess. I have been talking about some intense, life-purpose-determining questions on this blog - and then, inevitably, perhaps, have been assailed with 'nobody's reading this' kinds of thoughts, a feeling of crying in the wilderness. Meanwhile, I feel increasingly alienated from what's immediately around me. I'm at home with brilliant sunshine; Phil has left for a hike with our neighbors at 20 minutes' notice. I had plans for this afternoon already (including writing a blog post and many other things too) but the 20 minutes' notice leading to a bolted-down lunch (which I can't do, nor do I have the energy for that long hike either) really throws me for a loop - and I'm right out of their loop.

(Whilst I was writing that at home, there was a big earthquake: the whole cabin shook! Now, out and about on my errands, I learned that it was a 3.99-level quake!)

I was looking at my 'pity party' emotions and realizing that my questions to the universe that have so far gone unanswered (blog posts unread, etc) were my prayers and calls for help and attention. My immediate thought was that my prayer should be to give to others, not that others should give to me. I love St Francis' prayer, in which he asks to be a channel of God's peace, to be understanding, loving, consoling rather than seeking to be on the receiving end of these. And truthfully and sincerely, that is my deepest prayer too. I have been through so much, and continue to do so, that my only reasonable prayer can be that it should be of help to others in some ways.

Prayer

That got me to thinking about the word 'prayer,' and how precise and yet imprecise it is. The English word 'prayer' comes from the Latin adjective precarius via Old French. That adjective means something like 'obtained by entreaty.' In other words, 'getting something as a result of asking for it.' It is fascinating how language replicates metaphors at different stages of its history: an echo of the modern idiom 'they don't have a prayer' can be seen in the adjective 'precarious,' derived from the same Latin adjective, which means 'insecure,' 'subject to chance,' 'risky.'

For my current feeling of emptiness and desire to be filled, that very parallelism ought to underscore the uncertainty of getting what one asks for! A prayer, in other words, is precarious by its very nature. And what of the paradox of praying, with St Francis, to 'get' to be allowed to give? Praying to obtain the gift of giving - that sounds complex enough to be my kind of mentation… 

'Beyond Love'

Along these lines, it seems appropriate to give a brief book report. I just read Dominique LaPierre's 'Beyond Love,' a very skillfully written piece of creative nonfiction that tells the story of the discovery of AIDS, the recognition of its gravity, the horrendous suffering of the early victims, the heartbreakingly rapid spread, the efforts of the scientists to get the problem recognized and get something done about it, the regrettable human traits that tarnished scientific inquiry at many stages of the process. 

There are several storylines and key characters who are followed in brief, alternating chapters - an addictive combination. I've been rather parsimonious with my recreational reading time of late because I've had such a stack of other sedentary duties, but I read this book while I was cooking, it went with me to the outhouse, while I was stretching… - in short, it's the first book that I've read 'addictively' in some time.

I suspect that LaPierre himself is a man who prays, although very little of his own persona is allowed to emerge from the fruits of his investigations. But perhaps it is because of this that I was repeatedly struck by the crucial role of prayer throughout, not just at the victims' bedsides, not just in the 'mother Teresa' sections, but in the research laboratories. If you wanted to believe in some sort of divine orchestration, or guidance, the last-minute recollections, dream-like discoveries, serendipitous availabilities, chains of connection between people described in this story could all help you to believe that.

Prayer Again

And that in itself is  soothing to me in my current anguish. It reminds me that it is human to ask for things, to obtain by entreaty. There is a creative vibration that sets up when we ask for something. We speak it into existence, and thereafter it is present and waiting to materialize - except when it does so instantly. 

My experience in recent years has been that people really do get what they ask for, my own self included: but it is important to be very clear and careful about what you are asking for! I have often asked for one thing whilst all of my vibration was really asking for another, muddying the waters and negating my request. Or sometimes I've gotten what I asked for 'to the letter,' only to recognize that that wasn't really what I meant. 

Prayer Plant

One final and tangential thought about prayer - and here I wish that our camera hadn't broken, because a photograph would be ideal - is the Prayer Plant - maranta leuconeura. Here's a picture I found online. It's native to Brazil, so 'native to indoors up here' ('house plant' is such a funny concept). I was given one for my birthday and it has been making these cute little lilac-colored flowers, but mostly it's a foliage plant, with variegated leaves, bright-and-pale on the top and purple on the underside, with prominent veins. It's called Prayer Plant 'because' the leaves lay open in the daytime and curl up and stand up straight at night. (I wonder what the poor guy will do when we have daylight all night here in a couple months from now??!) The 'because' in that standard explanation really leaves me with more questions. Are the furled, erect leaves supposed to bring to mind hands held together in prayer in the evening? And if so, what does the daytime habit of open leaves imply about what our hands do in the daytime?